What is up with this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
What is up with this?
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 11:51am

Okay, in the past four months or so, I've had two experiences with guys who want me to up and abandon my life in order to follow them on their completely (at this point) fictional enterprises. Seriously...is this just a case of everyone's perspective being narrowed by their own self-interest or do I really need to start dating more mature guys?!

Guy number 1 was a good friend, I was really excited to start dating him, and things got serious pretty quickly because we had known each other as friends already for several years...however, we didn't know what dating each other would be like. After a couple of months, he got really anxious about the fact that he thought he would want to move back to the east coast eventually because of his family, and wanted to know if I would move with him.

Um, okay, yeah, after three months of dating I couldn't tell him whether I would or not, just like he couldn't tell me whether he would actually move or not. I told him that was a risk we both had to take (and that there any number of unseen/unknown risks that are present when you start dating someone, we just knew about this one ahead of time). He didn't like that, and wanted to get less "serious", which apparently to him meant calling me every night and complaining about what was going on his life but blowing me off when we had made plans. So I broke up with him. He didn't like that either.

Guy number 2 is someone I dated last year, who left to "find himself" (spiritually and otherwise) last fall - I wrote about him on this board I think - and when he came back (much sooner than was originally anticipated), I was in fact dating guy number 1, so guy 2 and I remained friends and continued to see each other sporadically. After guy 1 and I imploded, guy 2 and I started spending more time together...until last weekend he brought up "us" and told me that he wanted me as his partner on his life's journeys, which apparently involves him not having a job, or a place to live at the moment, and following whatever callings he happens to have in whatever country calls him.

I told him that while I was willing to meet him halfway in exploring the spiritual world, he needed to meet me in the real world and at least have some sort of plan or goal that would make it worthwhile for me to give up the life and career I have built here.

I just don't know what to think....they are both actually really really good people, with good hearts, intelligent, fun to be around, and I really care(d) about both of them....and yet they seemed to have no idea that they were asking me to give up basically my entire life in order to be with them, and offering no kind of life in return. Just like, hey come with me wherever I happen to go, even though I don't know when or where that is. I realize I am the common denominator here. Am I being over-dramatic? Or maybe not communicating well? Not adventurous enough? Or do I just need to get with some different guys who have their crap together?

In the past I've given up way too much of myself for men, and so something deep within me rebelled when these guys (in my mind) dared to ask me to give up my entire life for them, and while the answer feels right to me, I am afraid I'm giving up something real and good (with guy 2 - guy 1 is basically out of the picture but we are still friends).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 3:35pm

If I chucked my current life it would be to follow my own dreams, not the dreams of some guy who has offered me nothing but tagging along in second place in return. I don't see any pattern here necessarily but just that you haven't found your match yet in my opinion.



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 9:34pm

I think you are a smart woman and I think you should stick to your original plan with sticking with your STRONG gut feeling that these guys are asking too much.

Guy #2...no job (you have a career that you would be willing to give up for him?)...when you ask the question...what is he offering?

NO....you learned a lesson from life...NOT to give up your entire life for any more men....like another poster said...you haven't found the right guy yet...and you have to keep strong with what you are feeling...and your original plan.... keep yourself open to find the "real" MR. RIGHT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 10:16am
My opinion is that you should seek out men who are more compatible with your goals and values. These guys were honest with you about what they wanted in a woman and you turned out not to be that kind of woman. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just incompatibility. It was a good thing for you and for them that you discovered it before you had sacrificed a lot and before they sacrificed a lot. That's what dating is for and it appears to have served its purpose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 10:33am
Times have changed. I would advise your goals and career first. It is unwise in today's world to let go and just go with anyone. The first thing you have a career. That is your focus. Worrying about some guy is not worth it.

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