What "Lets get it on" Signals Work Best?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
What "Lets get it on" Signals Work Best?
10
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:19pm
How do I show that I'm interested? I've been wondering lately if a friend of mine was interested in me. At times we would fool around, others we would be a little awkward and stand offish. I thought that I was giving go-ahead signals, and waiting for them in return, but my roomates say that I might be SO subtle, taht they're not getting through. So what signal would be obvious, short of actually jumping on the guy, but still allow the guy to back away without embarassing me.... This might be a tough one. :) Any thoughts would be appreciated.... (I'm looking specifically for "get it on" signals, not "do you like me?" signals.)

Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:27pm
Catch 22. You can't let him know you want sex, without letting him know you want sex. So if he *doesn't* want sex with you, and you give a clear signal, there is risk of embarassment. However, if you keep being too subtle, he may never catch on. He could have already caught on, and be intentionally ignoring you. You never can tell.

If you want it, then you have to take the risk and make it clear. Choose a time when you get him alone. Get close, and make a pass at him. If he scoots away, then drop it and forget it ever happened.

I've been the one doing the scooting on occasion, and I've also had it work out OK. Rozi (my wife) made the first real move on me. Sure I asked her out and all... But she's the one that controlled the timing of the first kiss. It was pretty straightforward. She called me over to her when I was about to leave and said "I want to kiss you". You can't get much clearer than that... :-)

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:36pm
Thanks Brokk,

The problem that I'm having is that we have already been physical with each other, on a few occasions, and yet those same exact situations come up (where he comes to my place, late at night, to watch a movie... ) but it ends with him leaving as soon as the movie is over and going home. I can't tell if he was just wanting to watch the movie, or if he was waiting for me to make a pass at him... Anyway, i was all psyched up for a visit last night but at the end of the movie he just looks at me and says " well, i guess i should go home and get some sleep" after sitting for a small slightly awkward silence... haha. I keep thinking that just by looking him in the eye, that he understands that i want him to stay.. but obviously that's not working. Do i sound a little new at this? :) that's cause i am. He's the only guy i have made out with, and the times that we do, it's moved pretty fast, and then there's a full stop... I just don't get it... Is it possible that he IS just coming over for a movie and wanting nothing more? (he asks if i want to watch a movie, not me asking him) Or is he waiting for me to be more obvious, cause he knows that I am new at this, and I guess maybe he doens't want to think that I think he's taking advantage of me or something. Arghhh. :) Very frustrating...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:57pm
A statement would do it. It's "let's start having a physically exclusive but not emotionally invested fling". He'll get your clothes off you posthaste.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 4:14pm
Well I wish you had just said that to begin with.

Him saying "Well, I should probably get going", can easily be countered with, "What's your hurry?" or even more forward "your welcome to stay here if you like, I certainly wouldn't mind the company".

No, simply staring at him in awkward silence is not giving a clear signal. It could just as easily mean "Well, get your butt going so I can get some sleep".

Have you tried cuddling up near him during the movie?

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 4:47pm
"what's your hurry" would have been good. darn, why don't i think of these things... all i could think of at the time was "ah! he wants to go home?? to sleep?? does he really, or does he want me to ask him to stay?" and htose thoughts kept going till he got to the door, we hugged and he left. next time, next time.

Yeah normally we sit next to each other on the couch... This time he didn't sit in the same spot as normal... so we couldn't be physically connected like before.. which made me think "why isn't he sitting next to me, is that a sign??"... Yeah, I think way too much. But i should have made more of an attempt. I'm so new to this... :) It makes me feel like i'm trying to seduce him or something, planning ahead and all, which I guess I am doing. haha!

Ah well, we're meeting up tonight at a club, engineering event. I'm trying to build up the nerve to ask him to come over after. I won't mention movies at all, just incase he gets confused. ;)

thanks a lot Brokk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 4:58pm
Hon, what the guy is "waiting on" is not a "go ahead" signal. It's "a go ahead this is a freebie" statement from you.

