Why Is He Like This? (m)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Why Is He Like This? (m)
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 6:03pm
I'm a 20 yr old who transferred to a new college in the

fall. I became good friends w/ one of the guys upstairs.

He introduced me to his other roommates. As soon as I saw

his roommate (we'll call him Tim, hes now 21), I thought he

was the most attractive guy I've ever seen. Long story short:

we all became friends VERY quickly and during one night after

a few drinks, Tim came out and told everyone how much he liked

me. He & would hang out basically every single day and he

invited me out w/ him the following weekend to a party & that's

when we were were completely attached at the hip. Everyone

thought we were dating. We had 2 nights a few wks apart where

we ended up kissing and falling asleep together (no sex).

Things were going fabulous & as soon as things seemed to not

be able to be better, he started getting weird... pulling back,

acting a lil diff. around me, becoming different. That made me

pull back. During all this time I'd also become close friends w/

his other roommate & there was some sort of chemistry there but

I wasn't looking to act on it b/c Tim was who I'd been hanging

out w/. One week Tim just seemed real diff. & when he got around

other girls (that he's been friends w/ for a few yrs) he got

obnoxious around me.. I didn't understand what was going on

and I dec. after a week of him being distant, I was done w/ it.

My ex bf had been like that before we started dating & it was b/c

he was scared of being close to ppl and I didn't want to be w/

someone that couldn't handle being close to someone; I knew how

hard it was to be w/ someone like that. One night after many drinks,

his roommate and I ended up making out and Tim saw. He freaked out.

And that was our mistake.. we waited til that happ. to talk about

him and I. He chose THEN to tell me how much he liked me & how he

thought I did that just to make him jealous & how he wasn't hanging

out w/ other girls .. I chose then to ask why he'd been so diff.

lately. We had a huge argument that I won't get into.. but it didn't

go well. We all have the same friends & live in the same building so

we had to keep seeing e/o & we weren't able to be around e/o esp. if

it was a bar night.. anytime drinks were involved we'd always argue

w/ e/o - always started by him. We were civil but not really friends

for the next few mos. We had a month off for Christmas break & just

before that we started becoming friends again. When we came back from

that break it was like we were 2 new ppl. I thought the niceness and

getting along w/ e/o would end after a week but it's STILL like that.

I am SO pleased that we are able to be such good friends again. I don't

know if I've chgd but he def has. He's SO nice, so friendly, anytime I

need help w/ things, he's the first one to offer to help me, sometimes

he's a lil shy w/ conv. if it's just he and I but once I start talking

he's all smiles & will talk for a long time. Everything is good. I've

been under the impression that we are good being friends.. his roomie

& I've become very close too & I felt like Tim & I realized we're just

better off as friends.

However, I've noticed that anytime Tim's roommate is around me, Tim

doesn't like it. He'll make faces @ him.. if he goes to hug me or

something Tim will just stare at him or say something like "what are

you doing" The other day we all went to a bar again & I don't know

what the deal was but we were attached at the hip again. Not holding

hands and/or kissing at all.. but just running off by ourselves to

go do our own thing and hang out by ourselves and just kept hugging/

holding each other. If things at all start to "heat up" and we think

we'll kiss again, he usually pulls back. I know our friensd have

noticed this chg. too w/ he and I.

My question is why is he acting like this? More specifically, if

we're just friends & stuff, and supposedly doesn't care about any

time I spend (or have spent) w/ his roommate, why does he get so

obviously agitated around his roommate and I? I guess this would

make more sense to me if we had actually dated, but we didn't. And

HE was the one who chgd things bad when they were good b/w he and I.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 11:36am
I'd feel the same way if my roomate tried to drink my Kool-Aid. The guy likes you and perhaps wants to build something with you by establishing the friendship part of your relationship first. Just because that's what he is doing first doesn't mean that's where he wants it to end. So here he is building a friendship, wanting to spend time with you with hopes that things will grow into something more special, and in steps his roomate getting all huggy and physical with you. Not cool. I'm sure his roommate knows he thinks you are extremely special to him. The nightmare in his mind played out is he and his roomate are talking and he says, "I really think so-and-so is great and I want to see if she wants to get more serious", and his roomate responds, "Dude...she is so good in bed...hope you don't mind that we shagged." This is from his standpoint.

Now from your standpoint, you do what you want to do with whomever you want to do it with. You are not responsible for his feelings, and if you are the huggy type and he gets all bent out of shape because you give someone a hug...he's got hangups that you do not deserve to have pressed on you. I have female friends who I hug and give kisses on the cheek to and my wife has absolutely no problem with. I am not here to live my life by someone elses rules. Just be yourself and openly communicate, and if he wants you all to himself, he needs to let you know that...otherwise, tell him to cool the attitude.