What should I think of all this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
What should I think of all this?
23
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 11:13pm

Last Monday, while waiting in a restaurant lobby for an interview I was approached by a man, we’ll call him John (He’s 37, I’m 27). He sat down in a chair across from me and started making friendly small talk, I explained that I was waiting to be interviewed and he told me he was there to plan a banquet for some business associates. Our conversation last a few minutes then I was greeted by the manager for my interview. When I left the restaurant to walk to my car I noticed that John was sitting in his car by the curb directly in front of the building. I figured that he was probably waiting for someone and started digging in my purse for my keys and started walking to the parking garage to my car.

As I approached the parking garage John pulled up beside me and asked me if I heard him saying “hi” to me back outside the restaurant. I was surprised he followed me all the way to the garage and told him that I was distracted looking for me keys. We immediately started chatting again and then he asked me if I wanted to join him for lunch at a restaurant around the corner and I did. We had the general get to know you conversation and he seemed to think I was funny. I immediately felt comfortable with him and felt like we had good chemistry. Unfortunately, he wasn’t satisfied with his meal, he kept expressing that all he wanted was a grilled cheese sandwich. I was having a good time with him so I spontaneously invited him back to my place and told him I could make him a pretty good grilled cheese. (No, I do not do things like this all the time, but for some reason I immediately felt like he was pretty trustworthy.)

We ended back at my place around the corner from the restaurant and all was friendly and innocent a first. I made him a grilled cheese and we continued our conversation. He asked me about my interview and I explained my shaky job situation to him. We also discussed the upcoming Memorial Day weekend and I told him that I had some good friends coming in town but I wasn’t sure how I was going to entertain them because I was going through a rough time financially. After I mentioned this he started asking me how much my rent is etc. I told him for the sake of the conversation, but in the back of my mind I thought it was kind of odd. He then explained that he felt for me because he went though a through time financially a few years ago. When we were done discussing my financial woes he said I seemed stressed and started giving me a back massage… and then one thing lead to another and he started taking all my clothes off and we ended up having sex.

Now, I don’t usually play by “dating rules” such as; don’t sleep with a guy you meet on the first date. I think they’re BS and I just go with the flow; it all depends on how I feel that day to be honest. Not that I make a habit of sleeping with men I just met, I’ve actually only done it three times (the other two times I was drunk) in 27 years. I have friends that slept with their husbands that first night they met them so I really don’t buy that sleeping with a man too early always makes him loose interest.

For the next four days we talked on the phone and texted a lot. We talked about hanging out again and even sleeping together again. While chatting on Thursday, four days after we met, we got into a conversation about my financial situation again and I mentioned that I was kind of stressed with my rent being due and my friends coming in town. I mentioned that I was contemplating calling my parents but I was dreading making the phone call. So, that’s when he asked me if I would like some help. I was shocked, so just to make sure we were talking about the same kind of help I asked him to make himself clearer and he said he would help me out with my bills. At first I refused because I thought it was really awkward considering that we had just met four days ago and only seen each other in person once. He told me not to “let my feelings get in the way of blessings.” So, since I have been feeling pretty spontaneous lately I agreed to let him help me out.

Friday evening he came over and took care of about $1,500 worth of my bills, including my rent and utilities. The whole situation was bizarre to me; prior to coming over he even called his bank on three-way and let me listen to his $50,000 checking account balance. (I’m not too sure what all that was about, maybe for him to prove that he’s legit?) I didn’t act impressed or anything by his bank account balance because everything is relative. I don’t know what his living expenses are like or his regular lifestyle. The only question he asked me regarding my bills was how I planned to handle to the situation if he didn’t help me, I simply told him I would’ve have just paid them late when I got the money or I would’ve broke down and called my parents. He also mentioned that I seemed uncomfortable having a man take control of things and I openly admitted that I was. I’m used to being single and independent and fixing all of my problems on my own. I think the most awkward part was that we had only known each other for four days but that didn’t seem to bother him a bit.

