What's a girl to do?
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What's a girl to do?
| Mon, 06-12-2006 - 1:20am |
I have been dating this guy for almost 2 months now, We have been intimate on more than one occasion and the sex is great. To make a long story short, he wants all of the perks that come with being my boyfriend without making the actual commitment. I am extremely attracted to him, when we are together, it is more than sex we have actually formed a pretty good, solid friendship, Sometimes I feel used and then w/in minutes, I feel like we can actually be more than friends. We have talked about this several times and he continues to tell me that he does not want a girlfriend and that we should just remain friends, he tells me that there is not another girl in the picture and I just don't believe him... Why else would he not want to be with someone like me? I'm smart, caring, attractive, and successful all of the things that he has told me that he wants in a girl.He is always telling me How perfect I am and what a good catch I am, I want us to be perfect together. I have done so much for him, more than I've done for men I've known much longer. I know how the old saying goes, why buy the cow when u can get the milk for free, Am I hoping for something that will never happen? am I allowing myself to be used? should I make an ultimatum? Should I leave him alone and move on? I have many male friends, I want to be in a real relationship...Any thoughts, opinions, suggestions, advice are well appreciated...Thanks

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A lot of women can't do FWB relationships because they start feeling more than just friend feelings. That's okay but it probably means a FWB relationships won't work for you.
He probably does really mean all the great things he says about you but you aren't "the one" for him. But because you are a friend he sees all the great things you have to offer a(nother) guy and is letting you know.
I've had FWB relationships myself. I am a woman who has been able to do them. They have been some of my best "relationships" with guys. I got sex every Tuesday and Friday but he didn't freak if I went to lunch with a guy I met or didn't call for 5 days. They were really great guys and would make really great husbands for other women someday but I knew they weren't the ones for me.
He has been honest. If you can't do FWB then you should stop being his lover, doing "so much" for him and be just friends.
Who knows you might pull back and he might realize that he really does have more than FWB feelings for you but don't hold your breath.
I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you want to hear but you can't make someone love you if they don't.
And where is your responsibility in this? He did what he wanted and got what he wanted in the relationship. However, you didn't do what you want or get what you wanted because you acted without defining what result you wanted. You had sex a couple of times and then, afterwards, got upset because he didn't commit to you.
That is an irresponsible pattern, someone has sex believing that the other person will commit to them because of the sex. If you want commitment, talk about it before you have sex, don't get angry because you don't have it, ". . . after we had sex the first couple of times".
You made a mistake. I hope that you learn from it and don't repeat your behavior. Talk, get commitment, THEN sex. Of course, you also need to decide what the definition of "commitment" is before you act next time.
You say the sex is great but then on the Lets Talk about Sex board, you say that the sex doesnt last more than 5 minutes and you even call him your partner!!! Sounds confusing to me.
If this is purely a friends with benefits type of relationship which by the sounds of it, is exactly what it is seeing as he has stated several times, he doesnt want a girlfriend then you need to at least make sure the benefits are good.
You are obviously holding out for something much more as you say you want a real relationship and I feel that you will get hurt in the long run as he is not going to be the right man for you.
If you are purely in it for sex, then carry on. But if you are living in hope of it becoming a relationship, then I definately think you should move on, to avoid any heartache in the future.
xx
Well Divine, I haven't read any of your other posts, but since you've ONLY been seeing this guy for "almost two months", I think you need to give HIM a break and YOU a break. Early stages of a relationship are funny, people aren't completely honest, not only with the other person, but with themselves. Give ti some time first, before you start wondering and worrying, and spend some time figuring out what you want.
Essentially you've made things way too easy for him. Stop doting on her first I mean what has he done to deserve all that? Especially after talking to him about a serious relationship, how have you let him know your serious? If feel that having sex with him should have naturally progressed the relationship then you have alot to learn about men. They don't need commitment to have sex and most probably don't want a commitment with every girl they sleep with. To a degree I have a similar situation, I've been seeing a guy for about two months, and he has told me a couple times he is not looking to get married, well since I don't know him well enough to say I want to marry him either, this is a topic I let lie. The commitment talk can scare off 90% of men, so I prefer to kind of trick them. What I mean by this is taking care to have a confident and carefree attitude when dealing with them, keeping a firm grip on my life outside the relationship, not giving them everything they want, make them work for you. This may not help you with this guy but in the future remember this if you remember nothing else, confidence is the strongest factor involved in a intimate relationship, emotional, needy, or overly generous, overly available comes across as low self esteem, and guys will not get involved if they see you in this light. Best advice is to get some confidence, realize no matter how much you think you care for him, your way too good to put up with some guy who would use you as he is, if your all those great things he says you are then why the hell wouldn't he commit? Now believe it girl, you don't have to be jennifer aniston, I'm sure he's no brad pitt, you are worthy you are beautiful and you do have something to offer, so never let anyone make you feel like you'll accept anything less than total respect for a minute. You've got to love yourself more than anyone else, only then will you find yourself in a good healthy reciprocal relationship. In the future try to relax use some patience and win the guy over with your self confident easy going attitude, if he wants to be with a great chick like yourself he should have to earn you.
hope I helped=)
Being treated like persona non grata by our lover sucks. BTDT. It is NOT okay.
Too bad for him because you sound like a really smart and decent woman. I'm glad you realize that you deserve and need more and aren't enabling anyone to treat you that way.
Big ((((HUGS)))) to you.
Lisa
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