what does this mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
what does this mean?
30
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 6:07pm
Okay - here goes - I have been dating a guy off and on for about three months. We have hit a few rough spots but have gotten through them pretty well considering the intensity. We are both a bit dramatic. I was excited because he had initiated the idea that we spend the weekend together, but take a few hours off each day to do some work. On the first night we got drunk and told each other the "L" word. We never mentioned it or brought it up again.

On Saturday he called and said he had to go over a business plan with a friend (this is actually true) but then several hours later canceled our whole day but made plans with me for dinner that night. Several hours after that he called tried to cancel our evening plans, due to him feeling ill (we had quite a bit to drink the night before). I ended up hanging out at his place, when I tried to leave to go home and give him his space - he asked me stay.

We just fell asleep and that was it, I left early the next morning because I needed to get home. We kissed by and I said I'd see him later. He never called. I called him late Sunday and said that him flaking both days really hurt my feelings, and to please let know if he was feeling better and to let me know what was going on. He never returned my message.

The next morning I got this email:

"Got your message last night. Thanks for checking on me, sweetie pie. I'm feeling a little better. Hey, I am swamped with work and really have to focus this week. I think all of it has been weighing on me and the source of my blahs this weekend. I just want you to know in advance. Please don't be upset because we don't talk every day or I'm not as responsive as you'd like. I'll give you a ring when I have a chance. xo, P.S. You can look at the attached when you miss me. (with an attached picture)."

I understand that men need space sometimes especially when a lot is going on (he is trying to start a new comapany), but I personally have used my work schedule as a blow off. If you really like someone you can always give them a call. I do know however men approach things differently. Is this a blow off? What do I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 6:44pm
Title: "If you really like someone you can always give them a call. "

This is not true. There have been PLENTY of times where if I had stopped to make a phone it would have had a negative impact on what I was doing, thus I wouldn't / didn't, given that it wasn't a life threatening situation.

Me, I like to presume that my SigOs aren't so needy that they need to hear my voice everyday.

"...but I personally have used my work schedule as a blow off."

I guess this is another example of how only those of suspcious character suspect others without reason. Cheaters think that everyone is a cheat, liars think that everyone is lying.

""Got your message last night. Thanks for checking on me, sweetie pie. I'm feeling a little better. Hey, I am swamped with work and really have to focus this week. I think all of it has been weighing on me and the source of my blahs this weekend. I just want you to know in advance. Please don't be upset because we don't talk every day or I'm not as responsive as you'd like. I'll give you a ring when I have a chance. xo, P.S. You can look at the attached when you miss me. (with an attached picture)." "

This is really a nice gesture, showing that he was thinking of you, and wanted to make sure your fears were addressed. A real positive sign. The fact that you are already looking for some thing wrong here is NOT a good sign. He seems to know you fairly well (hence the email). I wonder if "I have been dating a guy off and on for about three months. We have hit a few rough spots..." can be traced back to his feeling like he had to address your issues and insecurities.

My advice...don't screw up a good thing. The guy has stuff on his mind...give him the time and space he needs to work on it.

You know that is one of the differences between dating in high school and as grown ups. In High School, you don't have much else in your life to think about other than your B/G/F. But we grown ups have lives...and we tend to assume that our SigOs have lives as well. If you aren't careful here, you'll be written off as "high maintence" and tossed onto the "mistake" pile...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 7:42pm
Thank you for the well thought out response.

I am insecure and needy and have been trying to be better about it.

Thats why I am looking for advice.

I am trying to trust for the first time, and trying to be brave about it. I think there is something great about this guy, but I am terrified of the risk of just letting things happen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 8:25pm
I was so happy to read you reply here. As I have heard that said before "If your important to them they will call or they can find 2 min to pick up the phone". I have been wondering (am I understanding and supportive or naive and gulible??) how much phone contact is normal for adults (who have other things going -- I ride/show a horse, my guy keeps his 4 yr daughter many times visits with his family and then he has lots of friends he really is a great guy and everyone likes to hang out with him!).

But his last girlfriend hated his friends (who I enjoy and find really interesting and yet respectful of him and me) and complained he didn't spend enough time with her (but she had no life). So I am trying to not do that to him (In fact I listened to him for 1 year about her as he kept trying to make her happy). They now are talking and being friends (I did freak a bit when I found out they had seen each other, but he has told me that they could never be together again (to different & still fight too much) but they were together 3 years and there was some good times as well as the bad and they can be friends. (okay time for big leap of faith here but I'll buy it -- he is friends with his ex-wife they talk alot but he has no interest in her again but boy his ex-girlfriend was jealous of his ex-wife and kept accusing him of messing around with her. So I really have to watch my P & Q 's there as that would be the quickest way to end this. And HE has never gave me reason not to trust HIM)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 9:15am
"As I have heard that said before "If your important to them they will call or they can find 2 min to pick up the phone"."

