What to do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2011
What to do??
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 11:08am

I need some help on a problem I have - seems to happen a lot to me :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 1:18pm

I think you're a good friend for hanging in there with him and trying to figure out the most respectful way to continue what must be a pretty uncomfortable relationship (at least at the moment).


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 4:26pm

slizzie, he's obviously crossed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Sat, 04-02-2011 - 3:06pm

He's embarrassed about what he said. He probably thinks of you as a great friend and might find you attractive, but that's all. He is trying to re establish the boundary and doesn't know how. So he's being standoffish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2011
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 2:31pm
We had went out one more time since then and had a great time and nothing happened. So I thought things were good again. That was about 4 weeks ago - I was wrong hadn't gone to lunch or anything since then until Friday. Last week I had went on vacation for 2 days - he waited till no one was around the day after I got back to tell me he was glad I was back bc he missed me. I said and u waited till everyone was gone y to tell me this and he said he has to keep up appearances.
So back to Friday - he decided that we could go to lunch - had a few drinks - back to work. Then he and I went out after work for a few drinks. About 2 hours later his fiancé texts him about what they are doing tonight - he totally forgot that it was a year anniversary from when they got engaged and they were going out. I asked gim uf he was going to be wierd again and he says hes got to keep it professional So I paid the tab and brought him back to his truck - he was a bit drunk - he gets out my car and as he's closing the door he says love you. I don't understand y he keeps telling me that. I know he probably doesn't and I don't have those feelings for him. We just have a good time together - nothing physical has ever happened or even tried to happen. Is there anything I should do or not do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2006
Tue, 04-19-2011 - 9:10am

Even though you say that you are only interested in him platonically, it seems that you are willing to indulge his "fantasy" that your relationship is something more. Why is that? Why haven't you told him that you aren't interested? Why didn't you set him straight when he said that he had to "keep up appearances"? (If there is nothing going on between you, there is nothing to hide, but by not responding to his statement, you allowed him to believe that there is.) Why, if it makes you so uncomfortable when he tells you that he loves you do you not tell him that you don't want to hear it...that it's not appropriate? Why in the world would you go out for drinks with him?

You say that you don't want it to be weird, but you are here because it IS already weird!

Now here's the part that is a bit confusing--when he did "back off", instead of appreciating that he realized that he may have overstepped a boundary, you say that he is "acting totally crazy". Why is it "crazy" for him to avoid a situation that could lead to problems between him and his fiance? And why would you put him on the spot after his fiance's call about whether he was going to be "weird again"? That, combined with the fact that you paid the bill (suggesting that perhaps it was YOU that invited HIM for drinks), seems to indicate that you are encouraging him.

To be perfectly frank, it sounds as though even though you may not want to be in a relationship with him that you are enjoying the attention he gives you, the knowledge that he has feelings for you, and the excitement of the clandestine nature of the relationship. If not, you would simply tell him the truth...your feelings for him are completely platonic and that although you would like to remain friends, if he continues to infer that there is something going on between you that he needs to hide, that will not be possible. Regardless of his response, at the very least, you need to stop going out (especially for drinks since alcohol can lead to loss of self-control) with him after work hours, particularly when his fiance is out of town--AND, if it were me, I would avoid lunches as well as any other "outside of work" activity unless it is as part of a group.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 04-19-2011 - 10:06am

I agree with kkayt2009. If you hadn't said "I'm not interested in him" I would definitely have assumed you were. If you weren't, why are you agonizing over how "weird" this is? You really are indulging his feelings too much and you're catering your actions to him. There is something about this situation that excites or interests you enough to allow it to continue this way, without putting a definitive end to it, and without being straightforward. If you are sure of your feelings, then it's not possible to be this confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Fri, 04-22-2011 - 3:27pm
Even if "nothing physical" has happened, that's not the only way people can cheat, in fact, it's emotional cheating, like what he's doing with you, that eventually is a bigger destroyer of relationships and marriages than even physical cheating, and it's so much more insidious because it starts out as "friends" and usually in the workplace.

So, you're not physically cheating with him, but you are most definitely emotionally cheating with him. You're actively contributing to him taking time and attention away from his fiancee.

Just remember, karma is powerful and will come back around to repay you.

The best thing to do is to AVOID being alone with him and keep your interaction to Strictly professional, no outside meetups, lunches, drinks, etc. This is not just his issue, as you are being active in this. Would you want your boyfriend or fiancee to be telling some other woman that he loves her and spend all kinds of personal time together one-on-one, especially without your knowledge? Think.

Best of luck,

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