Why do men behave like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Why do men behave like this?
16
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 5:20am

Hi I need some advice. My b/f and I's relationship has been a bit rocky lately, and now I just found out something from one of my friends who ran into two of my b/f's friends tonight. I am friends with my b/'s friends as well, but they are not my best friends or anything.

Well my friend told me that when she asked my b/f's friend if my b/f went to the hockey game with them tonight, that his friend said that no I wouldn't even bother asking him cuz (insert my name here) wouldn't let him. When I heard this that really hurt my feelings. As they did call my b/f and left a msg for him, as my b/f had left his cell on off and forgot as had it off during a meeting at work and forgot to turn it on. So even when I tried calling him it just went to his voice. I know that my friend was not mistaken cuz this is something that his friend would say. Anytime my b/f is not with the guys they automatically think that he is with me. For instance when I am talking to his friend online he will ask me why I am not with my b/f I say because we both have other things going on. Then his friend will respond with Wholly what!!! I usually see my b/f 3- 4 times a week if lucky. So of course on the weekends I want to see him if I can't see him during the week. It makes me feel like I am committing a crime for wanting to see my b/f, when they say these things like this to me. Lots of the time when my b/f doesn't call them back or want to see them is cuz he is just relaxing on his own or doing whatever he needs to do. So they just assume I am with him. I just do not get how guys can be like this. I feel as though they are the ones causing problems in our relationship. I feel like if I have my b/f for fri and sat on the weekends that they are going to start thinking this way. When I sure know that if this one particular guy who said this, had a g/f he would never see anyone. I just feel like this is so childish.

When my b/f is his own person who does what he wants when he wants, unless it is something that would hurt me then he won't. So when he calls the guys and says I am just hanging out with so and so tonight he does it cuz he wants too. So then I just end up feeling guilty for spending time with my b/f. This group of guys is always like that, they even bitch the same way about my b/f's best friends g/f. Although she really is controling and bitchy to ppl, I have seen it. But I am not like that, half the time I loose out on seeing my b/f so that he can watch the game alone with the guys even when my b/f invties me to go. As I decide that I will just give him some alone time to be with the guys.

I feel like if the guys are saying this than they must be saying this my b/f and making him think this way. Causing him to be acting this way. It's like they are jealous or something, or just want everyone to be single to do there own thing. Now I am starting to think that maybe my b/f's friend is upset with me or something cuz last week my b/f went to the bar to have dinner. Then the guys were like lets go to a strip club, and my b/f said no I think I am just going to go home. So the other guys went and my b/f went home. I was at work at the time so I had no idea what was going on, and would have had no idea that my b/f went if he were to have gone. But he knows how I feel about them so he didn't go. So that night I was talking to my b/f's friend the guy that has said all this stuff, one of the first things he said to me was are you with (insert my b/f's name) I was like no I am at home. He was like WHOLLY. I was like why are you saying that. He was like cuz you guys are always together I was like no we aren't. I was at work tonight and have not see my b/f since last weekend, and that we both have are own lives.

I just do not know what else to do, besides broadcasting my b/f's and I's schedule to the world so they can see that we are not always together.

I just do not understand guys. Your insight would be great. Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 7:59am

Why? You hit the nail on the head twice: "I just feel like this is so childish." and "It's like they are jealous or something, or just want everyone to be single to do there own thing."

They are jealous and they are acting childish. Don't worry about them.

What should worry you (or at least it what worries me for you) if this: "I feel as though they are the ones causing problems in our relationship." and "I feel like if the guys are saying this than they must be saying this my b/f and making him think this way. Causing him to be acting this way."

Your boyfriend's friends are NOT the problem in your relationship. It's just like you said, "When my b/f is his own person who does what he wants when he wants..." He is responsible for his own actions and responsible for who he allows to influence his decisions. If what his friends think is more important to him then you are he probably would have gone to the strip club.

If he's acting weird it may well be because his friends are giving him too much crap about you and how much time he's spending with you and it's getting on his nerves; BUT, that's between him and them not him and you or you and them. Let HIM deal with them they are his problem.

