why do men disappear?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2011
why do men disappear?
25
Fri, 11-04-2011 - 2:56am
For the last month I have been talking to this guy. Things seemed to be moving along great then he just disappeared. We seen each other 5 times before it happened and the last time I met his friends and spent the day with him at his house riding horses. He has been really great and affectionate even in front of his friends. He acted like a gentleman Everytime I was around. Never pushed for sex even though I spent the night with him twice. When we went out he would pick me up and go anywhere I wanted and he always paid for everything and always making sure I was enjoying myself. He said he really enjoyed my company. I am 32 and he is 42. He has been divorced twice and we both have 3 kids.
We have known of each other for years but never talked. We ran into each other one night and he started talking to me. A week later I saw him again and he asked me out. I didn't expect to really start dating him but it just happened and he did everything right. The last time we were together he told me to keep in touch which he always said. But when I would text him that next week he seemed like he was busy so I left him alone and he never got back with me. I ran into him a few days later and he asked why he hasn't heard much from me and I told him that I didn't hear from him much either. We ended up spending that night together and he acted like he always did. Very affectionate, joking around, and just having fun.
I'm a little shy so I am sometimes really quite and reserved around guys I really like till I get to know them better. He said he knew that and was going to get me to open up and said he thought he was doing a good job at it. I told him he was and I enjoyed being around him a lot. That was a week ago and I haven't heard a thing from him. He did tell me both of his ex wives left him for another man. And I know he had a hard time getting over his last wife. They got divorced a year and a half ago. I've been told he hasn't dated anyone since her. Why would a guy just disappear when things seem to be going great? Was he really not that interested? I don't think he has been dating anyone else. Between his job and kids he rarely had time for me and had to go without sleep to see me most of the time but he always wanted to even though I would tell him he needed to sleep. He even told me I can come to his house whenever I wanted whether he was there or not and showed me where he kept his key. Is it possible for things to go too good that he got scared? Should I just give him some time or move on?

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 11-04-2011 - 11:22am

I am reading this book called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love."

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 11-04-2011 - 11:30am

My3hs79-

Hi. Getting cheated on and dumped by not just one, but two wives, is a lot to get over. It will definitely make a man very

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Fri, 11-04-2011 - 12:10pm

My first cynical reaction was, what is he doing that both exes cheated, but then I remembered that both of my SO's wives cheated on him, and for very different reasons.

So if you really like him, give it time and stay around and visible, sound like he may be very gun shy. My ex cheated on me, it difficult to learn that some people are wired to ratinalize cheating, and others could not go there under any circumstances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2011
Fri, 11-04-2011 - 12:24pm
@mhash he does want intimacy, he just doesn't push me for it. When I say no he stops with no problem. And says he respects me for that.
@TRENNER2 no there have been no agreements to be exclusive. Although I do think he tried to have that conversation but never actually came out and asked. Then the next time I tried bringing it up and all I got from him was that he let me around his kids and he never does that.
I wondered if he backed away due to the way he had been treated in his past relationships. My marriage ended a year ago cause my husband cheated on me with a friend who now has his baby but I don't hold that against all men. I haven't told him that yet cause like I said I don't open up very fast to others. Would that make him realize that I know what he want through if I told him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 11-04-2011 - 1:21pm

my3hs79 wrote:
....

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 11-05-2011 - 1:25am

The issue of being an Avoidant person is that even though we all want intimacy, it is our unconscious/Family-Of-Orgin (FOO) programming that creates such behavior, i.e. the rubber band effect. - get close then move away then move close again.. and so on.

So even though he says he wants intimacy, his behavior says otherwise.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 1:32am

Does that not depend on each person's defination of intimacy.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2011
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 10:03am
@TRENNER2 I know he says the first wife left him for another man, and I'm sure she did. But I used to work with her while they were married and I know they were unhappy together. While he may have been scared of being alone cause they were married for so long and had children, I don't think it affected him the way the second marriage did. From what I understand they were both unfaithful. He met his second wife soon after the divorce, got married, had a baby, and she left him after 7 months. She was also a lot younger than him, 20 years. So maybe he's not good at choosing a mate?
@mhash I'm not sure I'm understanding your explanations. I will try to find that book and read it. Hopefully it will help.

Also, I did run into him again Fri night. He was being slightly distant still. But he hadn't had any sleep and was about to go back to work. He was not rude in any way and told me to come sit with him but when I did he was very quite. He did agree to meet with me when he gets a chance so we can talk. Im hoping to get a better understanding of what's going on.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 11:18am

Bottom line is that notice the behavior and act accordingly.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 11:37am
Intimacy in my mind is more than sex. It is revealing what is going on emotionally. It is being open and honest. It is all those other things and more.

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