After all the bills got squared away he started asking me questions about my past relationships. I was totally unprepared for the conversations so early on and I was kind of annoyed by it. But of course I cooperated since he had just paid damn near all my bills. He started the conversation off by asking me, “Why did we have sex?” I looked at him like he was crazy and told him because he took all my clothes off. I didn’t make one move on him. But I guess he expected me to pay the game and act like it was against “the rules” to sleep with him, which I think is total BS. If he didn’t want to sleep with me then why the hell did he do it?! Then of course he asked me if I sleep with all the guys right after I meet them. He went into some spill about if I put myself out a certain way that’s how people are going to perceive me. I can obviously understand this and I think the double standard is ridiculous. Then he asked me if I was just into being focused on my career and being independent. I told him that I’m open to a relationship, I just don’t think I’ve found the right person and I’m not just going to jump into a relationship with anyone. He asked me if I would deal with him if he said he was married, but reiterated that he was not married. I said of course not, I don’t date married men! That question seemed real suspect to me. I had also asked him if he had a wife when I first met him and he kind of avoided the question. I don’t really get the impression that he is married, but maybe he’s separated or going through a divorce. He also asked me how he should feel about the situation and that he thinks that I might be trying to be slick. I wasn’t sure what he was referring to considering that he offered to help me. Then he went to a spill about how he thinks I’m probably a control freak, I’m not affectionate (I wasn’t very affectionate towards him because it takes me a bit to open up to someone on that level), and that I have likely have little respect for men because my father and I don’t have the best relationship (which is why I was dreading asking my parents for money). He said that he thinks I’m weird but he couldn’t specifically articulately to me why but nonetheless he’s really attracted to me.

So, after all that he invited me to bring my friends that were coming in town for the weekend to a concert with him and his friends on Saturday night. I explained that both of my friends were married and they probably weren’t into that music artist anyway. I thanked him and we said our good byes, he indicated that he would “do this again next month”, referring to my bills. I looked at him weird and said “I hope not”. As he was leaving he asked me to call him and I agreed.

We didn’t have any communication with each other all weekend, on Monday I received a text from him. I didn’t see the text right away because I was busy, when I replied about 30 minutes he said he was about to eat dinner and would call me shortly. About four hours went by and he never called. So, I sent him a text and asked him how his dinner was and he replied and said that it was fine. He asked me what I was doing and I said nothing and invited him over. He explained that he was still out of town and that he was tired, then the conversation died. The next day (Tuesday) I decided to give him a call so we could catch up, he didn’t answer and I left a message. I didn’t hear from him at all. At first I was going to say eff it and forget about it but for some reason I just can’t get him off my mind. So, instead of waiting for him to call me back or contact me I took the advice of a male friend and sent him a text this afternoon (Friday). It said: "I haven't heard from you in a while, just making sure there aren't any hard feelings. I was enjoying getting to know you better. If you're not busy this weekend I would like to cook you dinner. I greatly appreciate you helping me out." He replied and said that he unexpectedly got called for a work assignment and that he had been busy. He asked me to bear with him and that he would be in touch with me soon.

I feel so drawn to this guy for some reason. I really want to get to know him more but I’m really having trouble reading him.

What am I suppose to think of this whole situation? I would really like some male insight.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 11:51pm
This whole
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 3:41pm

I'm with Coconut on this, every thing seems very fishy and doesn't sound like you're putting yourself in a very good situation or a safe situation.


Him parked outside the building and then following you into the parking garage would have had my skin crawling

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 8:50pm
If I were a betting woman I would bet all the money in my bank account that he is a married man. You should just cut your losses and cut off all contact with him. You probably weren't the first affair and you won't be the last. But this guy is definitly up to something. My guess is, if it hasn't happened all ready, that he will hold the bill paying over your head when you ignore him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 5:15pm
What is happing here is her is becoming a mentor. Many people pick up "strays" and set them right. He may be very wealthy and have the financial acumen. Don't make too much of this. He may see himself as coming to your rescued now you have been rescued.
Many years ago there was a show called the millionaire. The them was this very wealthy man would give a million dollars to some down on their luck person to see what they would be able to do with it.
I disagree with the others.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 10:48pm

Thanks for the reply. I think I agree with you the most. I think he really just did this out of the kindness of his heart and because he had the financial means to help me out. Maybe he really does "feel for me" like he explained. The more I think about it I highly doubt that he thinks that "giving me" $1,500 is that big of a deal(he didn't give me cold hard cash- he actually paid my bills over the phone and dropped a check off at the rental office). He also told me he gambles and shared a story of when he gambled thousands in one night. So, I would think that parting with $1,500 is like nothing to him. Not to mention that his brother just retired from the NFL after a long career so I wouldn't doubt that he shared some of his wealth with him.

