What's he thinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
What's he thinking?
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 6:21pm
I've never done this before, but I can use all the input I can get.

I am dating a friend I have known for 8 or 9 months. We started dating in the beginning of March. We get along wonderfully and seem to care for eachother very much. I've known him through 2 relationships, the first of which was the end of a three year realtionship. Both were disastrous.

I haven't had any luck with a long term boyfriend in over 2 years. My friend chased me for months and months, hinting that he wanted to date me one day, and then pushing to try to date me. I held back because I had seen what he'd been through and was currently experiencing, and I didn't think he was ready to be with me. I'm not the dating type, you see, I either like you and then we're together, or I don't like you and I won't date you. I can't even like two people at the same time; go on dates with different people, yes, but really like more than one person, no.

My friend, Mike, has many women that hit on him constantly, even though they know we're dating. He is also friends with his ex-girlfriend's family and they talk and hang out frequently. He dated his ex for about 2 months and the family can't let go. He says he's moved on, I believe him. Her family doesn't want him to bring me around, since he WAS dating their daughter. I completely understand this. He hires his ex's dad and her to work for him sometimes, so they are always around. His ex doesn't want to be with him, but as soon as she found out that we were together she started interfering and telling him that she wanted him back, even though she's sleeping with another one of her ex's. This is one issue.

He tells me that he WILL marry one day. Recently took me out and bought stuff so that we could re-do his bathroom. His reason, so that "I have a nice bathroom to use when I'm at his house." I mean, I get all these wonderful offerings and he says such wonderful things to me. He told me that he loves me. One time he said, "Do you know how beautiful you are? I miss your beautiful face. You have a beautiful face and you are a beautiful person." How sweet, right?

Now, here's where the confusion comes into play. I told him that I'm not interested in seeing other people and he freaked out. He said flat out, that he didn't want to see other people either. He said there hasn't been anyone else and that he doesn't want anyone else, but he wants the freedom to go on a date with someone if the opportunity arises. I say what a crock! If he wants me, he wants me, if he doesn't he doesn't. There's no inbetween in my book. What do you think?

He's had his best friend's girlfriend hit on him when I'm not there, and then later told me about it. Now this is a girl that I am trying to be friends with. Trust is a huge factor when it comes to friendship, so I brought it up to her and she denied all of it, only to turn around and yell at him for getting her in trouble by telling me. In the end, he was mad at me. Was that wrong of me?

I have this doubt with him, which I really don't want to have. I fear that he may be with another woman, and when I meet his clients and female friends I fear that maybe they have something "secret" going on. I am not a jealous person, but with the things that have happened and from what he has told me, it's in my head and it's messing with me. I know that it is an insecurity issue, and I am not the kind of person to normally feel this way, but I am having a very hard time with this because of what I know and have seen. I love him. I give him his space and if he wants to date others, I just expect him to be adult enough to tell me if it happens. He's a big boy and he has every right. But, what can I do to really know how he feels without bringing it up again? It's not something he will talk about. Instead, he feels pressured and wants to run. I'm not the "trapping" type. I just want to have the security that we're together and I don't have anything to worry about. I don't want to get hurt again, so until I know for sure, then I worry. I just want to have a good time with him and enjoy the time we spend together, without the outside drama and without others interfering.

Any thoughts......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 6:53pm
My thoughts...stop the justifications and excuses and reviewing each situation as if it were in a vacuum and impacts nothing else.

So what if he wants a nice bathroom for you when you're there...if someone else is there THEY benefit from the bathroom and the impression it leaves on them regarding him. So what if he says you have a beautiful face...that doesn't mean he likes more than your beautiful face so in that case don't jeopardize it or get a pimple!

He says outright he wants the option to date somenoe else if they come along, they haven't yet - but he just doesn't want to rule out possibilities and options.

Okay...now heads up. You know what he wants...and non-committed liason. NOT an equality based, mutually beneficial relationship where you both give appropriately to the other and of yourselves for the benefit of your common goals, values, and priorities.

So...now, it's up to you. If you want to continue to date, to sleep with- if you're doing that, someone that isn't committed and obligated to you, that's your perogative and go right ahead. But DO NOT have a fit, or freak out, or get upset....if he doesn't consider your needs and goals as if you were his girlfriend, if he doesn't prioritize you as if you were his girlfriend, of if he doesn't remain faithful as if you were his girlfriend....becuase you're not, he's said he doesn't want a girlfriend! Not you - despite your beautiful face or anything else.

So, it is up to you. Do YOU want someone that wants a committed relationship - not just a physically exclusive contractual agreement? If you do - stop affiliating with him because he's not going in that direction. His actions do NOT say he wants it, his words have confirmed it at the core.

IF what you two have in the moment is just fine - realize just as it is now is likely how it will always be. Take responsibility for yourself and your destiny.