I know it isn't going to be easy to just sit back and let him take care of it in his own time; but, it really is what you need to do. Go ahead and talk to him about it. Let him know that you really try not to be one of those women who pulls the man in her life away from his friends and that you feel bad they seem to have gotten that impression and that they are giving him a bad time about it. Let him know that if he feels the same way you'd really like to talk about it and see if there's maybe something there you could work on. Chances are he'll say it's not you and that they're just being a bunch of jerks and that you shouldn't worry about it.

My husband caught flack for all the time he speant with me when we were first dating; but, it never changed our relationship or how much time he spent with me. It sounds like your bf is handling it the same way. He might finding it annoying but it isn't changing how often he sees you.

So if there are problems and rocky times chances are it's something else. Sit down and talk to him and find out if it's something in the relationship or not. It might just be that he's stressed out about other things and if he tells you it's not you and it's not the relationship... BELIEVE HIM!!!! Do not dramatize and psychoanalyze it to death and keep trying ot find soemthing wrong where there isn't anything. Just let him know that if he wants to talk or if you can help your there for him.

Take it from a reformed over-dramatizer and over-analyzer it's a bad habbit worth breaking. Don't go looking for trouble.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 1:53pm

Thanks for the advice it really helped. I actually to one of my girl friends today who is really good friends with the guy who says most of the comments. She was like I think you take things way to personally. She was like you know how he is and that he is just always making those saracastic comments and that he never means it to be so mean. Which is true he is always like that to everyone. I just sometimes I can't take his comments. Yes, I am an over-anaylizer. Which I know is a really bard habit that I should break. I just can not seem to let go of this habit.

My b/f and I are having issues. He told me that he doesn't feel happy and that he doesn't feel like we have fun. My b/f is a very sensitive guy. I send him relationships articles sometimes that have good hints for couples. He told me that he doesn't find any of the ideas on there interesting or fun. I was like those are just ideas and suggestions. It doesn't say we have to do them. Maybe I have made a mistake by sending him these articles and telling him that he needs to be more romantic. I have probably made him feel like he isn't good enough or something. Plus I have probably made him feel that there is something wrong with our relationship. Yes I do feel not as fullfilled in it because he is not that romantic as I know that he has the potential to be. I guess I should have spoke with actions rather than articles and words, as men are more responsive to actions.

Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 2:31pm

"I guess I should have spoke with actions rather than articles and words, as men are more responsive to actions."

Well, you're definitely right about men being more about action then words and they are a lot more sensitive then we give them credit for. You're alos right that he might be feeling a little down on his ability to make you happy because of the articles.

Guys, in general, aren't all that romatnic in the sense we women are used to thinking of that word. We tend to think hearts, flowers, poetry, candlelight. They tend to think "I washed her car and had the oil changed for her. What does this woman want from me?" Don't get me wrong there are guys out there who are more romantic in our way; but, most of s are attracted to the kind of man's man. You know a little macho but still nice; and, that type of guy is usually NOT the "romantic" type.

My husband definitely isn't but I've learned to accept and appreciate HIS romantic gestures. Taking the trash out withouot ever being asked. Making sure my car is well-maintained, wanting me in a "safer" car, other little protective gestures and small daily ways he "takes care of me".

There were two books I read that helped me improve my relationship skills when it comes to guys: "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray and "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman. Like any sort of self-help book neither is perfect; but, you take from it what will work for you. The frist one in perticular offers a lot of insight into the male mind. There are times when you might sit there thinking, "Why id it on the woman to do all this? Why cna't you bafoons do soem of this stuff?" I know I did. But then I realized. Okay, so maybe at first I have to be the bigger person and I have to be the one to make the effort and do the changing; BUT, if it WORKS... Isn't it worth it, if in the end I ultimately get exactly what I wanted for my efforts.

I only mention it becasue you seem like you're really open to new ideas and perspectives and like you want to improve your relationship skills and his and I think that if you lead by example you cna both get a lot out of it. And who can't work on their relationship skills. I work on mine and making myself better all the time. My husband thinks I'm trying to start a self-help library. Pair that with going back to school for a degree in psychology and he's going to stay away from the couch for a long time. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 5:07pm

Hi thanks again for the advice. The funny thing is that I am currently just finishing off a pscyhology major at a University.