It seemed really odd at first that a random guy that I knew for just a few days shelled out a good amount of cash for me but I just keep reminding myself that everything is relative. While $1,500 seems like a good bit of money to me to a lot of other people it's like pocket change. And, coincidentally my friend met a guy in the same area (pretty affluent area) that I met John who just started shelling out a bunch of cash to her shortly after meeting. So, I guess this isn't that unheard of.

I still feel that he's likely a generally good guy. He also has a pretty important job with a federal government defense contractor and I know for fact that you have to have a pretty squeaky clean background to work there. I know he's legit about that, he gave me his business card and I also found his Linked-in profile. He seems pretty straight laced, he's a retired Marine as well. I also would hope that if he is "crazy" he wouldn't try anything with me considering that I told him that my father is a pretty high ranking law enforcement officer.

We've had minimal contact in the past week, we've only had two brief conversations via text message. It really doesn't seem like he's expecting anything from me at all. The only issue I'm not sure about is his relationship status. I'm not 100% convinced that he's single. I feel like he might be separated, which is still married or maybe he's in the process of ending a relationship with someone. It was just odd to me that he kept on feeling the need to mention that he's single. It seemed like he might of had a guilty conscience.

If we do have anymore contact I'm just going to try not to get my feeling involved too much until I really figure out what's going on. I'm attracted to him just as much as he says he's attracted to me. But we still don't really know each other at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 12:16am
There are many such people. They have the wealth and power to help. Notice that he did not give you cash but paid what you needed to be paid. Truly it is up to you to put your financial house in order.
I come from a family where my father bought food for one of his tenants because they had none(this was pre-welfare). He also bought breakfast for his home room and any other student who would drop in because he was frustrated trying to teach hungry students. He was not wealthy be even the standards of that day. But that was his heart. The first argument i dared have with him was because he wanted me to work at the pickle factory i declined because it was a job many kids took when they really did not need the money pushing out the poorer kids who's families were struggling. I saw it a a moral issue, so did my father.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 2:37am

If there's a free ride I've never seen it. Good luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 9:51am
Well, he did get something out this... we did sleep together when I first met him. And, let's just say the sex was definitely better for him than it was for me. Not that I'm trying to promote some type of prostitution or whore myself out but I guess I would give it a whirl again if he wanted to (as long as he's not married). But he doesn't seem pressed at all about having sex again, it has only came up once since the first time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 11:40am

It sounds like the guy is married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 1:35pm

I understand what you're saying. Oh, and believe me I Googled him like crazy! The only problem is that he doesn't go by his first name he goes by his middle name and I'm not exactly sure the spelling or pronunciation of this first name (something French sounding). His business card has his first initial then his middle name and last name. The other issue is that he's staying with a friend in the area until his new home is ready to move into. So, I'm not exactly sure which city to use in my search. It just seems like he's been moving around the metro area a bit in general.

Oh, and he didn't follow me home, he followed me from the restaurant to the parking garage. We went to another nearby restaurant and then I invited him back to my place. Yeah, it was weird that he actually asked me why we had sex as if I forced him to do it. He made all the moves on me not the other way around. I was just going with the flow. But he did show concern for my financial situation before we had sex and shared his own personal experience about being broke.

I don't plan on accepting any more money from him and I have been contemplating letting him know that I will pay him back but realistically it's not going to happen any time soon. I don't see the point of mentioning paying him back if I don't know how or when I'm going to be able to. I could ask my parents for the money to pay him back but it's already looking like I'm going to have to ask them for help for next months bills. I'm not trying to ask them for thousands of dollars and listen to whatever spill the want to give me about how my life is a mess. I only accepted the help from him because he offered and did seem sincerely concerned. It was easier to deal with a near stranger than deal with my judgmental and critical parents. If he contacts me and mentions something about wanting me to pay him back then I'll gladly work something out with him but I figure if he wanted me to pay him back he would've have said that up front. He even made a comment stating that my living expenses really aren't a lot of money at all.

I could be overreacting but at this point I'm under the impression he's likely lost interest. Even though he said he's been busy with work and asked me to bear with him, if he wanted to make time to contact me he could. Even if he wanted more sex I'm sure he would've made time for that by now. Or maybe he's just been busy with his wife.. who knows!

This situation is somewhat mysterious but like I said my friend was in a similar situation and nothing crazy happened. She never even slept with the guy! I don't like to think that all people are bad or have some crazy motive so I'm just going to believe that he did this out kindness until I have reason to believe otherwise.

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