What D'you think: do men fall in love?
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| Sat, 08-12-2006 - 3:04am |
Hi Everyone,
I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this: do men ever actually fall in love? I've had several wonderful, life-changing loves in my life (I'm 43). But in every case, I've always realized sooner or later that I was the only one feeling all this great stuff -- the guy was just killing time. They all *say* they love me -- one even went so far as to marry me, after which he informed me that he wasn't about to share his life with me just because we'd been through some ceremony. (I was supposed to speak to him only by appointment, between 8 pm and 2 am.) Another one told me I was the greatest blessing that had ever come along for him, that he'd always wanted a lover who was also a true friend -- then vanished without a word. As we got closer, all of them found me less and less interesting as a person. I found them more and more interesting.
My point is, I'm ready to give up. That makes me really sad. But I'm just not willing to settle for what men seem willing to give. I want to be in a real partnership with someone who doesn't think women are interchangeable. Several female friends have told me that this just isn't possible -- men fall in love in books & movies, but not in real life.
What do you all think? Is there any hope at all? Have you ever known a man to fall in love?
Thanks & Peace.
-Freya

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Well, I am totally and completely head-over-heels in love with my wife. She is everything to me, and I hate to be apart from her even the amount of time we are when we go to work!
And, I have been in love in the past as well. Am I the exception? Well, I would say I am not in the majority, but as far as you are concerned, I would keep looking and not give up hope. I didn't find my love until later in life, around 35, and it was mostly because while I was "looking", I didn't REALLY know WHAT I was looking for. It is important to know the qualities you want in a partner, as well as things you would like them to like, things you would want to do with them, etc. I have always felt that you really need to look inside yourself and actually sit and write down the qualities you want in a person, make them sound like positive qualities, and memorize the list until it is ingrained in your nature. When you put out vibes to people that you are sure you like, those vibes are much more efffective than a vibe that says something more like you think he's nice looking and would like to get to know him better.
Yikes! I am sorry your experiences with this have been so negative. :-(
Yes, I know quite a number of men who have fallen in love, and remain in love. Lucky for me, my husband is one of them. He both tells me so, and his actions back up his words. It's been 9 years, and I have a fair amount of faith in him. I know a number of other men who are in love with their wives too. And I know plenty of men who have truly loved ex-girlfriends and ex-wives, though things didn't work out with the relationships.
Of course, this is just my experience and that of the people I know personally. We're a pretty small statistical sample. ;-)
As for advice, if it were me I'd hold out for the real thing. It's out there, I swear. But with your experience, I'd understand why you might feel it's not worth it. I hope you'll be able to keep up hope, and find a good man who will love you.
--fc
I want to say Hi. I have been lurking reading these posts, which I must say have helped me understand DH much more in the past month that I have been reading these than in the whole 7 yrs we have been together...LOL.
BUt Joel, I have to ask you a question, and that is why I am delurking. How long have you been married? See your comment here about can't stand to be apart from DW even for the time you are at work. OMG I feel the same way about DH and every one says I am crazy and I just haven't been married long enough for it to set in. SO just curiousty here but how long have you been married?
Angela
Studies show men fall in love both deeper and faster than women do, on average. In the event of a divorce, the suicide rate stays the same for women and doubles for men.
The problem isn't that men don't fall in love, I think it's more likely the problem that you are choosing the *wrong* men.
Yes, there's hope - lots of it. But for whatever reason, you're just not seeing love like this occur all around you (it does), or you're not letting yourself be attracted to the kinds of men who have the capacity for this kind of love.
It might help to look at the common factors here: you've had several relationships which all failed due to the same issue, yet you're still the same person. Instead of assuming the problem is with men in general (who are all just as different from each other as women are), why not examine the common factor (you) in these failed relationships?
Perhaps you're only attracted to men who can't, or won't, give you the kind of love you're really seeking. A few sessions with a counselor might uncover some deep-seated issues you may not be aware of (a common issue might be an absent or distant father while you were growing up, but could be something else), and give you the tools you need to change the situation. The first tool is awareness of where that ill-fated attraction is coming from.
I also have to wonder about your friends, who advised you that kind of love exists only in movies and books. Are these people for real? To me, the fact that they are friends that you trust, is just another symptom of the same issue you're dealing with concerning men. You not only mistrust that men CAN love, but you also surround yourself with people who hold the same mistaken belief.
