what can I do from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
what can I do from here?
4
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 1:30pm

So here is the situation:

Boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and 1/3 months lol. Very specific I know. We have been having a fantastic time and literally I have never felt this great with anyone else. Mainly because I feel like he is caring, sympathetic, genuine and has good intentions with me. I met his parents, siblings, he showed me this house he is planning to buy. His parents have invited me over, they told his family about me. I guess I've been trully enjoying this feeling. I've never felt more wanted.

So, here is the problem... we started having sex about a month ago. We have not been using protection except for one time (I know stupid of me!!!). So, I was helping him make his bed, I decided to go through the corner to make sure to tuck in the sheets well. As I pushed the bed a little, I found a used condom on the floor. I confronted him immediately. That same day, as I was looking for my shirt, I found another used condom on the other side of the bed. 

Mind you, I have slept over a few times and although I've never searched his room or stuff, I find it odd that he hasn't stumbled upon these condoms. The times that I've been to his place, his room is always a bit messy although the rest of his place is neat. The first time I slept over it was unexpected, I ended up coming over, so he excused the mess. Since then, I guess he hasnt felt a need to clean it much.

After confronting him, he states that since meeting me he has not been with anyone else; that he has not cheated and although this is extremely embarrasing to him and disrepectful it is to me, he promised he has not had sex with anyone else. Prior to me he was sexing with some girl whom he was not serious with. According to him, he does not make it a habit to introduce his family to girls and I've been one of 2 girls who has been introduced. His family is trully the sweetest. And his relationship with his mom is one that I truly admire. He has not given me a reason to mistrust him. Other than the condoms (huge red flag) there has been absolutely no red flags. He welcomes me to his place at any time or day without specifically planning for it. He even expects me to surprise him and show up whenever I want. - I haven't done that, but I find him to be very open with me. A man that had someone on the side would act a bit suspicious. 

So although I am choosing to believe him. It seems like he cannot bottle this idea. According to him, if the shoes were on the other foot he doesnt know if he could believe me. And if  one of his girl friends were to be telling him this, he would advice them to step out of the relationship without hesitation. So this is my dilemma.

I told him he is questioning my trust in him and therefore questioning my perseption of my self worth. I've been in cheating relationships, I know the instictive feelings; I know the unease... I've been in those shoes before. But my instict- as crazy as it sounds, tells me that he is not lying. Yet, his empathy is making me question whether I am being too soft or being a doormat. 

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 3:39pm

First off, I'm going to scold you for not using protection. There's simply no excuse to not practice safe sex, especially if there is an issue of multiple partners, not to mention unwanted pregnancy. 'Nuff said on that.

So, when you did use protection one time, could one of those condoms on the floor be the one you used? If that accounts for one, then the other one is unaccounted for and has apparently been on the floor for 10 weeks? I suppose there are men who don't bother cleaning for weeks at a time, so I suppose it's possible.

If he's done nothing else to make you wonder about his fidelity, then I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. But I'd pay attention. If there are some other unexplained things like this that turn up, that could indicate a problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 3:57pm
Thank you, I've been scolding myself about not using protection. I guess moving forward, I'll suggest him and I get tested and not have sex until we get to know each other a little more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Thu, 03-13-2014 - 12:37am

If you've only been with him for 2 1/2 months and exclusive for less than that, it's not inconceivable the condoms are from before committing to you. It's pretty disgusting to leave them there for weeks, but not impossible. If his fidelity doesn't turn out to be an issue for you, his hygeine might be!!! BTW, I'm a man and I'd never, ever leave used condoms around--irregardless of who I used them with.

I'd use condoms yourself with him now if I were you. You don't need to get pregnant or get an STD now. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 4:43pm

Don't mean to be, well, asking you for TMI, but did you handle the condoms?  Did they seem 'recent'?  Was there dust on them?  I know you were shocked and angry, so maybe that didn't occur to you, and that's ok.  

If he is really a slob, making no moral judgement about that, then maybe he is telling the truth.