When NOT to say what she wants to hear?
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When NOT to say what she wants to hear?
| Mon, 05-22-2006 - 1:22pm |
I've kinda been programmed with the default instructions to give woman whatever answer she wants to hear, whether it's the truth or not. ("Do I look fat in this?" "No! Of course not!")
Obviously that's not appropriate in every case (I'm not going to tell a girl I lover her or want to marry her if I really don't for intance).
What are some other instances where a lie might make her feel better but honesty really is the best policy?

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Some instances, you ask, when honesty might be better than the lie that would make her feel better .... hmmm...
I think the *delivery* of that honesty is crucial to survival in this game - if one is careful, the honest answer can be the one that makes her feel better than the lie - in the long run.
I think situations when the "lie" is harmless, but only serves to make her feel better, is okay - such as "does this dress make me look fat" when really, it's not as bad as she thinks it is, is okay.
Might also depend on WHY she's asking - is she wearing that dress to impress a group of other people that are important in her life (and who might be critical of her appearance), or will she wear it to impress you? If it's to impress others, and it's an important occasion, you'd better be honest with her because the consequences of a lie could hurt her feelings far worse.
My DH often berates me about time management. I'll complain that I don't have enough time to do this or that, and he doesn't enable me by lying or coddling. He'll tell me I need to learn to manage my time better. If he were to lie, it would only serve to make my habit worse. By being honest, he helps me to see how I can improve myself. I might be angry with him at the moment, but I get over it, and later on I find myself thinking about how I can accomplish a sequence of tasks in better time.
Other instances I can think of would include any of the following major dealbreakers: Money matters, drug or alcohol use, fidelity, etc. - basically anything that has an impact on the health of your relationship, trust, respect, or matters that are VERY important to HER.
As one example: If DH were to make a major purchase on a credit card, and lied to me about it, I'd be LIVID - but more about the lie than the purchase. If he's honest, fesses up to me he spent $10,000 on a fishing boat for example, I'd be upset about the purchase but appreciate his honesty. THAT we can work through. The lie, however, can't be resolved so easily.
But I suspect I'm not taking this discussion in the direction you intended, am I?
What, exactly, are you referring to? Situations like, "how does my hairstyle look?" or "do you think about me while you're working?" or "am I as beautiful to you as that actress on TV?"
Or situations like, "I want to buy that car for $XXX..., isn't that a great deal I found?" or "my kids behave like little angels, don't they?" or "Seven speeding tickets this year doesn't make me a bad driver, does it?"
This discussion could go in a thousand different directions. Help us out, here... exactly which direction are you referring to?
Msfit
&nbs
"My DH often berates me about time management. I'll complain that I don't have enough time to do this or that, and he doesn't enable me by lying or coddling. He'll tell me I need to learn to manage my time better. If he were to lie, it would only serve to make my habit worse. By being honest, he helps me to see how I can improve myself. I might be angry with him at the moment, but I get over it, and later on I find myself thinking about how I can accomplish a sequence of tasks in better time."
This is an example of why I'm a tad iffy on this. Even when you're ultimately in the right, it's seems honesty in such a case is liable to provoke an argument.
As someone who would rather avoid a fight, I'm a bit torn on this.
Well 1st of all when a woman states that she is always late or something to that effect, she knows she has an issue with it. Try instead of just agreeing with her making suggestions or offering her a hand. For instance ask her if she would like you to wake her up a little earlier or may be that she make a list of her agenda ahead of time to help keep her on schedule.
Things like her appearance can be a shakey subject and sometimes kit gloves are required.
here are couple suggestions for different scenarios
1. if she asks you if she looks like she's getting fat- DON'T SAY YES- even if you think she is, if you love her tell you think she's as beautiful as always, then offer your sympathy and support by saying something like- but if it's bothering you maybe we could work out together or I can get some yoga classes or something.
2. If your going out somewhere and she asks how she looks in an outfit- if she really doesn't look good tell her your really liked they way she looked in another outfit she has that you know looks nice, of course this can go bad if she has gained weight and can't fit into it- if this happens you need to come clean, but with a large dose of sensitivity- let her know that you are only telling her because you love her (or care for her)you always want her to put her best foot forward, when she looks nice she glows and her confidence soars, when she doesn't well this brings her confidence down and could lead to embarassement. Chances are she is unsure of the outfit already if she's asking,
and I bet when she looks truly stunning she doesn't ask. By the way if you are forced to be honest, try offering to take her out to buy her a new outfit.
