Why so easy for some & not others?
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| Mon, 06-12-2006 - 12:15pm |
One of the other posts got me thinking again about something I wonder about a lot....truly one of the things I ponder most about life is why it seems so easy for some people to find that "right" person and so hard for others? I used to think you found that person when you were "ready"...ie when you had gone through enough to sufficiently matured/developed to have a lasting, healthy relationship. So I always hoped, when I was "ready" he would come (kind of like "Field of Dreams" I guess). But I have gone through a lot of growing experiences to become the emotionally healthy & self-sufficient person I am today and have been "ready" for years--and "he" has still not arrived.
Don't get me wrong--I don't need a man to be happy, but at the same time I have always known having a family and a husband is something I want to experience in life--and I think everyone would agree having a loving spouse certainly can add another layer of happiness to life that you can't find alone (kind of like icing on the cake I guess). So here I sit as "ready" as I think I'll ever be, and yet, in five years, I haven't met anyone even close to being the one--and no, I'm not one of those people who whines "I can't meet anyone" yet refuses to be proactive--I've done internet dating, blind dates, etc. Nor do I have unrealistic standards--I simply want a kind,decent man whose company I enjoy.
I'll admit its getting frustarating to watch day after day, people who seem lucky enough to have thier "mr./mrs. right" just drop in their lap without having to go through the torture or chore of blind dating, internet dating, etc. People who fully acknowledge they admire my strength b/c they are strong enough to be alone, but yet, somehow seem to have luckily found what I would, as an impartial observer, say is a great match for them.
So in a nutshell my whole "you'll find it when you're ready" theory has been blown to bits. I hate to sound bitter, but the truth is...I am a bit discouraged...it seems I'm doing all the "right" things and have not found someone, yet everyone around me who doesn't seem to be doing the "right" things effortlessly find great matches. Luckily after reading these boards, I know I'm not completely alone in this. But I wonder--so what's the deal? Why don't we get our hapy endings? Is it truly just that life's unfair and that's the way the ball bounces? I hate to think that way, but at this point that's the only answer I have. Anyone else have an answer as to why its so easy for some and so hard for others?

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Still looking, huh, Riskit? LOL.
Well, the whole "when you're ready" thing doesn't realy make it so you FIND someone.....rather, it makes it so when you do it is the RIGHT person. The more you know about what you want, the better chance you have of finding a long happy relationship, not just a relationship.
It honestly took be a good 8 years after I was "ready". Yeah, it was frustrating at times, but I always remained true to myself, turned down a couple of potential relationships because I knew in my heart they weren't right, and ended up happier for it. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I look back on the long slow path that lead me to meeting my DW, and how many different ways and different places I could have ended up, and never even met her. I'm a big believer in fate/chance, don't think there is only one person for everyone and don't think our paths are predetermined.
But I wonder why it is so easy for some too? An example- my best friend since 14 yo met her husband of 18 years while babysitting his roomates child. No blind dating, no having to be "out there". It literally just fell in her lap. They seem to have a great marriage, great jobs, great house, great cars, great kids. She even says she worries because life has been so easy that she doesen't know if she would be able to handle a real crisis if it came up.
I on the other hand waited to get married til I was 31. Did premarital counseling, dated for two years, thought I had asked all the right questions and ended up divorced from a passive aggressive sociopath. This is after years of dating, self evaluation, therapy and coming to terms with "issues" and really feeling that I had gotten to know myself.
My partner now was a friend of my nephew and became a roomate when I needed money and we just meshed so well. But I would think too bad he's not 10 or 15 years older and that was it. He finally persued me.
I really don't know why it's easy for some, like my best friend, and harder for others. It just is one of those random acts of the universe. I know I got soooooo tired of people wondering why such a nice lady hadn't found "the one" yet and friends always inviting the token single male to whatever they invited me too. After my divorce I was willing to be alone the rest of my life and six months later ended up with my partner and now have a beautiful 2 yo daughter. I wasn't proactive at all and it happened. So I just don't "get it" either.
hope this doesnt sound harsh cuz I didnt mean for it to. Good luck
One theory of the universe is that it is all planned. Not all the actions. Not every nuance and drop of water. But the big "random" things. Such as accidents and who you are born to and what you are born with. God given talents, as such. Just think of your life as one big learning experience. You can't get to the next challenge, until you learn the lessons presented before you. Perhaps you botch them up and are given another chance. Perhaps you die and everything gets reset so you can try again. Either way, the options presented to you are based on what you need to learn what you need to learn. Not to make you happy. Just so that you can learn the few life lessons you were put here to learn. So there is something to be learned by that person in Africa who lives in a war zone and nothing ever goes right in her life. Maybe she is just learning that she can survive anything. Your lesson may be more complex. Perhaps you are just learning paitience, or learning not to give up no matter how many times you fail at something.
It's hard not to get discouraged when you try long and hard at something and still don't achieve what you wanted to. I think we've all been there on some level, even that person who seems to get everything she wants in her life. Her lessons may just be more subtle than she realizes.
My answer isn't the only answer or the best answer. However it is another way of looking at life that helps me to feel more at peace with the world I see around me.
Brokk...
*Oh you miss understood my message, i have no confidence cuz i am still overweight from the baby. i am married but my husband isnt exactly affectionate while I am still overweight. I have managed to get to a size 9 but I still have a ways to go. Thanks for sharing ur confidence though. wouldnt it be nice if it was that easy!*
You are a size 9 and "overweight" when the average in America is a size 12?
Your husband isn't "exactly affectionate" while you are still "overweight?"
You carried and gave birth to THIS mans child. He should be kissing every stretch mark, dimple and luscious inch of you for what you have done. If he is not he is incredibly shallow. Whats he going to give you for your fortieth birthday? Liposuction and a face lift or just trade you in for a new model?
What is your goal size a 3? A zero?
You are a mother. You have carried a child. Your hips, breasts and body are never going to be a maidens body again. You need to learn to LOVE your Mama Body. It gave you your beautiful child. It carried it. Nourished it. Stretched for it. Made blood and fluids and hair, teeth and bones for your child. If your husband cannot appreciate that sacrifice and AWESOME power he does not deserve you or the child you gave him.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I am so tired of hearing about alleged "men" who cannot look beyond their own superficial desires to create true intimacy with their wives who went through nine plus months of having their bodies and souls forever changed to give them children. Because they expect the woman in their life to live up with some media based ideal that is really based on a charicatchure of what REAL women are.
Tell your husband he needs to grow up and be a partner.
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