what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2010
what should I do?
14
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 5:53pm

I have been with my bf for almost 2 yrs, and we are both now in college studying for master degree. I am from Asia. We are both 28 yrs old.

The 3-month summer holiday is coming soon, and I invited my bf to visit my country, and told him I gonna take care of all expenses for traveling, since his financial situation is not that good. He accepted my invitation happily, and said he also likes spending time with me together. Yet he added: oh, when meeting your friends or relatives in china, just tell them I am your bf not husband, and we are bf and gf. Then I said: I told you already that it is just a relaxing traveling, has nothing to do with marriage. (Usually when meeting gf or bf's parents and relatives easily makes ppl think about marriage. )

But at that moment, I felt so bad. ys, I did talk about the future and marriage with him b4, and obviously he is not ready for that, and I want to have a family with him. Yet the traveling this time, I Really just wanna relax and enjoy time with him together, cz we never travled anywhere with him together b4. And during the traveling, we can deepen our feeling to each other further. I was originally happy for my plan, however what he said makes me think that : he likes spending time with me together, plus enjoy it freely (I am not sure whether he thinks like this), but on the other hand, he is so scared of being more close to me.

So now what I am thinking about is not the traveling together or not, but whether I should split with him.

Pl give me some suggestions!

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 6:09pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2010
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 7:46pm

I told him I gonna invite him to visit big cities and my city, but it depends on how many days off he can get from his part time job. But he emphasized that: I probably cant visit your city cz I cant take long days off. It is true that he can have at most 10 days or even shorter for the traveling, yet he told me twice that he could not probably visit my city. I think the real reason is that he does not want to have future with me, and so there is no reason for him to visit my city to see my relatives and friends there.

I want to have future with him together, but this time my invitation is just for relaxation, even if he visits my city does not mean we finally get married. But his reaction gave me the signals that he wants to spend time with me, but be scared of more close rela with me.

Actually I almost splitted with him b4 when he could not give me a certain reply about our future. Yet we do love each other and enjoy being together, and painful for both of us if splitted. So we still being together. He said he is not ready, and want to wait till time is right. Time is right, i feel it sounds like a big lie: who knows when time is right. I cant take risk. Obviously he is not ready for marriage, and he does not want to split with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 8:08pm

I agree with you that not wanting to even go to the city your family lives in, combined with other signs and statements of not wanting to make you a long-term partner, does not sound promising. He's had two years to get to know you and it sounds like he's saying he does not see you as a potential wife.


Also, here

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2010
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 9:57pm

thanks for ur advice!

I should give more details here. 1. He works part time job in an airline company, so he can get big discount for the ticket for himself and for me too, so totally the amount for our tickets are not expensive at all compared with regular ticket price; 2. I told him I want to buy ticket for him, he said thanks, but he did not said he accepted that, sounds like he wanna buy it himself cz it is really so cheap for him to buy the ticket, even if I buy both, still much cheaper 3. In terms of expenses traveling in my country, I dont know the culture of usa, yet generally if it is a really close friend to visit, we usually will be in charge of most expenses. Even if it is not him, but another very close friend, I will also take care of most expenses.

Everything is good and happy b/w us, except when talking about marriage. Does it has sth to do with he is now still in college and not have a decent job? I am not sure, although finance is a big issue to consider when thinking about marriage. Or he is waiting for a potential wife? Generally speaking, he treats me well. But if without marriage, I still feel unsecure. I know marriage is not 100% secure, yet at least it means the guy wanna share responsibility with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 10:23pm

Oh I see then I had misunderstood about the money. In the US we would each pay our own way if it was two friends travelling in your country.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 10:27pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2010
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 12:49am

Thanks for your advice!

In my country, if sb visit you, no matter eating at home or in a restaurant, it is always the host who pay for all expenses.

