What could my ex be thinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2013
What could my ex be thinking?
Sun, 05-26-2013 - 9:51am

I had been seeing a guy for about 2-3 months.  Everything was going great, we both loved each other.  He treated me like I was the most special person in his life and I loved it because my past boyfriends weren't so affectionate so early on.  I guess that should have been a warning sign?  I was very appreciative of all the attention and thoughtful things he did for me and would let him know.  He said he liked doing it because he's a giver.  Within the first few weeks of dating he told me he loved me, said he wants to be exclusive with me, he brought up the future and children.  We met each other's family.  He declared his love for me and said he wanted a future with me and a family a few weeks later on my birthday.  I was so swept off my feet and in love with him.  But the days following he started telling me I need to express myself more.  He says I'm not assertive, that I need to call out his BS.  When I was dealing with looking for a job and my finances he started getting frustrated with me that I was stressed so much about looking for work.  He told me that in the future I should be looking for a job when I have one.   And I think he was waiting for me to ask him for financial help like rent money or bills, but I wasn't comfortable with that.  He didn't like that and told me that I need to put aside my pride and that it's ok to ask for help.

A female friend of mine gave me flowers for my birthday and when I showed up at his place with them his immediate response was why did I have flowers.  He knew I was out with my friend for lunch so I didn't understand his reaction.  I told him my friend gave me the flowers and he said again, "why, what are they for".  So I remind him that I had lunch with my friend and SHE gave me flowers for my birthday.  And I notice that his body relaxes after that.  I thought it was odd but I didn't make a big deal about it.  

During this time I was also cooking for him, which he liked, and I helped design his apartment.  During installation we had some disagreements on how to do something and we got angry at each other.  Then he gives me a hug and tells me that having conflict is good because we get to make up afterwards.  But when this was over he asks me what's next.  He presses me to express myself and I start thinking there's something wrong with me.  I started thinking that I'm not worthy of him and I felt guilty.  It didn't seem to matter that I showed him affection whenever we were together.  I would tell him that I loved him, that he was the sweetest man I've ever met, that I felt safe with him, that I liked being with him, that I couldn't wait to start a future with him.  Or that I was supportive that he has a busy work travel schedule.  He liked it when I showed I was upset that he was going away but when I would respond that it's awful that he'll be away but I understand it's his job, he would then ask if I will miss him.  And yes, I would tell him that I would miss him because I did.  But I also knew he would be coming back.  I told him when he was back we would get to be together again and it would be wonderful.  He thanked me for being understanding and told me he owed me.    

Then after returning from a month away on business he decided to end our relationship.  His reason is that I'm emotionally closed off.  I didn't understand because I thought things were fine and we both loved each other.  He told me that I'm not comfortable in my own skin.  That even though I tell him that I love him, he says I don't express it.  He was upset that he opened his heart to me and he took my less dramatic signs of love as apprehension.  I wanted to work things out with him so we can both understand each other better but he said he wasn't sure.  In an effort to reassure him I wrote him a love letter telling him how I've always felt about him, how I've shown my love for him, and that we can work through this (remembering his comment about conflict).  What he didn't know was that I was planning on giving him a special night like he had given me.  I didn't know that waiting a few weeks after my birthday when I got a job and a paycheck would be too long for him.  

His response to me is that my letter didn't elevate him (his words), that we're not the same in heart and mind, that we live a different life, and not wanting to go into details with me, he tells me that I need to find myself and that it will serve me well.  It was like he was telling me I had my chance and I blew it. 

I showed his letter to some friends and they told me he wrote a condescending letter to me, telling me that he's better and wiser than me.  I didn't understand how he could declare his love for me, tell him he saw a future with me, that he wanted children with me , and then just take it all away.  It seems like if he really did love me and wanted to be with me, he would have been more patient, understanding and willing to put in the effort to make our relationship work.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 05-26-2013 - 11:59am

I think you are very lucky that this guy broke up with you because he sounds very controlling.  First of all, if a guy is telling you after a few WEEKS of knowing you that he's in love with you & maybe wants to have children with you some day--that is crazy.  No one can be in love after knowing someone that short a time--it's the initial infatuation.  And I also think that people who don't understand that it's only infatuation then are disappointed when it wears off and they realize the other person isn't perfect.  A normal person would realize that it's just the initial excitement of meeting someone, not love and try to calm themselves down a little bit.

I also think it's good that you didn't ask him for financial help.  You should be a self sufficient woman---it's different if you had a long standing relationship but I would also feel uncomfortable asking someone for money who I'd only been dating a few months.  I think if you had asked him for money, that would also have given him more control over you.  He's very free at telling you what you are doing/did wrong, isn't he?  He also showed early on that he is jealous--another bad characteristic.  Now your friends know you and we on the boards don't, so if they feel that his letter is negative, they are probably right.  Forget about this guy.