I do want to work on my b/f's and I's relationship, however I feel that he doesn't really want to. The thing is that I have known my b.f for years. We actually went out 4 years ago and then brokeup. We then didn't speak for a year after that. But after a year we began talking every once and awhile, then would see each other and get togethers and what not. I always knew that we would get back together. So then 4 years later we got back together. So due to the comment I made about him not being romantic. Back when we went out before he was always so romantic that I felt so great and never had any issues with the relationship. He was the one that set the bar for romance so high. So thats why when he isn't that romantic like he use to be , I get so upset. Because I know he is capable of it. However, I know that I need to not compare the present with the past. Plus ppl change in a span of 4 years. Additionally, my b/f and I are in our early twenties so he was bond to change somehow. Don't get me wrong he is still a great guy, who opens the car door for me all the time, has me go with him to his parents place for dinner, family functions, takes me for dinner. I guess I was just looking for more of what he use to do. So by me bringing stuff up to him about how it hurts me that he can not be as romantic, I have caused negative things to happen in the relationship. I know that my b/f feels bad that he isn't acting that way towards me. He is probably talking this personally causing him to feel unhappy. So now tonight when I see him he wants to talk. I am not sure I want to do this, as I am scared that he may want to end things. As last night he did say that he didn't know if he wanted to do anything tomorrow night like we have had planned for over a week.

Thanks again. Your advice would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 3:05pm

Sorry, it took soooo long to respond. I've been sick and just got back online today.

One thing that no psychology classs can teach is the inner workings of a specific individual ESPECIALLY the inner workings of a man. Only experience will teach you that.

The best advice I can give anyone on relationships in general is that the greatest part of true abiding love (romantic or otherwise) is REAL acceptance and faith (not the religious kind). Knowing that the relationship is going to change, the person is going to change, the person is going to hurt you, the person is going to disappoint you, and loving that person enough to accept them through those changes and mistakes, and having enough faith in them to know they didn't mean to hurt you or disappoint you, and having enough faith in the relationship and each other to know you'll work it out together.

You have to learn to accept what he can and does offer and you have to understand that over time that IS going to change and you'll have to adapt and accept those changes.

That doesn't mean that you can't work on things that are hurtful to you; but, to do that you have to be able to have completely honest and open conversation and you can't have that if the acceptance and faith aren't there already.

Why?

Because of human nature. It is human nature to lie and avoid what we fear and what makes us hurt or is uncomfortable to us. Right now, you've got him on the ropes he feels you're in the position of power and what you need to do is get things back to feeling like you're on equal ground. Effective communication cannot take place while one party is in a state of lording over and the other is feeling subjugated.

You've got to come at things from an angle of how do we fix this not whose fault is it. Right now, he just feels like an a$$ who can't make you happy because he doesn't do things that he used to do. Things that in his mind are really pretty trivial and realistically should be trivial in yours as well.

After all, flowers are pretty and all; but, what is the REAL significance of those "romantic" gestures? He thought of you. Well, he still does think of you it's just that now that the relationship is more stable and he's more secure those thoughts are reflected in a different way; a way, honsetly, you'll have to accept.

Guys do that all the time. They pour on the charm and the "romance" in the beginning and then once they feel secure it evaporates. Welcome, to reality. The truth is all of that is just the dog and pony show to impress you and "get you". Now you're to the REAL part of the relationship, the part where his guard starts to drop down some. The place where he doesn't feel like he has to try quite so hard and he can be the REAL him more.

That's a good thing, that's the place you can build from. The wooing and the "romance" is all fake and for show; it isn't substantive; it's smoke and mirrors. You can't build anything real or meaningful on it.

Learn to value the man not the grandious gestures he used to "catch you".

"he is still a great guy, who opens the car door for me all the time, has me go with him to his parents place for dinner, family functions"

This is the stuff LOVE is made of. This is a show of genuine, abiding affection and caring. Bouquets of roses are NOT. ANY loser can, and will, "romance" you with poetry, hearts, and flowers. Not every guy will show they really care about YOU and want to share their life, and their truest self with you.

Sure flowers for no reason, or even after a disagreement are nice; but what good are they if your relationship has no substance? What good are they if you don't really know HIM? What good are they without those other little things we all take for granted? Would flowers for no reason make you happy if it meant if it cost you what you have gained?