My bf is from Euro. The only reason is that he cant get many days off, and probably 10 days or 5 days. Last time, when he got back to his country, he just got 5 days off totally. I totally understand this, but I do not like he told me that he could not visit my city twice, which made me feel like he tried to emphasize it.

He never invited me to visit his country and his home. I referred it several times b4, he did not give me clear answer, I had bad feeling about it. now I never referred it anymore. One time we got angry with each other, he said: I do not want to more close rela with you, the reason I do not invite you to my country and home is that I do not want to give you wrong message making you thinking that we gonna marry. I dont know he said so cz he was so angry at that time, or he said the truth. Yet, one time I talked about split, he said we have very happy time together...

He told me a few times that he is not ready for marriage. So far now I believe he does not have other girl. I do not plan to ask him whether he thinks we gonna married after he finds a good job, cz I think even if he give me a satisfying answer and then I wait for him 2 yrs, he may probably change after 2 yrs, which is a big risk for me. Nobody know what will happen in the future.

I feel complicated: we do care and love each other, but he is not ready to marry me; I feel he does have true feeling on me, but not as deep as I have on him. Just my feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2010
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 12:58am

Thanks for your advice!

I know what I can do here is try best to describe my situation, but the I am the only person who is really in the situation. Yet I think at least I can get ideas from different ppl, cz ppl have same idea more or less.

I have some friend who has been in rela from long time, but finally broke up; some friend married after knowing each other half a yr; and some friend who are just like your case, after breaking up, finally got married. So many uncertainties in the world.

I thought for a while tonight, and decided to travel with him together no matter what gonna happen finally b/w us, since I already send my invitation to him. Just enjoy the happy time together. I plan to go back to usa in August, and then I gonna make all clear with him, cz I think I cant be in such kind of situation anymore, cz I am very unhappy for this. HOnestly, breaking up, he gonna lose more than I do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2010
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 2:41pm

I think it is time for me to move on.

I went to college with him together today, and just met one of his classmates. He introduced me to his classmate: Hey, this is + my given name, without saying this is my gf.

I was shocked for this, almost 2 yrs being together, he did help me much and care me , I thought his feeling to me is true, until today I found out i am wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2010
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 9:31am

He does not have many friends, but he did introduce me long time ago to his best friend who has known him 5 yrs. That classmate is just so so friend with him, I did not know why he did so.

I had long conversation with him yesterday, and we all agreed that mostly we had good time when together, yet only one thing kept annoy us: the marriage. I am ready for that, while he is obviously not. I asked whether he wanna a new girl, he said definitely not, just not ready. He said he is not sure when he feel ready, maybe half a yr, maybe 2 yrs, maybe never, but he does not want to me wait, too risk for me. I knew this clearly myself. He said : 1. it is better for us to split now, but still keep contact 2. no matter what will happen b/w us, i am already part of his life 3. even after we split, he still cares me and help me when necessary 4. if he feel ready one day and at that time I am still unmarried, he will defi propose to me; 5. He said he helped me b4 without considering return, it is just so clear and pure rela with me (of course, at the same time, I cared and helped him trying my best).6. If I can find a nice guy for marriage, he is happy for me, but he hopes I could not find finally, and if that is true, and he is ready till then, we gonna marry.

He also said since he is not ready to settle down now, even if get married with me, he may hurt my feeling , which make thinigs worse, and he does not to see me suffer if that really happen.

I have been with him for almost 2 yrs, and generally he gives me the feeling of trustable! So when he told me all of this, I feel I believed what he said.

After conversation, we walked around, and when I saw some nice jewrey in a store, he bought a necklace for me, although it is not expensive one, I felt happy. He also said it better for me to go back to china myself, cz he feel unfair if I spend money for him since we decide to split.

I know there are cases that bf and gf splitted but then being together again and got married; on the other hand, I saw so many ppl here said if a guy is not ready to settle down with you after 1 yr with his gf, he would never. But from the way and attitude that he talked with me, I do not think he was lying to me. Every case is different, ppl different, hard to say.

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