Why do men just disappear?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Why do men just disappear?
16
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 6:03pm

Over the last 5 months, I have dated 3 different guys. In each case, they initially pursued me and asked me out. I admit, I was a bit reserved at first, as I'm shy upfront, but warm up pretty quickly. In each case we went out on about 3 or 4 really great dates. They kept telling me how wonderful they thought I was, and when could they see me next. Then in each case, these guys disappeared. No phone call, no email, no explanations.

Can you please tell me what I could be doing wrong here? Or did I just run into 3 guys with "issues"? And where did common courtesy go, or is the new way of dumping people these days?

Thanks so much....

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 9:15pm

It's hard to say what you might be doing "wrong", since you don't say anything about how you behave or what you talk about on your dates.

But the bottom line is, no matter what you're doing, if the guy disappears, he's not right for you. A guy who's right for you is going to be ok with who and how you are.

Of course, if you are spending the entire evening talking about your miserable ex, then there are going to be fewer guys out there who are right for you ;-). But assuming you're not doing something like that, I think these guys just decided you weren't a good match for them, for whatever reason.

As for letting you know, different people have different approaches. Some people believe that disappearing after just a handful of dates is fine. I personally think that if you've gone out with someone more than twice, then you owe them at least an email saying you don't think the two of you are a good fit. But of course you can't force someone to behave the way YOU want them to ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 8:14am

This topic has gotten a lot of threads up here over the years. Sheri summed it up nicely. Many people feel it's OK to simply drop contact after three or four dates if they don't feel it's right. I've done that once myself with someone I met through the internet. Three dates, then dropped all contact. Of course this is someone who was freely emailing me as well previously and she did not try to initiate further contact either. So I have a feeling it was mutual.

I had someone call me up after one date to let me know it wasn't a good match. I appreciated the honesty so that I no longer wasted energy in that direction. It did sting though.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:40pm

Clearly in each of the cases, their parole officers caught up with these guys, probably due to having been spotted in public with you, and these guys are back where they rightfully belong. You are to be congratulated for doing your civic duty!

As a guy, I agree w/ the other posters - a guy who digs a girl doesn't evaporate (unless he beams up to his home planet). Whatever their reasons, it wasn't quite right, who knows why? At least the dates have been fun so that's a good thing...don't overanalyze what happened.

Just realize that guys are lousy at the dismount when it comes to deciding they don't want to date anymore. It's real possible they were being all sweet w/ the hopes of getting some action, sounds like you held out. Good move. Even if they got action, they may have evap'd anyway after a time or two, on to the next.

Really, some of us guys are actually okay. It's like a garden - every garden has the weeds that grow along with the good things, you just pull out the weeds and eat the rest...or something like that!

David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
The Guy's Guide to Getting a Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 4:37pm
i also think it's ok to drop contact after 3 or 4 dates. However the OP stated that these dates went wonderfully with the guys telling her how wonderful she is. WHY would the guys act like they were so interested and be so complimentary if they are just going to not call. Why be so fickle. I dont tell someoen they are wonderful/great unless i know that i want to spend quite a bit of time with them. If after 3 or 4 dates the conversation wasnt flowing, chemistry wasnt reall there, i think people know or expect that they might not get a phone call...but not if things SEEM good they dont.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 4:52pm

Oh, on the contrary, I always assume that each time I hear from or see a guy early on in the dating process is going to be the last, no matter how well things go or what he says. If he calls again, great, but assuming that he's not going to (until he's *shown* me through his actions that he's reliable over the course of a lot more than 3-4 dates!) works better for me...less disappointment that way.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 5:02pm

David,
Sometimes you crack me up. I love the whole eavp'd analagy.

There is an old episode of Friends where Chandler dates Rachels boss. He considers her "A big, dull dud." But he tells her "See you later. I had a great time. I'll give you a call." When Rachel asks him why he did that when he never intended to call he says "That's what you say to girls."

Maybe you should think that you dated a couple of Chandlers instead of thinking there is something you are doing wrong.
When I dated I just looked at them as practice (same with job interviews). I was getting practice until the right guy (or job) came along.
Some guys are just dorks. So are women. I broke up with a guy I dated by e-mail because he was sort of scary and I didn't want the verbal confrontation. True to his nature he sent me some really angry, scary emails for a while. So there are all kinds out there.
Have fun practicing!



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 5:43pm
i m married but have several single gal and guy pals and they tell me that it is OK not to call. but what i wonder is as a society of young women have we become to available? here is my cell #, ny home #, my work #, my email, and of course my myspace account. what ever happened to mystery and wondering. what ever happened to discretion about your personal life until you really know somewone. and what is with all the clingy people. just becuase u go on a couple dates doesnt mean that you will spend your life with this person. no offense meant towards you just venting about life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:55pm

"what ever happened to mystery and wondering."

You want mystery in dating? Read the never ending string of posts generally titled "why didn't he call?" :-)

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 11:51pm
I think it is part of the general decline in courtesy and manners. Why spend the energy to tell someone you don't want to see them again? They don't want to see you again. You're not worth any more of their time. Sad but that is the way society is evolving lately.
Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 9:18am
LOL David!


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