I've been a miserable person trapped in a relationship with a "romantic" guy. I've known people who are miserable and unhappy with guys who are "romantic"; and, and they stay there and they stay miserable because, "He can be soooo romantic." What good is "romance" without substance?

End of lecture. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 10:59pm

Hey thanks for the advice, it was really helpful. Things with my b/f and I worked out fine. I decided to focus more on what he does for me, rather than focusing on the negative. I have found that since I have been like this we both have been happier and he is starting to act nicer towards me. I also decided to take an interest in things like hockey that he loves. As I normally just say how much I hate hockey. Plus I know that it would hurt me if something I enjoyed my b/f told me he disliked or found boring. I still would like for me him to show more effort in the romance side of things, but I know that in his own ways he is showing me he cares for me. Plus I realized that once he is feeling more secure and happy again that I am sure he will start wanting to do those romantic things on his own. He just felt like he could never do anything right, because I would just end up acting disappointed if we just went for dinner and that was it. I was stuck in a fairy tale type romance. Thus no matter what he would do was not good enough. I have learned that everyday life is full of romantic caring gestures. For example when my b/f makes me tea when I am at his place when I am sick. Or does little things for me. Sure I still need to feel every so often some more romantic gesture than these. But I have learned that because I was focusing on having this so romantic all the time, that I actually did the reverse and made things less romantic and more forced for the both of us.

Thanks again for all the advice it was very helpful. It opened my eyes to the way I have been acting, and allowed me to remember what is trully important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 5:23am

Hi thanks for the advice.

Here is an update. Tonight I saw my b/f we both had a really good night. Untill I asked him if this sat he wanted to go downtown to go shopping, dinner and then maybe do something fun. As I wanted him to come with me and help me find an outfit for his work xmas party next weekend. He told me that he actually was going to go downtown that night for dinner for a b-day party for someone from his work. I was like ohhh, were you going to invite me to come. He was like well it is this guys b-day, I was like are other girls going. He was like yes some girls from my work might be going. I was like ohhh so you are telling me it is not just a guys night out yet you still do not want me to go. Then I was like what place are you going too, he told me and I recognized the name it is this lounge type thing. My b/f hates clubs and things like that yet he is still going. I am so unbelieveiable hurt right now. That he doesn't want me to go. I am hurt only because he knows that I would feel more comfortable having met his work friends before the xmas party as there will be 500 ppl there. Second of all he is going out with a mixed group of ppl for dinner where I know they would not mind if he brought me. So it just hurts knowing he is going dowtown for dinner and doesn't want me to go. His answer was that he just wanted to be able to go out and do his own thing and that I can meet everyone at the xmas party.

I told him try putting yourself if my shoes if the situation were to be reversed. I was like you would be hurt and upset with me if I was going out with a group of guys and some girls downtown for dinner, when you wanted to go downtown that night already with me and I said I didn't want you to go. He didn't say anything to this which I know means that he would be hurt. But he knows that I would never do this to him, or if I was planning on going out with a group without him I would invite him to come if I saw that it hurt him this much. Or if he could not go as all the other girls didn't want him there I would choose to not go and spend the night with him. Because his feeling are more important to me than going to some co-workers party.

I am not upset about him spending time with friends, I am just hurt that in a situation where most people would want there g/f or b/f to go my b/f' doesn't want me to go. I was like are embarrassed of me or something because I am not into computers or do not drink so you think your friends won't like me. He was like no I am not embarrassed of you. He didn't say much except that he just wanted to do his own thing. But I just do not buy it because he is always saying how he likes spending time with me and his friends.

It just hurts so much because firstly he is not one to go to a lounge or club, he dislikes things like that, second of all he is not big on going downtown. I just do not understand why he would want me to go to the xmas party but not this thing. I am so upset that I am thinking of not going to the xmas party now, even though my b/f has already got the tickets for it. I just do not think I want to go to something important to him if he can do this to me. As it would be better for me to know atleast one other person besides my b/f before I go to the xmas party. The b-day thing this weekend would be the perfect situation for that. I just can't help but can all paranoid and think that he doesn't want people to know about me.

