Why is he contacting me? (He ended it!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Why is he contacting me? (He ended it!)
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 2:07pm

I started dating a guy over the summer. For two months, things went great - we had fun together, great chemistry, and loved each other's company, etc. Two months in, I had the suspicion that he was dating someone else. I was confused because things seemed getting serious - he treated me like a girlfriend (hanging out a few times a week, planning trips, talking about things we'd do together months in the future, introducing me to his friends, telling me how excited he was to be with me because we were such a good match, etc.) So, one night I started the 'seeing other people conversation.'

I told him that I liked the way things were (I wasn't looking to speed things up) but that I wasn't comfortable with him seeing other people. He told me that yes, he was dating one other girl but that it was not even close to serious (they only saw each other once every few months). He also told me that he was very cautious about getting serious - his college ex and him had dated for 7 years and been been engaged before they ended it a year and a half ago (apparently the breakup was mutual - they just outgrew each other). He said he really liked me, that he wanted to be with me, but that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship. With nowhere else to go with the conversation, I left.

After a week of not talking, he emailed me to say that he really liked me but just wasn't ready for 'seriousness'. He didn't want to hurt himself or me. I sent a polite response 'thanks for being honest - I'm glad to know now' and that was that... or so I thought.

Less than a week later he emailed me to congratulate me on a promotion that I posted about on FB. I emailed back a short 'thanks. hope you're well.' Then he emailed again. And again. Since then, we've started a daily email chain that's gone back and forth for the past 3 weeks. Some are long; some are short; some are mildly flirty; some simple. Over the past week, we started texting too.

During this time, I've been very careful to follow his lead. If he emails something short, so I do I. If he waits a day or so to respond, I wait too. My goal has been to be friendly but not overly pushy; to let him feel like he's in charge and that 'the game' is his to control. I've gone along with this because I like him and my gut says that he's still interested. (After all, we both liked each other when we stopped dating - it was just a bad timing thing). I know I can't wait around (I've started going on dates - he doesn't know) but I would really like to be with him again.

So I'd love some feedback: What does he want? Is this the 'friend zone' (do guys even have a 'friend zone'?) Am I wasting my time emailing him or wasting my energy thinking about what his emails mean? How long can this keep going without a change...?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 2:34pm

What he wants is somewhere in between "not talking at all" and "serious relationship". Maybe he doesn't even know.

Who gives a rat's arse about what he wants? He blew you off because he wants to date multiple people, and you aren't comfortable with that. End of story, right? Stop following his lead and find someone who likes you enough to date only you.

"How long can this keep going without a change...?"
As long as you're willing to accept it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 3:09pm

He may like you but he's not willing to give up seeing someone else, and doesn't want a serious relationship with you. He's already told you that. Maybe he just wants to be in contact with you in case the other one dumps him, he has someone to fall back on.

How long will he do this? For as long as you allow it to go on.

Seriously, if you want more than what he's willing to give you, then just tell him nicely to stop contacting you, that you've moved on and wish him well.

28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 4:18pm

He is hoping he can have sex with you anyway of course.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:55am
He wants things back how they were: casual with no plans for any type of future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:04pm

Why are you getting so twisted up over a guy you went out with for two months?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 9:41am

Thanks so much for the feedback, everyone. It's much appreciated. I guess I've always had a hard time not getting myself really wrapped up with the guy I'm dating and the older I get the more I'm seeing that this doesn't work in my favor -- not for my sanity and not for the success of the relationships.

Regarding why I wasn't seeing other people - I guess the opportunity never came up. I wasn't dating someone when we started seeing each other, and since I liked him and things were going so well, I didn't go out of my way to pursue/be pursued by other guys. In retrospect that may not have been the smartest thing, but at the time it made perfect sense (we both liked each other, he was talking about us being together, introducing me to his friends... why go out of my way to find someone else?) Lesson learned.

Regarding the 'seriousness' - I honestly wasn't trying to up the ante (though I guess some would argue that you can't have a conversation like that without upping the ante). I was comfortable with the pace, the amount of time we spent together, our everyday interactions, and the way things were progressing. I wasn't looking to call him my 'boyfriend', have big talks about the future, leave my stuff at his place, or whatever else makes a relationship 'serious'. I just became uncomfortable with the idea of him being with other people and I thought it best to be honest. Exclusivity without seriousness - I'm not sure you can have it both ways, and I'm pretty sure he didn't think so.

Anyway, time to move on, go on more dates, and stop wasting my energy on a guy that doesn't want to give me enough of his. Again, thanks for the feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Wed, 10-06-2010 - 9:19am

I just wanted to add one thing. Everyone has comfort levels in their dating habits. I'm exactly like you. When I started dating a man, I liked to focus on him. I had extreme discomfort and got too nervous if I tried to date more than one man at a time. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I, too, liked to date exclusively without being serious or have expectations for the future. I just like to explore this relationship to see if we were compatible without outside interference. During my 2 and a half years of dating, most of the time the relationship didn't work out, and that was okay. We found out we weren't right for each other. My present boyfriend of one year and 2 months were on the same page when we met. After the 2nd date, we wanted to date exclusively to find out if we were a good match.

So my point is that there are men out there who may have the same feelings about dating like you. They may like to focus on just you to see how things will work out.I always chose to date men who matched me in my dating goals. I don't think that dating more than one person at a time is right for everyone. I think you should go with what you're comfortable with. In my mind, if it didn't work out, at least you both gave it your best shot without outside interference. Basically, this man doesn't presently have the same life goals as you. No matter how much you enjoyed his company, you two are not on the same page and you are right to break all communication with him. Good luck on finding "the one."