Why do guys end up being distant and dishonest?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2012
Why do guys end up being distant and dishonest?
13
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 6:50pm

Here is a summary of our brief dating history: 

we met in person through mutual friends and texted/chatted and saw each other at group events a few times for about a month

begin sept - went out for drinks and we hooked up (had sex)
he immediately was asking if we were in a relationship and went on to say he likes me 
I said it's too soon to discuss a relationship
(Later he said that he only asked because he thought that is what I thought)
A week later he takes me out on a date to a fairly nice restaurant 
Another time that weekend we went again (no sex that time) 
Later that week we went to dinner. He said he is cool hanging out. 
So to me I'm fine with casual but I felt his previous words/date was a little mixed signal but was like whatever
We saw each other again and had a nice time.

Then he grew distance and I didn't hear from for a week.
I contacted him and we did see each other and hooked up again.
Then we went to a movie and he wasn't very talkative and I asked him and he said he wanted to move to a platonic relationship.
He booty calls me late one night about a week later.
I inquired about this platonic statement and he said he didn't know how to end it and just chose to ignore but said he's good and would hang out again.


Anyhow, I contacted him again and we had a text convo and he said he felt that I would become attached so it's best to end it. He said he is not attached, afraid of committment and I wasn't the only girl he was talking to.  He had told me he wasn't having sex with anyone at the time he was with me when I asked him about it.  Of course, how can I believe that!  He said he was down to sex it up and liked hanging out with me but didn't want me to get too close. He said he likes me but doesn't see how to work anything out.

It really seemed he liked me was excited to see me before and then he got distance.  So now I feel all he wanted as sex in the first place and he should have just said that instead of taking me out on a date.  I don't get men.  So they like a girl but only to a certain extent?  

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012

So you put out on the first date and when he asks if it is a relationship, you say its too soon to say? IMO, that moment killed whatever legitimate possible feelings/inquiry he had. Of course he is going to later defend his ego by saying that he was only asking to see if you thought the same thing that he thought. No one wants to say "I love you" only to get back a "its too soon to say" So he wrote it off, got distant, saw that youre not worth pursuing and just ended up taking advantage of the opportunity with you down the road, though at the beginning he was probably not after just sex. No guy who is after "just sex" starts saying "i like you" and talking about a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012

Read your own information.  You answer all your own questions.  He is a CAD and only wants a FWB.  Sometimes that does lead to romance, but not often.  You said he wanted a booty call, hope he had to find another.  

You would be better off just writing him off as a friend, FWB or possible love.  It ain't in him to love anyone but himself.

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 4:21pm

  Hi  It is a person's responsibility to be true to themselves.  If you wanted a relationship then a FWB is not a recommended approach.  In that case being in a FWB it is you that did yourself the disservice.  Many people of all genders may prefer a FWB.  If you are not honest with your self then blaming the FWB is inaccurate.  It is that the FWB was not moving you toward your goal.  Many women want a FWB/booty Call so the get the sex and "skin" hunger issues resolved; while dating others aiming for a relationship.

 Holding out for sex might be as destructive.  There is not guarantee that it will work and after you have the relationship it will have been set on a dishonest premise.  It is more successful to be who you are.  Too many relationship are based upon dishonesty by all genders.  Check your values and beliefs about relationship and what you need and want from those relationships.  If the other person falls short, then there is is. 

     Perhaps it would be very good to invest in a program to increase your communication skills.  You mentioned that lack of communication as a cause in your "failed" relationships.   There are boards on relationship issues that you will find useful.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012

That text sounds like it was an excuse to do a "wham bam thank you ma'am"

I would definitely throw this fish back.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 2:41pm

wildhummingbird wrote:
I was in FWB relationship, I admit it seemed like a real relationship of 6 years. I and my ex broke up five months ago.I also have had a few relationship including first marriage. All failed. WHY? lack of communication, lack of love and had sex before getting to know each other. Sex is dangerous, we need to AVOID it. Second, FWB is dangerous. because it is not healty and not normal. We need to learn how to hold sex and not move in (live in with a man) till getting married first is more safe than getting regretted every time like a repeated cycle. Just saying.

While this may be true for you, this is not true for everyone.  Sex and an FWB are not dangerous except to someone who has a broken man-picker.

Plenty of women can handle casual sex because they know what they want and they don't waste time fiddling with somene who doesn't want what they want. There is not a man alive who can successfully be sexed into a relationship that they know they do not want.  They will have sex for sex's sake if you're offering; if you're offering sex as a way to manipulate them into entering into a full blown relationship, then yeah, you're going to walk away bitter and disappointed.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
I was in FWB relationship, I admit it seemed like a real relationship of 6 years. I and my ex broke up five months ago.I also have had a few relationship including first marriage. All failed. WHY? lack of communication, lack of love and had sex before getting to know each other. Sex is dangerous, we need to AVOID it. Second, FWB is dangerous. because it is not healty and not normal. We need to learn how to hold sex and not move in (live in with a man) till getting married first is more safe than getting regretted every time like a repeated cycle. Just saying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2012

Well after our first outing of just drinks and sex I figured it was a sexual relationship.  Why bother going further with dates and stuff?  Did he just think that to continue he had to do that?  Did he just want to come across as a good guy... because in my past once a guy knows they can get it, they don't bother with actual dates. 

He was also only 26 years old so that could explain a hell of a lot.  Too immature.

I was fine with a fwb relationship if he hadn't sent mixed signals, but dishonestly is a turn off. 

Also whoever said he is going to stop talking to me so I don't get attached and then hit me up again, I'll watch for that.  When he contacts me again I will have to think of a good comeback to make him feel so undesirable!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 1:23pm

  IMO saying a person is chicken to say that they want sex is unfair.  We have in the US and Possibly the Western world a cultural taboo about a man being direct.  That causes miscommunications and misunderstandings. 

   It would be an ideal world if we could say i would like to have sex with you and hang out.  Tell me if a man/woman/favorite gender said that what would be your reaction?

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 4:56pm

I agree with those who said this guy only wanted sex. He was just to chicken to come out and say so.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Hi

    I am male and understand what is going on.  Many males feel that they have to take a woman out to have sex.  Discussing sexual relations is not easy as the communication is full of land mines.  What he wants is an FWB. 

"So now I feel all he wanted as sex in the first place and he should have just said that instead of taking me out on a date."

     Yes it would have been much more effective if he had been able to say that up front.  By taking you on dates he confused you.  Of course you can call him and set him straight.  He had no way to know that you would be receptive to a sexual relationship with out the "dating".

   The reason he likely became distant is that he was getting vibes of the romantic GF bit when he was interested in a FWB.

   Not everybody is on the same playpage at the same time.  Liking a person,sexing them are allied but not the same. 

dragowoman

Pages