Why is he making this complicated?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Why is he making this complicated?
12
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 8:02pm

I met a nice guy at a party months ago and we really hit it off . We met up gain at the park and I could tell we were both having fun. After a few weeks I could tell he was really into me and I felt like I was falling for my best friend. He never asked for sex or even insinuated it. He seemed happy just kissing me and I was too. I spent the night one night (no sex) and the next morning he asked me to be his girlfriend and even though I knew he was going into the army soon I said yes. Another few weeks went by and it was going great. One day he called and said his family would be on vacation the next week so he would have the house to himself so he invited me to sleepover. He didn't mention sex but I was ready. We were supposed to have a date before hand and we planned this a week ahead of time but the day of, he said he had to cancel because he was hanging out with a friend. He doesn't answer his phone for a week and denies my request on Facebook that I was in a relationship with him, He never showed any signs of disinterest or gave me any reason to thing he didn't like me anymore. I finally get a hold of him and he asks me to hangout at his place. We got into a make out session like usual and move into the bedroom. After a few minutes he pushes me away and says he has to finish some chores, and tells me to leave. As I'm leaving I ask him what I am to him and he says were just friends even though we both met each others parents and friends, had a sleepover, make out all the time and invited me to one of his family bar-b-ques. And leans in to kiss me but I walk away and leave. I get rid of all traces of him in my life. He calls me 2 months later and asks to hangout. I give him one more chance and are currently doing so. He still pushes me away when we get into it and tells me to leave even though he says he wants it. Where not in a official relationship so I don't know what we are, I have no idea what he's thinking and he wont say anything about how he feels but just like before he seems excited to hangout with me and is willing to come over to my place even though he doesn't have a car. He puts the effort in and respects me but he wont commit or tell me anything. What the heck is going on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 9:33pm

When is he going into the Army?  Do you think it might be that he doesn't want to get tied down with someone if he is going to leave?  Frankly I don't know many guys who turn down the opportunity for sex with a willing woman, but since he has said soem disrespectful things to you and won't say you're in any kind of relationship, I'd just start treating him as a casual friend, if you want to bother with him at all.  I don't think I'd bother with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 5:39pm

>> Where not in a official relationship so I don't know what we are, <<

It sounds like you're friends with kissing and snuggle benefits.     Oh, and for some people, meeting the parents has no significance.  I recall one poster with grown up boys saying that her home was like a revolving door with all the girls they'd bring home.    Same for my hubby and me - both of us brought pretty much anyone to family things.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 6:47am

Well, I'd say he either doesn't know what he wants OR he does know and it's NOT a relationship with you. There are so many possible causes for something like that, there's no way I can list them all here. Off the top of my head, I'd say that maybe he's seeing other people too. Or maybe he has some serious mental problems (which would explain his VERY odd behavior). Or maybe he avoids getting sexual with you because of severe anxiety performance. Or ... I don't even know what else to add, but I'm sure there are so many possible explanations for his behavior that the only way you can find out is if you manage to get him to honestly talk about it. Which might be more effort than it's worth.

All in all, if what you want from him is a relationship, and he's obviously not giving you that, you can either walk away and cut him off completely, or take a long break, let him do the army thing, and then, when and if he ever becomes available again, give him another chance...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 11:23pm

Sounds like he is not that worth even being your boyfriend. He is NOT a real man at all. Move on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 8:53am

Yep, I think Babylosik nailed it - it has something to do with sexual performance since he clearly is avoiding that. Could be anxiety that effects it from working on cue, it could be that he hasn't done it or done it much and is too nervous, could be religous reasons although seems like the religious part would be mentioned already. Whatever the issue, he clearly does not want to deal with it.

In all cases, the one thing you've learned from him is that he doesn't have things together and pulls you in long enough to push you away. How long do you want to put up with that? Hopefully not long. He's leaving anyway, I would highly recommend that you not frustrate yourself anymore and move on to someone more stable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 2:55am

If he's going into the army,  chances are that both of you are of late teen age. If that is the case, it could very well be that he is a virgin and has some anxiety issues when it comes to the next level. I am going to take a wild guess and say that you have already had at least one partner since the whole act seems routine to you and you are confident enough to initiate progression to the next stage. At the same time, it comes off as extremely intimidating to him which only compounds the problem for him if he is indeed inexperienced. Think back to the anxiety you had with your first partner, this is what is probably causing him to abruptly push away. Don't be too intimidating and aggressive and go slowly.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 4:07am

For those of us who went into sex like a bull at a gate (me), it could be hard to understand those who are nervous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 2:52pm

Aside from the previously mentioned hypothesis, maybe he just has commitment issues since he will be going into the army and will be away for an extended period of time. It seems that he is a nice guy and would genuinely like to keep you as a friend knowing full well that should you progress into a serious relationship and it does not work out, he would eventually loose you in both the relationship and friend category. Seems that he is a good friend who goes out of his way to be with you but has some personal issues to work out before deciding to progress in the relationship.