Why do guys do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2009
Why do guys do this?
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 12:18pm

I was raised by a type A father to be decisive, to plan, to anticipate...so I know I'm not typical maybe. But why is it every guy I go out with is slow to make plans, waits til the last minute, and of course, if he has children, they come first.

I think this guy (who has half custody of two small boys) is into me, loves me a little already (a 2 month online relationship, but only 2 dates) but hasn't set a time for meeting #3 since we meet 8 days ago (an all day date, wonderful, AND he spent the night, also wonderful, soulful even). Like many of us today he has money problems also so his schedule is crazy as he takes odd jobs here and there. I have told him that his house, car, finances don't matter to me (they don't) but I think he is embarrassed for me to see his place, among other things. It's messy he says, plus he has a large dog. I don't care a fig, and have told him so). Early in our relationship he acted like we could meet anywhere but his house- he would mention going to movies and necking in the back- that's how status conscious he is maybe. His ex-wife is very status conscious so maybe that's it...

There is NO other woman in the picture as I've asked lots of questions about that and am satisfied he is honest that way.

He has said really mushy things to me but also "let's take this one day at a time" and "worried the long distance relationship will work against us" (he is only 80 miles away, wants a woman he can see 2x/week for "an hr." was how he put it! So maybe he just wants a sex partner! :) But he said he would work extra hard to make it work 'cause I was a wonderful soul. I should add there's a big age difference between us, but that doesn't seem an issue-yet...

Do guys wait and see if they still feel passion after a week (despite the endearing things they say)? Is he THAT hung up on finances, how his place looks, is it his schedule? I have read men like to be in ther driver's seat as far as "driving the relationship" at least in the beginning so I wait.....Me, I want to make at least a weekly date to keep the momentum going. Thanks!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 1:08pm

Of course HIS children should come first. Would you want to be with a man that put his children second?
How could you possibly how he is in
love with you after 8 days and 2 dates?
Second, you should care about his finances unless you just want to have sex. Do you really want to be with a man who is obligated already to 2 small children and an ex wife, who has to take odd jobs just to make ends meet. Doesn't sound like a good long term prospect. Perhaps that is why his wife is an ex wife.
Didn't you learn anything from your A type Father?

Passion after a week? Come on. Sounds like he is just spoon feeding to get what he wants. Unless that is all you want too?! Frankly I think you are jumping the gun and he doesn't sound like a good prospect but who am I to say
good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 1:56pm

Whoa... Slow down. You two really don't know each other. Of course his children should come before you, or anyone for that matter. What kind of father wouldn't do that?

Sounds like something fishy to me. Maybe because it's a new relationship he doesn't want you to see his "messy" place, but it would make me seriously think. Is he hising something? Is it possible that he and his wife are still together and just telling you a different story? He only wants to meet a woman once or twice a week, for an hour..... Excuse me, but that's just for sex.

You may have asked a lot of questions, but that certainly doesn't mean he is honest with his answers. Do you have his phone number? Maybe someday you should call, see who answers and just say, sorry wrong number. Do it from a pay phone.


I used to believe in forever,
but forever was too good to be true.
Winnie the Pooh

28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 7:20pm

Um, yeah, agreed with italybiker re: the kids - OF COURSE THEY COME FIRST! What the heck? Why would you even question that? And he is in love with you after a "two month online relationship"...and meeting you twice and having sex with you once?

Honey. R-E-L-A-X.

I know you're type A and a planner and whatnot. But this guy isn't "doing" anything in particular that is grounds for being so upset. Maybe he likes you. Maybe he's just feeding you lines. Regardless, now is the time when you two are getting to know each other and find out if you enjoy being around each other. I know I know I know so many of us women (I'm including myself in this because I also do it) jump ahead to the future and start imagining this new man we're dating as the love of our life - but PLEASE for your own sake make at least an effort to keep yourself grounded in the present reality! Have you agreed to be exclusive? If not, he's probably dating other women, and he's perfectly free to do so, just as you are free to date other men.

If he's not making plans with you...you either (wo)man up and invite him to do something with you, or you accept that he's not interested in you and move on.

It's really quite easy once you stop reading so much into it. You hold out for what you want, and if you're not getting it, you ask for what you want. If you're still not getting it, you leave. Caveat: make sure you know what you want and make sure your wants and expectations are based in reality and appropriate for the stage the relationship is in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 8:35pm

It is not "guys do this," it is "this guy is doing this." But what exactly is he doing?

You mention that there is a considerable age difference. You say that he told you that he is mainly looking for someone he can meet for sex a couple of times a week. It sounds as if in spite of all his "soulful" words, he is just a guy looking to get laid by a younger chick.

You can do better. But you won't if you continue to confuse the "romance" of an online relationship with a real relationship.

Whether it is because he is still married, or because he is dating other women (as others have suggested) or simply because he is too busy with other things at this stage of his life, he obviously isn't interested in the kind of relationship you want--at least not with you. The long e-mail "courtship," the "mushy things" he said, the long, passion filled second date... none of this means anything except that he is having a good time without making a commitment.

You can be the "planner" and see if he responds, but in my experience, when I had to take the initiative it was usually because the guy wasn't interested enough. Even if he has kids (and the kids _should_ come first) the fact that he hasn't found time to meet you sooner and is now not planning for the next date indicates that he is just not that into you. Wait for the right guy and let this one go.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2009
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 10:47pm

you've got to be kidding.

in love already?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2009
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 10:48pm
why do women start planning weddings and childrens names after one date and a kiss?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 11:49pm
For the same reason that men profess love after only two dates and a few phone calls.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 5:47am
i would advice you to re-read your own post from a friend's pov and hopefully you will see what we can see.2 months online RS and all this stuff? time to put a brake and then walk slowly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2009
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 9:05am

thanks colters mom- this is the best advice I've gotten here, no matter what the chatroom:

"It's really quite easy once you stop reading so much into it. You hold out for what you want, and if you're not getting it, you ask for what you want. If you're still not getting it, you leave. Caveat: make sure you know what you want and make sure your wants and expectations are based in reality and appropriate for the stage the relationship is in."

I won't post here again for several reasons though. One, it bothers me there are so many women in this chatroom- I want the guy's opinion ONLY. So what's that all about folks? Second, no one reads the posts very carefully, mine or anyone else's. I am told with near metaphysical certitude (sarcasm)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 10:35am

iVillage as a site, is

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