What are all these feelings?

Avatar for sossa1989
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2012
What are all these feelings?
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 8:44am

Hello lovely people,

So here's the deal. I have been very close friends with this guy for 8-months now, although i know him since like 6 years ago, and i have developed some feelings for him. (oh btw we talk on the internet and skype since we are in diffrent countries, however we do meet up every few months)

After talking with him for 5 months i realized i loved him, which shocked me since he isnt really my type and not the kind of personality that i would want to be with, but i loved him never the less, and thought that he might love me back since he is always flirting with me and telling me very nice things and love related words, as well as talking sexually with me and telling me how attracted to me he is, and we simply click and understand each other and we can talk and have fun for hours. When i confessed my love for him he said that he doesnt know if he loves me 100%. I also get the sense that he doesnt want a commitment but if it is a matter of love or finance or personal or simply time i dont know.

Anyway i sort of took a break from him for like 3 weeks until i felt fine and ready to move on, and then we became best friends again, however he continued the same behaviour and i started getting confused. When i ask him why he acts this way he says that i am his very best and only friend and that he cant live without me and that i am his everything, so he doesnt think its wrong to talk to me this way and tell me how he feels (although he doesnt love me romanticly or want a relationship with me). I told him to stop acting this way if he we are to stay best friends and he agreed for my sake.

I need help figuring out how i feel about him. I love being and talking to him, and when i thought he might be in love with me, even after i moved on, i was soo very happy, and when i realized he didnt i was sooo disappointed but not that sad. I am so happy when he talks sweetly to me and feel soo in love with him, however when he talks to me normaly again i feel normal towards him. I think about him and feel attracted to him and find myself thinking of ways to make him love me, but i dont really see him as the father of my child for example.

Is this just me wanting to be in a relationship, or just lust, or pride since he is the first guy to not love me back or love or friendship i have no idea !!

Can someone make things more clear to me ? and most importantly HOW do i stay his bestfriend without hoping that he might love me someday? cuz i really just wanna be his friend.

so srry for the long post and a million thanks :*


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 9:22am
Real love takes a long time to build after the reality of being with the person in real life through good times and especially the bad and ugly times without having computer cables in between for almost all interactions. Words mean nothing, it's experiencing the person's actions over time in how they treat you and how they deal with things.
This guy is an internet buddy that you developed a fantasy for, usually that means there is an emptiness in your life that you have filled with these interactions. And he is playing you. I'm sure he knows the next time he sees you, it's easy sex. He has it all set up and he keeps throwing his line out to reel you in. It's working well.
Plus he also has his exit already worked out, I give him credit for the advanced planning...
....here is how it goes - the next time you see him, you think it was the big moment until probably after you leave, he'll already have his built-in excuse of why it wasn't more - he'll remind you that he already told you that you are just friends. Then it's repeat pattern depending on how long you want to keep hoping for more, until you get tired of it.
How to be just friends if you really mean that? Cut the contact to once or week or more and start dating people near you who you can go out with regularly. How to really make sure you are just friends? Tell him about the dates you go on.
Avatar for sossa1989
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2012
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 12:35pm

Thank you for making this clear. I like the plan you talked about and ill make sure to work on it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 06-07-2013 - 10:21pm

Every moment spent on someone who's just not that into you is time that could be spent searching for someone who will end up being crazy about you. You're going round and round on a merry go round that's getting you nowhere. You have chemistry with him, and wanted more, but it's not going to happen. He wants to play with you like a cat batting around a toy. He knows how you feel. He doesn't care that you're clinging to the thin thread that he's dangling in front of you. He doesn't care that your feelings will be hurt if you have sex with him and that's all it is--sex, not lovemaking. He has told you he can't love you 100 percent, because that way he can't feel guilty when he says, "But I told you I don't want to be in a relationship. Remember?"

When people are young and single, they often have opposite sex best friends. As you get older, however, this goes by the wayside. Is your Dad's best friend a woman and they call each other daily and hang out at the mall? No. Your Mom is his best friend. (Assuming they are together). Do you think your future boyfriend would be comfortable with you speaking daily to a man who you once had a crush on and spoke sexually too? No. Your new boyfriend wants to be your best friend, and he wants you all to himself.

Since your "friendship" isn't bound to last, that is if you want a succesful relationship with a new guy, then it's time to let this friendship go away. It's time for you to move on. If it's a bf you want, start expanding your activities and places you go so you can meet decent guys. Join a co-ed sports team. Take cooking classes. Look at meetups.com and see what activities are going on in your area. You're the master of your life. What your "friend" wants isn't important. He'll survive without you. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you. Tell him for your own good, you can't communicate with him anymore. You need to do what's best for yourself. If he doesn't comply, don't answer or change your contact info. When you have a healthy self esteem, you will attract men of the same caliber. If you're lacing in self esteem, you attract men who will want to take advantage of you or control you. Work on your self esteem if this is the case. Good luck and stay strong. You'll thank yourself when you meet a man who makes you his priority. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 3:24pm

Great points. It also might help knowing that you have feelings for him and want to bond with him, he knows that and yet he tends to keep you an arm's length away. He knows that your emotions are tied to your feelings toward him and because you two live in different countries he can bait you into feeling "loved or cared for". He probably does this by feeding you those lines he tells you and getting together at random times that are based on his own schedule. That allows him to be in the driver's seat of your heart, emotions and feelings and he takes advantage of that.

I have heard it said that men tend to miss what they can't have. Even though the majority of men are unemotional, it will drive him nuts when you aren't always available to chat online, on the phone or get together. After a while he will really start to miss you and realize that he also has real feelings for you too. If he doesn't then it is his loss. Right now he knows that you have strong feelings for him and he is baiting you to meet his needs by having your emotions dependent on what he does or says to you. Don't let him play with your heart.