I just do not get why he wouldn't want me to go. This past sunday and monday he invited me to go out both nights with his best friend and his g/f. I went even though I dislike my bf/s best friends g/f because I knew it would make my b/f happy. We all ended up having a great time. I also spent friday and night sat with him as well. I can understand him wanting to spend time with his friends, it is just the fact that there are going to be other girls there and the place they are going that hurts me. I trust my b/f but I do not trust those girls. Plus it is just a situation where most ppl would invite their partner too so it just hurts my feelings.

I just do not know what to do. I feel like someone has stumped all over my heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 9:00am

"I just do not know what to do. I feel like someone has stumped all over my heart."

The reason you don't know what to do is becasue all you are doing is dwelling on your feelings and how hurt you are instead fo using your head na thinking the situation through.

First of all, it SEEMS like you pretty much bombard your guy all the time with every time your feelings are hurt and you're kind of overly sensitive right now. I understadn, you aren't feeling very secure in the relationship; but BEHAVING like an insecure mess and telling the guy every other day how he has wounded you to the core, yet again, is not going to help you become more secure and it is only going to push him further the way actually exacerbating your feelings of insecurity.

Answer: take a big fat chill pill.

Guys do not know how to deal with our over-emotive, over-analytical nature in the first place toss in a bunch of tears and going on and on about how wounded you are and how it's all his fault and you aren't goig to get very far with him. He's just going to shut down and shut up for fear of making matters worse.

You must face facts: guys are logical beings the don't empathize and fele their way through evry situation the way women do. They just don't and you arne't going to change that no matter how much you cry or carry on about your hurt feelings. All you'll do is get him to shut down and close himself off for fear of further damaging your feelings.

In other words, if you want to carry on a productive conversation about something you MUST stop blathering on and on about your feelings and start treating the subject as a business discussion.

For example, in your current situation instead of freaking out and immediately lecturing him on how he has, yet again, disappointed you, let you down, and "stomped all over your heart" you need to just ask him your question in a calm way and then ACCEPT his decision. By accepting his choice and not only thinking of yourself and your feelings, HE will feel accepted and loved for who he is and will continue to open and show you who he really is and feel more nad more comfortable sharign his entire life with you.

Now, here's why he didn't invite you. 1) Did you not notice it is ONLY work people going? He didn't say anything about anyone else inviting SOs. He specifically said "girls from WORK". He probably figures you should have picked up on the distinction becasue he did and that is a BIG part fot he reason he didn't invite you. 2) Anothe reason is because HELLO you just got through a patch of you picking him apart and crying alll over him over what he considers to be only minor indescretion on his part. You can't expect him to just forget about because you had a couple conversations (if that)about how you see that you were wrong about how you handled it. (If you haven't admitted it and talked to him about it you need to.) It's going to take time for him to trust that you aren't constantly looking for flaws in him any more. In other words, he might have been afraid he'd do something "wrong" and he was worreid about a scene in front of all his coworkers.

And, honestly, what you just did took you a couple of giant steps backward in that department. Even if you told him that you were sorry and that you were going to work on accepting the way he shows affection everything you just did contradicts that. Everything you just did says, "Nope, I'm still all about me and how I feel. I'm not concerned that you might have been uncomfortable being the only person with a dtae there. I'm not really interested in why you feel that way. What I'm interested in is making you understand my feelings and making you understadn how WRONG you are and how you need to change to please me."

Intentional or not, and I know it wasn't, that is the message he is recieving loud and clear. The only feelings you're interested in are your own and making sure he knows that he has to change and never ever hurt you again.

Well, guess what that's not going to happen. He is going to hurt you again. He's not going to do it on purpose, just like he didn't do this on purpose; but, I guarentee it's going to happen.

Guess, what you arne't perfect either. You're hurting him, whether he emotes about it incessently or not. Whether he knows how to express his hurt and frustration or not. And guess what you're going to do it again to. In spite, of your best intentions. In spite of how hard you try and how much you love him. You will hurt him and the longer the two of you are together the more times you'll hurt each other.

Love isn't about never ever hurting each other or never ever making a mistake or being scared or changing... Love is about being able to accept each other in spite of all of that. Love is about forgiveness and not dwelling on hurt and the past. Love is about building a future; and, in my honest opinion, you have a lot of work to do on yourself and your insecurities about the relationship before you'll be able to really focus on that future.

