What do you do when he's scared of sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
What do you do when he's scared of sex
14
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 9:12pm
I never dreamed in 1 million years that I would meet an amazing man, with 2 flaws. First he's a vergin, which isn't so bad, BUT secondly, he doesn't want sex! We've been together for 9 months and have done everything, except for the last bit. I've talked to him on average about once a month (when I crave it sooooooo bad)! Yet he cringes, and says he's not ready. We're both 21, how ready does he need to be? I really love him, but I'd really like to experience sex with him. Any advice how I can get him to be more comfortable about the topic? ANYTHING will help. I kind of think I've found the rare breed of male who does not want sex.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:00am

Well, instead of saying you want sex, why not try talking to him, not necessarily about having sex, but why he hasn't had it, if he is waiting until he is married, if he is scared of getting a disease, if he just doesn't have all the facts, if he's afraid he won't be any good. Try to get him to talk about WHY he isn't ready, instead of badgering him asking him if he IS ready or WHEN he will be ready.


But - you don't have to be so obvious about it either. Ask him other questions, about his parents, family, friends, and just try to get him to open up to you.


Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:46am
welcome to the board.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:08pm
I've tried hard to get him to talk, but it seems like he's choosing not to tell me, that's the most frustrating and hurtful part. I wish we could work through it, but he doesn't want to tell me what's wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:19pm
Well, like I said, try to get him to open up and talk about other stuff besides sex. If he DOES have any anxieties about sex, constantly talking about it won't always help.

Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:20pm
well, IMO, if he won't talk, you have a problem.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 2:19pm

I have to agree with everyone here, you need to open the lines of communication.

The average 21 year old male is likely going to want sex and want it often.

Have you brought up his childhood? Is there a chance someone abused him sexually? If so, that could explain this completely. That or religion upbringing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 2:48pm
There are people who are asexual, simply have no desire for sex. It's a small part of the population but they exist. But I don't believe they "cringe" at the idea of sex they just don't have feelings about it either way.
Based on his reaction I'd say there is something deeper that just wishing to wait until marriage. Some people wait but theres a lot of hot kissing, fondling and touching going on.
Would he consider counseling? I too wonder about past abuse. Sometimes the way a person deals with post traumatic stress is avoidance. No one else has asked this but could he be gay? It's not sex with YOU that makes him cringe but maybe sex with your gender? I have gay friends that TRIED to be straight for a while. They tend to cringe when remembering those relationships and regret the pain they caused their partners.
If he won't communicate it's a relationship you need to look at really hard because you can't have a relationship that's decent without communication


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 3:34pm

These are all good thoughts and things I've tried. He's not religous, gay, nor was he abused (as far as he's told me because I have asked him these things). I have thought about the asexual aspect and that may be it. In past conversations he's mentioned that he really just doesn't think about sex because to him it's not important. I really can't think for him, but I've decided to try and wait until he brings it up to talk about it again. We have such a great relationship that I really don't want to end it over hormones.

Thank you everyone for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 7:48pm
I would say you've found the holy grail of the male race. Wait it out, this is the type of guy that most likely you can trust & he'll respect you if you respect him, hopefully in the meantime you're going other things (oral sex, hand jobs etc), if not, maybe he's not human, and you should move on. Unless you guys are deeply religous, and thats out of my area of expertise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 10:11pm
I really have a great guy. I was just thrown off by the length of time he's waiting, but trust me, we do lots of other things. Sometimes it can be hard to wait though, but that'll make it sweeter when it happens.

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