3. If either of the above scenarios have her standing naked in front of you- if the truthful answer is anything less than positive- FOR THE LOVE PETE LIE- to tell her she doesn't look beautiful when naked could have serious detrimental affects on your sex life.;)
hope this helps. If you have any other specific scenarios run em past me, I promise to be honest.
In my opinion, lying is one of the worst things you can do no matter what the situation.
It really all depends on the girl, but if a girl asks you if she looks fat in an outfit, then she wants to know if she looks fat in an outfit! Simple as that... If a girl freaks out over your answer then you know she's insecure about herself and then you can decide if you want to lie about it or not. I'm guessing if she's insecure about herself, then this is not the only problem that will pop up. if you just started going out with this girl and you don't really know her too much and she asks you a question like that, tell her the truth - I'm not saying you should say "Yes, you look fat", but you don't have to exagerate and say "You look absolutely gorgeous!" (unless you mean it of course)
"As someone who would rather avoid a fight, I'm a bit torn on this."
This really ticks me off with guys. This is the excuse most of my guy friends use when their girlfriends are upset about stuff they tried to hide and when I ask them why they just didn't tell their girlfriends about whatever it is they didn't tell her about in the first place..
You try to avoid a fight by not being upfront, which leads to an even bigger fight that might not be able to fix (because, let's face it, everything comes out in the open sooner or later).. Once a girl loses her trust for you, good luck..
Why not just deal with the little arguments?
"Why not just deal with the little arguments?"
If we knew in advance just how big a given argument would turn into, this would be much easier. However, little arguments can turn into bigger arguments, can stew for days/weeks, can ruin a relationship. So when is it OK to light that fuse when you don't know how big the explosion is going to be?
Someone gave the example of being honest if it's a really important occasion and she is looking to impress others. Likely this conversation is happening just prior to that engagement and if this turns into a emotionally charged fight, she's going to be upset all evening, not make a good impression and likely ruin whatever thing it is you are trying not to ruin.
Guys typically don't know how bad it's going to get and find themselves wondering "How the heck did I get into this situation?". A couple of times like that is a learning experience and you just refuse to take the first step into the confrontation and thus avoid it as much as possible.
Brokk...
The truth is, the more I read in this thread, the more I can see why a lot of guys see talking with their girlfriend/wife/whatever as walking on eggshells.
A lot of posts here have said "be honest but do it in a nice way". Now, of course if it were just that simple, there'd be no problem. Unfortunately not all guys are quick enough to come up with some answer at that very moment that conveys the truth yet still keeps him from having to sleep on the couch that night.
Some of us get nervous trying to figure out the "correct" answer, so we sometimes decide the safest course of action is to just blindly say whatever we think she wants to hear. Truth be damned.
Is it healthy for the relationship in the long run? Probably not. But in that moment when a guy is struggling to think of the "right" answer, he isn't thinking about the long run. He's thinking "what can I say to get myself out of this jam?"
Besides which, getting yelled at constantly or getting the cold shoulder repeatedly can't be good for a relationship either.
I am always suprised when I hear about women asking "does this make me look fat." Do they seriously do this? I don't think I've ever asked a man in my life that question. Nor have most of my girlfriends.
Now I've had an idiot boyfriend who was packing on the pounds himself have the nerve to say to me "Maybe you should start doing aerobics" when I went from a size 7 to a 9. Mr Beer Gut is an ex for a reason. But I have never actively sought an insult from my partners.
But I also have a problem with guys "blindly saying what they think she wants to hear. Truth be damned" This is the excuse so many men use for not being honest about so many things from the begign, to wether or not they cheated, visited a strip club or if they used the money for the electric bill to buy themselves an ipod. I have a real problem with the "poor guy" being dishonest to keep from getting in trouble.
Guys should think in the long term if they want an honest, long term relationship. Just like they should learn to create intimacy and how to offer support to their partners in difficult, stressful times.
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