What happened? Out of the blue! HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
What happened? Out of the blue! HELP
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 7:57pm
(Sorry this is so long!)

T and I have been together for about 1 1/2 years. We lived together for the past year, until this January when we moved him down to Texas (from Pennsylvania) for grad school. We made definite plans for me to finish my last semester at college and then move in with him. All of my belongings are already there. My grandparents live in the same town, and he hangs out with them pretty often. Despite being long-distance, everything has been going very well. I went to visit him for a week at the beginning of March, and everything was great then. He was so happy to see me, spend time with me. Everything was completely normal between us. We even started (casually) talking about perhaps buying a house in the near future, if we decide to stay in Texas for a few years. About 2 weeks after I came back from my visit to Texas (which was about 2 weeks ago), he suddenly became very distant. He talked less about "us" and more about him. He didn't say he missed me anymore. He didn't want to Skype very much anymore, and when we did, he didn't have much to say most of the time. Occasionally, he seemed like he was in a better mood and was more like his 'normal' self, but for the most part, he was his new, distant, not-in-a-good-mood self.

Over the past 2 weeks or so, it gradually got worse until a few days ago, I finally asked him what's going on. (I know he hasn't found someone else... he would NEVER do that, and we agreed a long time ago that if one of us ever thought about being with someone else, we would break up before starting a new relationship). He just says "I don't know". He's NOT one to talk about 'feelings' and stuff like that... when pressed, he just clams up and becomes uncommunicative.

I finally asked him if he was thinking that he doesn't want me to move in with him, and he said he's not sure. I was shocked and devastated of course, and I asked him how that could be, since we had made plans for me moving in there (and all of my belongings are there!). He said he didn't expect anything to change. Well, what's changed? He says he's not sure. Says that he doesn't think that his feelings for ME have changed, but that his feelings about our relationship have changed...he thinks. ???

This is SOOOOO not like him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2010
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 10:53pm

I guess he's the only one who knows for sure what's going on with him, but it seems unusual for someone to talk like that for a day and then that's the end of it. Not to be a

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 04-04-2010 - 3:42am

I suspect the whole experience away from home is opening his eyes and broadening his mind with experiences and opportunities and new ways of looking at things that has led to him thinking like this. He's growing. Part of that growing means that he will question what he has now, who he is, and what he wants. And that will be about everything including his plans with you.

There is basically nothing you can do except maintain the normal routine of calling him and contacting him. Doing anything out the ordinary or even going to extreme measures if he does want to call it off will have little value or positive benefit. This is what life is about - working through different stages of your life and deciding what you want and how you feel. People and their relationships go through this all the time - and things like this are why people break up sometimes. Other couples survive it and get through things like this.

You don't want to lose him - but you only want him if he can be committed to you too. Good luck. I hope it works out.