I need some help on a problem I have - seems to happen a lot to me :(
I think you're a good friend for hanging in there with him and trying to figure out the most respectful way to continue what must be a pretty uncomfortable relationship (at least at the moment).
slizzie, he's obviously crossed
He's embarrassed about what he said. He probably thinks of you as a great friend and might find you attractive, but that's all. He is trying to re establish the boundary and doesn't know how. So he's being standoffish.
Even though you say that you are only interested in him
platonically, it seems that you are willing to indulge his "fantasy"
that your relationship is something more. Why is that? Why haven't you
told him that you aren't interested? Why didn't you set him straight
when he said that he had to "keep up appearances"? (If there is nothing
going on between you, there is nothing to hide, but by not responding
to his statement, you allowed him to believe that there is.)
Why, if it makes you so uncomfortable when he tells you that he loves
you do you not tell him that you don't want to hear it...that it's not
appropriate? Why in the world would you go out for drinks with him?
You say that you don't want it to be weird, but you are here because it IS already weird!
here's the part that is a bit confusing--when he did "back off",
instead of appreciating that he realized that he may have overstepped a
boundary, you say that he is "acting totally crazy". Why is it "crazy"
for him to avoid a situation that could lead to problems between him
and his fiance? And why would you put him on the spot after his fiance's call about whether he was going to be "weird again"? That, combined with the fact that you paid the bill (suggesting that perhaps it was YOU that invited HIM for drinks), seems to indicate that you are encouraging him.
To be perfectly frank, it sounds as though
even though you may not want to be in a relationship with him that you
are enjoying the attention he gives you, the knowledge that he has
feelings for you, and the excitement of the clandestine nature of the
relationship. If not, you would simply tell him the truth...your
feelings for him are completely platonic and that although you would
like to remain friends, if he continues to infer that there is
something going on between you that he needs to hide, that will not be
possible. Regardless of his response, at the very least, you need to
stop going out (especially for drinks since alcohol can lead to loss of
self-control) with him after work hours, particularly when his fiance
is out of town--AND, if it were me, I would avoid lunches as well
as any other "outside of work" activity unless it is as part of a group.
I agree with kkayt2009. If you hadn't said "I'm not interested in him" I would definitely have assumed you were. If you weren't, why are you agonizing over how "weird" this is? You really are indulging his feelings too much and you're catering your actions to him. There is something about this situation that excites or interests you enough to allow it to continue this way, without putting a definitive end to it, and without being straightforward. If you are sure of your feelings, then it's not possible to be this confused.