Open your eyes, Freya. Men who are truly and deeply in love are all around you. Learn how to recognize those signs - it may not be what you think they are.
From my own experience, yes, men do fall in love. I'm 46, and have had relationships with at least three men who loved me deeply - one lost me to his battle with drugs, another proved to me that love can be VERY one-sided (I crushed his heart when I finally admitted I couldn't make myself fall in love with *him*), and I'm happily married to the third and love is going strong. There have been a few other men in the mix, between times, who didn't fall in love with me, either - and some who thought they did, but didn't.
So the question you should ask, IMHO, is NOT whether men have the capacity for love, but rather why you're attracted to those who don't.
Msfit
&nbs
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Hear, hear. Based on my own experience, I concur. Hubby #1 became suicidal after our divorce 13 years ago. He dove deeply into drugs, and has now just emerged from rehab and starting a new life. He barely survived. Hubby #2 suffered a severe break-up with a fiancee before he met me, and briefly flirted with suicide also. My nephews' mother recently divorced her husband (the boys' step-father), and his funeral is today. He committed suicide.
Yet we hear abundantly from women who are heart-broken after a break-up, who voice their emotions loudly, hurt deeply, and cry for understanding... and men in our society *appear* on the surface to deal with lost love better.... do they really? I don't think so.
Msfit
&nbs
I think men fall in love but their definition of love is different from most women. Most women I know, once "in love" will do anything to stay in the relationship & save it from ending. Most men I know, even if they are in love, are much quicker to leave if trouble starts popping up in the relationship or things get rough. (The one exception to this if the relationship is actually a marriage, for some reason it seems men will stay in a miserable marriage). Maybe men are just more practical, I don't know. Or like another poster said, its been proven men fall in love faster, so maybe they know it will be easier for them to find their NEXT love (since it happens much faster for them) so they don't worry as much about ending their CURRENT relationship.
I also think men to fall quickly into infatuation and think they are "crazy about" or "in love" with a girl based on what they see when they first meet her. But then once they REALLY get to know her and realize the picture they were projecting doesn't match the real person they realize their feelings were never real in the first place. I can't even count how many times I've seen this happen. Women on the other hand, I tend to really get to know the person before they consider themselves "in love" with them.
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I would argue this higher suicide rate in many cases is not because the man is so heartbroken over the loss of his love, but rather the loss of his life as he knows it. Many men, especially older men, rely on their wives to clothe, feed them and generally run the household. When men are thrust into that position after years of having someone take care of them its often very hard for them to adjust. I know many men of my father's generation who can't even pack their own suitcase for a vacation and would honestly have a hard time figuring out how to heat up a can of spaghetti-o's.
They've also done studies that show men are much less likely to survive and/or thrive without a companion. For instance, men who are widowed at an elderdly age often very quickly follow their wives in death. I also think that's why most men generally never live alone--they have a very hard time spending time by themselves. They go right from college roommate, to another roommate to wife. That's also why men also often remarry after a divorce at a much quicker rate.
In our society, many men never learn (or are never taught) to deal with their emotions--so when they do face an emotionally trying time, they have no idea how to cope and often either commit suicide or turn to some type of addiction. For instance, that's why so many men commit suicide after losing their jobs--its just too difficult for them to cope. (Another perfect example is the mass of suicides after the stock market crash of 1929). With a divorce, its not love for a particular woman, that causes a higher suicide rate in men after divorce, instead its simply just another example of the fact that many men are not equipped and/or willing to deal with the difficulties of living on their own or an emotionally trying time. Don't get me wrong, I know not all men are like this, but many are, especially in the older generations. Until society's expectations for men change and they are taught to be responsible for their emotional lives, and that its actually OK to openly express emotions, many men will continue to display these patterns.
We have 3 children so we started right away as well. I feel that with each passing year I miss him more when he is away and love him more each passing day as well. Most people tell me after 10 yrs of marriage that will all change, i will be glad to see him walk out that door to go somewhere else and just leave me alone but I can't see that happening. I love spending time with him. Glad to know I am not the only person or we the only couple that feel this way. LOL I mean why be married to someone if you can't wait to see them leave so you can be alone? Makes no sense to me.
BTW I think you give some great advice!!
Angela
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