All of this stems from your fundamental fear of losing him. You are completely paranoid and over examine his every action, his every decision, and try to focus it on yourself and what it means to you adn what it could mean about your relationship out of your fear of losing him. If you don't stop you'll destroy the very thing you're trying so hard to hang on to.

You asked him about plans, he told you he already had plans to go to a work related B-day party. The decision wasn't about you or your relationship with him. His decsion was based on the fact it's a work thing and he wants to fit in with the people he works with so, even though the location may not be his cup of tea he's going. And he didn't invite you because it's people from work.

His choice was not about you or his feelings for you or the state of your relationship. It was made out of practicality and probably some peer pressure to fit in at work.

You making it all about you, just shows how insecure you really are about the relationship and his feelings for you. You need to understand something about love. Love can't pass a test. You can't measure it or quantify on some sort of "romance" meter. You can't put it through it's passes and see if he magicaly passes all these little daily tets. Love is a leap of faith. Either you have faith and you believ he loves you or you don't. It's a decsion only you can make. You have to choose to believe he loves you. You have to allow yourself to have faith in him and his love for you. He can't "prove" it to you. Love isn't a logic matrix or an equation you can just plug things into. All you really have to go on is your gut and whatever degree of trust you have in yourself to make good gut decsions.

Learning to trust yourself and trust your instincts is a total bear and taking the leap of faith that takes "love" to the real abiding kind is not for wusses. It's pretty freaking terrifying, at least it scared the bejesus out of me.

I'm really not trying to be a b!tch or get you down on yourself. I'm just trying to make you see how, without meaning to, you're allowing yourself to be self-destructive and destroy the very thing you hold dear.

Don't be hard on yourself. You've made mistakes. You looked to the wrong place for a solution (him nistead of you). It happens all the time to every single one of us. What matters, what makes you, what will strengthen your relationship. Is what you do now. Do you find the courage to look inside and say, "Hey, what a minute. I keep telling him to think about how I feel; but, I haven't really been thinking a lot about how he feels about all this. How sacred he might be. How hurt he might feel. How frustrated he might be over not being able to fix things. Why am I acting like this. This isn't me. I'm not a self-absorbed person. So what is driving me to act like a crazy person?" I already told you the answer you'll find if you're honest it's fear. And it isn't even fera caused by HIS actions. It's fear becasue of your baggage. Maybe not even based on your personal experiences, maybe it's seeing girlfriends get hurt, maybe it's watching your Mom berate your Dad about how unromantic he is. It could be a lot of things; but, you need to do some soul searching and figure it out or you'll never be able to make that leap.

It took me until I was 32 and had been through and abusive relationship to get it all straight and find the courage to really trust someone, really have faith in them, really have faith in myself, really believe I was loved nad cherished. I can tell you right now, the reason I didn't find the real deal earlier wans't becasue I wans't loved. I must definitely was. It's because I had no idea what the real thing looked like and I had no faith in it and I had no ability to accept a man for what he was.

Growing up emotionally is tough stuff. It's scary stuff. But if you want a love that will last you have to build it on a solid fondation and right now you're fondation is pretty shaky. You got dig deep and shoar up that fondation so you've got something safe to build on.

And one last thing, I'm not saying he doesn't have some work to do. Every single one of us does and just when we think we're done we find something else that can use some work. All that stuff I said about acceptance well you have to apply it to yourself to. You gotta cut yourself some slack too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 11:27am

Hi thanks for the advice.

Just so you know I didn't get all emotional and freak out when he told me. All I did was ask him why he did not want me to go and he had nothing to say. Except that he wanted to do his own thing. I then asked him to explain this to me as I did not get why he would not want me to meet these people and want to spend the night with him. To me it just does not make sense because I would invite him if the situation was reversed. Second of all I did not cry I talked to him calmly about it for a few mins then stoped and just remained quiet. Then a little while later I explained to him how I felt and asked for him to put himself in my shoes. It wasn't untill I got home that I got really upset. I see what you are saying about why he is doing this. But I just can't get the feeling out that there has to be some other reason than him just wanting to do his own thing. Because why else would he want to go to a club type place without me. When he says he won't dance or stay long, but I know that he will because everyone will be dancing and he will want to fit in. It just scares me because other girls from his work are going and I have seen pictures of them from previous work functions and they are all very pretty.

