why do men disappear?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2011
why do men disappear?
25
Fri, 11-04-2011 - 2:56am
For the last month I have been talking to this guy. Things seemed to be moving along great then he just disappeared. We seen each other 5 times before it happened and the last time I met his friends and spent the day with him at his house riding horses. He has been really great and affectionate even in front of his friends. He acted like a gentleman Everytime I was around. Never pushed for sex even though I spent the night with him twice. When we went out he would pick me up and go anywhere I wanted and he always paid for everything and always making sure I was enjoying myself. He said he really enjoyed my company. I am 32 and he is 42. He has been divorced twice and we both have 3 kids.
We have known of each other for years but never talked. We ran into each other one night and he started talking to me. A week later I saw him again and he asked me out. I didn't expect to really start dating him but it just happened and he did everything right. The last time we were together he told me to keep in touch which he always said. But when I would text him that next week he seemed like he was busy so I left him alone and he never got back with me. I ran into him a few days later and he asked why he hasn't heard much from me and I told him that I didn't hear from him much either. We ended up spending that night together and he acted like he always did. Very affectionate, joking around, and just having fun.
I'm a little shy so I am sometimes really quite and reserved around guys I really like till I get to know them better. He said he knew that and was going to get me to open up and said he thought he was doing a good job at it. I told him he was and I enjoyed being around him a lot. That was a week ago and I haven't heard a thing from him. He did tell me both of his ex wives left him for another man. And I know he had a hard time getting over his last wife. They got divorced a year and a half ago. I've been told he hasn't dated anyone since her. Why would a guy just disappear when things seem to be going great? Was he really not that interested? I don't think he has been dating anyone else. Between his job and kids he rarely had time for me and had to go without sleep to see me most of the time but he always wanted to even though I would tell him he needed to sleep. He even told me I can come to his house whenever I wanted whether he was there or not and showed me where he kept his key. Is it possible for things to go too good that he got scared? Should I just give him some time or move on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2011
Thu, 11-17-2011 - 7:11pm
How can it be a booty call? I get more out of it than he does. Seriously he gets nothing and is still happy go lucky. I'm fine with being friends with him. I think I would even be ok with a FWB relationship if that's what it came to. He has already showed me more in the past 2 months than anyone I've ever went out with. Rode a motorcycle for the first time with him, rode horses for the first time with him, and got in a hot tub for the first time with him. So being around him is full of fun and new adventures for me. I don't want to give that up.
He did tell me the other night that he considers him self to be an a**hole who is arrogant and cocky. But at the same time said he always acts like a gentleman to me. Is he trying to warn me of this other side or is he trying to push me away. I have always thought he was arrogant before I ever talked to him...which is why I never talked to him. But now that I have seen how he is toward me I think he's a great guy....ugh like I said I have never been so confused over one guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 11-17-2011 - 9:38am

I think you nailed it when you said he wants you there when he is lonely. He's already said he doesn't want a relationship, sounds like he is looking for a booty call. Maybe he thiks that you are willing to accept a casual relationship, but if you want more and he is telling you that he doesn;t, you have to decide what is acceptable to you.

Its difficult, because you do have a good time with him, but don't hold out hope that he will be suddenly swept of his feet and want more. He is telling you what he wants, and I know it is not what you want to hear, but its really all your call now. Is this casual relationship enough for you?

Please keep us posted

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2011
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 8:42pm
So...I am still confused and would like some more advice. I have ran into the guy this post is about at least once a week and we talk everytime. Nothing big but he's nice to talk to and fun to be around. He always gives me a hug when leaving but I decided just to try and be friends with him.

Well two nights ago he invited me to his house. At first it was just hanging out as friends. He told me that because of the way his past marriages have been he is not looking for a "major relationship". I thought well that's fine at least I got my answer. But then we started to loosen up and ended up outside in his hot tub and he couldn't keep his hands off of me. Still no sex but came very close. He also told me that I'm welcome to his house anytime. I told him I wouldn't come unless I was invited and he said it was an open invitation to get in his hot tub whether he was there or not. He has already showed me where he hides his key and told me I'm welcome to anything. I stayed the night with him again and he made the comment that it was the fourth time that I have stayed and he liked it cause he sleeps better with me there. When I left the next morning he told me to come back soon.

I have not heard from him since then. Why are men so confusing? I assume he's not interested since he did come out and say he didn't want a relationship. Could he be confused by what he wants or does he just want me there when he's lonely? I still don't think he is talking to anyone else. I have never had this much confusion over one guy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Fri, 11-11-2011 - 11:14am

I know how you feel about meeitng and connecting with someone new.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2011
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 3:53pm
My problem is the meeting. I'm not afraid of intimacy nor am I assuming its all about sex. I've never been one to go on blind dates or being set up with someone I don't know. its just a fear I have of meeting people. I guess its more that I'm scared of what the other person will think of me face to face. I would just rather having met someone beforehand and then go out if that's the case. I think it has to do with my shyness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 3:27pm

Are you afraid of intimacy in general or just assuming that all guys who do OLD are just after quickie sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2011
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 5:57pm
Actually he's not the first guy I've been involved with since my divorce. I just haven't found anyone that I connected with since my divorce and just assumed that meant I wasn't ready to date yet.
Also I have considered on line dating but I have a fear of actually meeting someone with intentions of intimate relationships. Not that I'm scared for my life, its more of an anxiety problem. I don't think I could do it. Just thinking about it makes my stomach start flipping...lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 3:00pm
  1. I was in your place not too long ago - the first man I got involved with after the divorce
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2011
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 12:34pm
I have kids and school and work to focus on. I keep myself busy which is why dating him in the first place was unexpected to me. Plus I really didn't expect to like him as much as I did and get so worked up over it. I honestly thought I wasn't ready to date after my divorce but I think he proved that I may be ready. I think I'll just focus on my life. But I do appreciate everyone's response.
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 10:52am

I am with Mark on this.

dragowoman

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