To me, this sounds like something a woman would say to another woman to justify being upset with a guy.

What you will more commonly hear on this board is "It's just rude to not return a phone call. Even if it's not that day, at least the next day". However, initiating a phone call is a different matter. Some people are just *not* phone people (FC and GoGo are examples of people who don't like to talk on the phone). On top of that, many people are busy with their own lives. I think a quick phone call to say "I'm running late", or something easy like is a reasonable expectation. But calling out of the blue to talk about nothing? Nope. That is not a reasonable expectation from everyone.


"I have been wondering (am I understanding and supportive or naive and gulible??) how much phone contact is normal for adults"

That varies by the adult. My phone gets dusty from lack of use. I call my parents once every 6-8 weeks. Then I use the phone for "right now" things. I need to call someone for directions, or ask a favor, or find out some information. I never call to "just chat". Though I used to do that fairly frequently when I had a best friend. I'm married now, so I don't need to use the phone to talk to my SO, though she does call me at work and vice/versa if we need to discuss something "right now".

When I was dating, it varied by the woman (or women) I was seeing. Some I talked to on the phone. Most I preferred talking to in person.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 2:38pm
In my own experience, every time the guy stopped calling as much and started being distant, it was because he wanted to end things and just didn't know how because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. So he just ended up avoiding me and not responding to me, leaving me wondering and feeling like a fool, which of course still ended up hurting me. I'm not saying that all guys are like this or that all situations take the same path. I wouldn't be too hasty to give up on your guy just yet since his message sounded very nice. Be cautious. But not paranoid.

But I think it's not very nice for someone to say , "Back off or you'll end up being labeled and high-maintenance and get written off." I get so tired of men saying stuff like that. WOMEN are NOT high-maintenance. RELATIONSHIPS are high-maintenance. And yes, if you are too busy to give your girlfriend a call just to let her know you love her and are thinking of her, to me that signifies a problem. I'm not saying that we don't all have lives as adults. Of course we do. But not bothering to call your SO or spouse now and then just to say hi or chat...I think that means your priorities are out of line. Being in a successful relationships mean doing and saying little things to let the person know how much they mean to you. Does anyone recall how Chandler told Monica on Friends that even though she was high-maintenance, it was his pleasure to maintain her?? Are there any REAL guys like that out there?

Guys are so confusing. Or maybe guys and girls only SEE each other as confusing because we're so different that it sometimes seems impossible to understand each other. It just seems like all guys care about is sex and that they just want what they can't have. They do everything they can to woo and win you, and then when they have you, they suddenly become distant. Then once they realize just what they lost, suddenly it's boohoo, I can't live without you. Yes, I may be a little bit jaded. The last boyfriend I had was a long-distance relationship...you think regular relationships are high-maintenance, LDRs are 100 times so. We were together for a very long time, and we swore we would get married and we even picked out names for our future children together. He was so loving and caring. Then eventually he became increasingly distant. When I would call HIM, he sounded like everything was fine and still told me how much he loved me. But he wouldn't call me on his own anymore. Finally he told me he just wasn't a "phone person" and though he loved me, he didn't want to be in a LDR anymore. Cry me a river! Either you love someone ENOUGH, or you don't love them at all. That was the last I heard from him. Why are guys so wishy-washy? Why can't they just decide what they really want and go for it? Sure, it may be scary to them, but it is SO hurtful when they just run away and leave us high and dry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 3:08pm
Thank you very much for your reply here. It is great to see that in writing.

I have had girl friends tell me some things that I just disagreed with in my gut.(of course to listen to some of them all men are rude insensitive pigs) But having some male friends I also have found that many women are intolerant, not understanding, and blow a small mistake into a big crisis.

it is great to be able to discuss this stuff here as the male friend who used to give me the best practical advice and male viewpoint is now the one I am involved with. We still communicate well (which makes it really cool)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 3:09pm
My two cents. Although it was a sweet email, and yes, he is putting your fears to rest, my biggest problem with that whole thing is that you BOTH decided to spend the weekend together, and take a few hours to do work. If I recall correctly, for him, it was WORK the whole weekend and take a few hours off for you.