I just feel scared because due to how things have been going I do not feel secure in our relationship. So by him not wanting me to go with him makes me feel that he does not enjoy spending time with me and that he would not have fun if I went. I am just scared that then one of those girls may think that he does not have a g/f and may try something on him. As my b/f is a very attractive, nice, smart guy and any girl would love to have him. I know that he would never do anything as he is not that type of guy. I just can't help but have those ideas in my head for a sec. It is just the current state of our relationship, the place he is going, and his lack of reasoning behind why he doesn't want me to go that hurts me. I am just taking him not wanting me to go as a sign that I am not important to him and that he doesn't want me to get to know these people. I can't help but think that there is another reason for him not wanting me to go.

I know that he probably just wants to be with his work friends, but I just do not get when I have a feeling other guys will probably bring their g/f's. Plus I know that if it was his main group of friends outside of work that he would want me to go with him. So the fact that he doesn't want me to go with these people leads me to think that he doesn't want me there as there is something to hide. I guess another thing that makes me uncomfortable is that I have never met these people so I feel insecure and left out. As my b/f is going to a club type place that he normally would not go, and he is going with girls that I do not know. Even though he did say it would probably be mostly guys. I just can't help but feel like he just doesn't want me there because he feels like he would have more fun without me.

In response to your comment about him thinking I would make a scene infront of people. My b/f and I never discuss our personaly buisness when out in public or when with others. I would never ever get upset with him infront of other people. If he were to do something to upset me I would bring it up only when we were alone once we have left everyone or the particular thing we were doing. I would never be disrespectul to others around us by doing that. Second of all causing a big scene does not help the situation. When we get into a little spat, all it is he us sitting and talking. We never raise our vocies at each other or anything.

thanks again for the advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 12:01pm

Thanks for the advice. You are correct that I am acting this way out of my insecurity in this relationship. I feel that him not inviting me to go is a sign that I am not important to him and that he doesn't enjoy spending time with me. When I am sure all he wants is to go out and have fun with his work friends. The fact that I do not know these people scares me, because I do not know how these girls act around him, so how do I not know that they do not try to flirt with him. Second of all the place they are going is a place that most guys go to meet or flirt with girls. So the fact that he is going and does not want me to go scares me. I trust him and know that he would never ever do anything with another girl or ever let another girl try anything on him. I just can't help thinking and worrying that some girl might try something. I guess I feel threatned by the girls he works with because they have a common interest with him and that I do not have with him. Whereas, I know absolutely nothing about his job, and when I ask my b/f to explain things to me so I can get a better understanding of what he does, I find my that I get bored, or that he doesn't want to explain it to me as he knows that it is confusing if you do not have a background in it. Just like how the stuff that I take in school and my work is confusing to him.

The action of him not inviting me to this just comes at a awkward time in the relationship. Because I think that if I felt more secure with things it would not bother me so much him going out. My b/f hangs out with the guys all the time, and goes to this local bar to watch the games and have dinner with the guys. When he does this it does not bother me. I guess because I know everyone that he is with and have been to that bar so I know what goes on there. It is just the fact that this is a part of his life that I do not know, so it makes me feel in some way that he is trying to keep it private from me. I know that if he was trying to keep it private from me that he would not have invited me to the xmas party. But I guess I just think that the reason he still wants me to go to the xmas party is because he bought the tickets and asked me to go along time ago.

This is not the first time that something work related has come up and he has not invited me. His work has a soccer games once a week at lunch, so one week the company had a big BBQ and tournament after work. He talked about it for the whole week before as he was so excited about it. I asked him if he wanted my friend and I go and watch him play as he plays sports outside of work as well and always wanted and wants me to go. But that time he was like no I would like to just keep it a work thing. Plus it is right after I finish working so there is really no point for you to come. The only reason I wanted to go was to meet the people he works with, as he talks about them to me sometimes. So when he said no it hurt me but I let it go as it was just right after work and that it was only for a few hours.

I guess I just feel that there is a reason other than him just wanting to do his own thing for why he doesn't want me to attend the b-day party with him. I feel like he doesn't want me to go as he wants to go out and party with his co-workers and that I would just make it less easy for him as he would have to talk to me.

I know I am thinking incorrect here I just can't help but think there is another reason.

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