What he so obviously doesn't want...is you thinking that he's emotionally invested in a "relationship with you". He's quite willing to snuggle, cuddle and get it on...but not while you're thinking it means more than FWB (aka - bone buddy, a repeated one-nighter, etc. etc. etc.)

When you're over here talking about movies, and "doing things together" - that is saying to him "I want more than just sex". He needs to be told outright - if we get it on tonight and tomorrow you meet the woman of your dreams - I'll be thrilled for you and go find another bone buddy.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 10:16pm
Very interesting point.

Thing I don't get, is that I've NEVER invited him over. He ALWAYS asks me if I want to watch a movie or something, basically invites himself over, and i say sure. And sometimes we fool around, and sometimes there's an awkward silence before he suggests that he goes home. man. As much as I'd be interested in a relationship with him, I realize and respect that he doesn't want one with me, not in that way anyway. I'm dating other people, not that i've told him (i'm not physical with these other guys... yet. I know that, for safety sake, if things proceed further on either front, I will have to own up to the other guys in my life). He;s the one that goes on about not being ready for a relationship, and yet doesn't like me to dance with other guys when i'm at clubs, whether he's there or not (not that he tells me i can't or anything, i wouldn't take that from him). I know that might just be an ego thing, but really! I've told him that i was relationship phobic, which i am, and am trying to work on, though not with him. And i've also flat out told him that i like our situation.

He is very confusing though. Inviting himself over at 11 at night, when i've been drinking (i was supposed to head out with other friends to a club, he was talking with me online while i was getting ready, and he suggested that if I don't end up going out, he wanted to come over to watch a movie... of course plans did fall through, my friends were already at the club, and heading home when i reached them, so i told him watching a movie would be good... I guess he just feels comfortable enough with me that he wants to watch movies with me several times a week at ungodly hours!!! :) ) But to ME i took that as as sign that he wanted to make out a little. I like our mutually enjoyable bed sessions. I've never spazzed out on him the way i've seen friends of mine do in simialr situations... So it confuses me when he comes over at that time of the night, and then just leaves... But you're right, maybe he wants me to reiterate that it's a no strings attached kind of thing. I can see him being concerned about hurting me, he's an honest to goodness nice guy. just, recently broken up. i don;t think he has this kind of casual relationship often, if ever. well, neither do I. But eh. maybe he's lost interest. maybe we;re back to just friends. :) Which is cool, cause he's a good friend, and i'm glad he feels comfortable calling on me to come over so late at night. So maybe i should go out tonight and concentrate on someone else, if i want to take care of my own desires i mean, rather than wait for him to take up the offer. he'll be there tonight, so i'd feel sorta bad doing that... even though he doesn't have any claim on me, outside of friendship.... but considering his previous views on me getting attention from other guys... bleh. i'm not ready for this kind of drama. I just wanted to make sure he knew that i "wanted" him, for the night.... but now y'all have gotten me to thinking, that maybe he's just passed this stage. very likely. interesting things to think about. thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 11:06pm
I have no experience with FWB and little experience - at least, for many years - with "hooking up" but it seems odd to me that if you really are willing for this to be just physical that you are analyzing it and writing about it so much - be careful - you say you'd be fine without a relationship - your conduct - here - says otherwise. I fooled around with a few different male friends where there was no question but that there would be no relationship - no sex - just kissing and a little more - that was 8 years ago and what I remember spending the most time thinking about in advance (that is when I had a feeling something might happen) was what to wear and day dreaming/fantasiziing about what might happen. In each case, it was very natural - we were alone at his place or at mine and it just happened - not always 100% smoothly but nothing that required analysis of signals, how to set it up, etc. - your detailing of your thought process tells me that you are far from casual about this - so please be careful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 10:55am
You're probably right. :)

ah well. I'm going to end it. I did use to just fantasize about what i was going to try with him next, but when he started coming over and then taking off immediately, he was starting to frustrate all my plans. But obviously i'm not ready for this kind of thing, since i do talk about it so much. Just i don't understand men. at all. haha!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 9:39am
It's about understanding yourself and your boundaries, not about understanding men.