I'm sorry, but if a guy told me we'd spend the weekend together, well, I'd assume we'd spend it together. He said he was sorry he couldn't ease your mind by talking to you more, well, if um, he actually spent the time he SAID he would, that would be understandable, but he didn't even call you on Sunday. Last time I checked, Sunday was part of the weekend.

I dunno. Granted, you said you were clingy and needy and what-not. That's fine and dandy, glad to hear you're working on that, but I'm sorry, when a person says they wanna spend the weekend with you, and you two plan it out, well, if I got blown off, I'd be pissed off. And in my mind rightfully so. If the weekend was planned, you have a right to be mad about him not at least calling you on sunday. And instead of a phone call, you get a cold email. How nice. (NOT!)

And my two cents on phone calls. Yup, everyone differs. If you're a phone person, or like the little thigns in life, you'd call a person jsut to say hello. If you're not a phone person or don't think the "little thigns" matter, then you'll never make that kind of phone call. I'm grateful that the guy I'm seeing is both a phone person and he always calls me just to say hi. In fact, he calls me so much, I call him once a week MAYBE, and he calls me a few times a day or more. We don't talk long, but we just chit chat say hello, how's it going, and then good-bye.

BTW, I'm getting over being clingy, expecting a guy to call, expecting pretty much anything from him (no, not really), and well, I've made some huge steps. It's not easy to just do your own thing at times and allow him to do his, BUT I guess I just lucked out with a guy who CONTACTS me more than I ever have to contact him. To me, from what you said about your guy, he's flaky, inconsiderate, and well, nothing I would want. Plans are plans. I can understand canceling, or postponing, but to full on ditch and ignore you on Sunday, what a total @ss. Been there, done that, got used, and then realized it and walked out. OF course, that's when he pursued me so damned hard. And it was really nice to be the better person and to tell him to leave me alone please because i was treated badly, and i have more dignity than he realized.

Good luck.

-T

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 3:41pm
See, that is my problem with the whole thing.

Yes, I really appreciate the email, I am actually very touched, BUT he did totally blow me off Sunday and almost all of Saturday, and I had to fight a bit to get him to see me Sat. night.

He blew me off, didn't even call and then alll I got was the email - no matter how nice, but still it says to me, I blew our weekend off, couldn't call you AND I am not going to make an effort this week.

Sooooo. I am so mad - I had to make my piece. I called him.

He was pleasant for a bit then

I said:

"I just need to say this. Although I appreciate your email, it made me feel better, I do feel you owe me an apology for the weekend, I stayed in town to hang out with you and you blew me off with out even a phone call"

His response: "I do not owe you an apology because we did not have concrete plans I came home and was depressed to I just crashed all Sunday. I refuse to feel bad about feeling bad"

I said: "I understand about needing space and time to be alone. If you ask for it, I'll give it to you. But, you need to give me the courtesy of a phone call to let me know. I dont want to fight, but you need to know how I feel"

He said: "I appreciate your thoughts. I am going now, I need to focus on work"

*click*

Soooo... did I do something wrong? What do I do? Should I walk away? Give him time? why does this have to be so hard?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 4:01pm
My two cents, blow him off and walk away before he hurts you by blowing YOU off. Also, I think that what he said was disrespectful. If you two made plans to see each other everyday, even if that day had no plans, he COULD HAVE called. That Sunday, that required a call...only because you two agreed to hang out...doing whatevers.

YOu are apologizing too much for your actions....and taking the blame. If he needs his time on a NORMAL basis, then yes, I would tell you "he does not need to call you to tell you he needs space", BUT because you two agreed on the weekend, he should've called and just said, I'm not feeling well, and just need some space.

He OBVIOUSLY needs to focus on work, and most definatley not you, so leave him and move on and find someone who WANTS to spend time with you, who isn't going to put you second to work (in the sense of work ALWAYS coming first no matter what). I understand everyone needs their space and work on that....but, this is not you being needy, this is him being disrespectful and rude. If it was a normal weekend (no planning whatsoever), then yes, i would say you're overreacting, but I'm believing you when you say that you planned to spend it together. When my BF says that, we DO stuff...I don't care if it's a movie at home, or going to the mall, I KNOW that we'll be together. And if soemthing comes up, either I go with him OR he calls and explains what happened. Things do come up, that's life, but not calling, that's rude.

Like I said, my two cents, walk away. Work on your own issues and let him have his.

-T

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 4:02pm
You didn't do anything wrong, and in his mind, he didn't either. So now you know that the two of you are not on the same page when it comes to courtesy and consideration. Now what you need to do is decide if you can live with the way he is, because he's not going to change. If not, then you need to walk away, because this will bug you over and over again unless you accept that this is how he is.

Sheri

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