wonderin if some male feedback will help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
wonderin if some male feedback will help
28
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 7:30pm
I have a few vague question but hopefully without giving details, I can get some answers.

Why do men cheat??

And if a man cheats only 5 months into his current marriage with someone he used to be involved with, could he truly be torn between the woman he's married to and the woman he left originally for his wife?

I am so confused

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 8:44pm
Title: Details tend to be very important....


...so these answers will probably be of no use to you.


"Why do men cheat??"

The reasons are as varied as cheaters...both male and female. BTW...there is an entire board on this website devoted to WOMEN who are having affairs...

Without more details about you / him / your marriage, etc...who could say why. You could ask though.

One clue however might be...

"And if a man cheats only 5 months into his current marriage with someone he used to be involved with, could he truly be torn between the woman he's married to and the woman he left originally for his wife?"

...that if he cheated on HER with YOU, then what made you think he wasn't going to cheat on YOU with HER (or anyone else for that matter?). It has been said...more than once...that cheaters never change, because the problem is simply that they are lacking the morale fiber to understand that cheating is wrong. That they are fundamentally selfish people. I am not totally sure about that, but I have to admit it does make sense to me.

To the degree that it helps...and it might...I can tell you that the reason I "cheated" on my ex GF with my current wife was because I never stopped loving the woman I am now married to. We went our separate ways, and before I had a chance to deal with that relationship and the associated closure, I was in a new relationship, one that was at its core unsatisfying (though at times fun). The new GF, for all of her positive qualities (and she did have some) wasn't someone I was meant to be with. It would have never worked long term, and because she was (IMHO) often unkind and thoughtless in her behavior, it was easy to cheat. I had never cheated before...not when dating in college, not during my previous marriage. I had never cheated while in a monogamous relationship. But when this person did hurtful things to me, it was quite easy to justify "punishing" her by cheating. She simply wasn't giving me what I needed, and I knew where I could get it.

Now that isn't really an excuse. Nor is it the best of comparisons...unlike the case with most cheaters, both of the women in my life knew of the other. And, unlike most cheaters, I actually made efforts at various times (though if someone were to debate the sincerity, well, bull for them) to end both relationships. My analysis is that one woman knew were supposed to be together, despite all the circumstances that conspired to drive us apart, while the other simply didn't like to lose (most recently when it was discussed she claimed in hindsight to not even love me...though at the time she said I was the "love of her life").

All this to say that despite my opening salvo, I have sorta been in the situation that you are describing. I ended a relationship with one woman, and in very short order, was in a relationship with another (no, for the record, I didn't end one to be with the other - in fact I had never met or spoken to the 2nd woman until after my now wife left town), but yet, still had a relationship with the first. I was terribly torn and miserable...I hated what I was putting them both through, and I hated myself for doing it. As I mentioned, several times I asked each of them to simply let me go...neither did (my now wife maintains that I enjoyed the "cat fighting" between them that they were doing over me...I swear I didn't, but I am not surprised she thinks that...I suspect most women in such a situation would). More than once "the 2nd woman" tried to get me to marry her, I suppose to "seal" the deal between us and end the back and forth. It was all very, very messy.

Could your husband be torn? He could be...again, details matter. How soon was your relationship started after the previous relationship ended...or did you even wait for the previous relationship to end? How long did you date before you got married? Did you marry him quickly to try to "seal the deal" (only you know the honest truth)? In summary, did either of you REALLY take the time and effort to make sure the previous relationship was over and all repercussions and lingering effects past before becoming serious in your new relationship?

Again, only you know the honest answers to these questions.

Bottom line...cheating after marriage is bad (IMHO...if you have taken marriage vows, then disregard them...it is REALLY serious...because part of the purpose of the ceremony is to drive home the point that you previous life is over and you are now pledged to ONE PERSON...a person who you are dating that cheats is a cheater, but they never made a lifetime commitment anyway...they just failed to dump you first because they were / are weak...but a married person who cheats does so fully aware of the promises they made). Cheating 5 months into a marriage is REALLY bad...a bad, bad sign. And cheating 5 months into a marriage with someone from your recent past is...well...worse than bad, bad.

I would end the marriage now if I were in your circumstance. Nothing my spouse could tell me would justify their behavior. Clearly they don't value the marriage...torn or not.


All IMHO....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 9:01am
Equally unhelpful response here.

Cheaters cheat, because they can. At some point, they want to have sex with this person, and nothing inside them stops them. At that point, they see nothing wrong with their actions and don't really think about or value what it may do to their SO. Perhaps they even believe their SO will never find out. When it comes right down to it, they put more value in the pleasure they are about to have, than the risks of the consequences.

For what little detail you did give us... I agree with GoGo. It's a very bad sign.

Brokk...

Avatar for mamma2my3sons
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 9:21am
wow! need a "surprise" icon.Your story with GG as you've been unfolding it would make an interesting miniseries! catfighting, cheating, torn between 2 lovers. mystery, intrigue. Yowser!

Barbara ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 10:11am
Although I haven't given much detail, from the couple of responses posted, I'm beginning to think that it isn't possible that a man who cheats with someone from his past couldn't possibly be torn. I suppose I really wanted to believe that he truly is torn......that I was more than just a roll in the hay and that he truly is second guessing his decision of marrying his now wife.

We are not teenagers here. I am in my 30's and he in his early 40's.

Could it be even at his age, he is just playing with my emotions. I will tell you this however. We have only been intimate once and after it occured, we spoke a few days later as both of us could not stop thinking about what happened and why. WE both agreed that it should not and could not happen again as it would only hurt all of us in the end. He says he even now questions why he married her if he's done what he has with me but says that these are "his issues" and he has to stop thinking of himself and can not discuss his relationship or lack there of with his wife as he is afraid it will give me some sense of hope when he says he is not even sure what the future holds. It has also left me questioning everything!! I'm wondering if he truly is torn, is he playing me, is he confused as to what he wants?? THis is tearing me up inside. I do love him and wish with all of me to have him back in my life. NOT like this though. I have shed enough tears........I just need some answers. I love him and I honestly don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to have bottered you folks with this but I just needed some answers from people who have either experienced it or know of people who have.

Thanks for your responses.

P.S. Is there anyway of responding to a reply but only to that person privately??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 10:28am
Glad you learned what happens when you play with fire. Hopefully it will motivate you not to repeat it, since it doesn't seem like the fact that he is married will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 11:10am
You can e-mail them at their ivillage account, but I'd let them know onboard that you're doing it. I think some people probably check their ivillage e-mail more often than others.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 11:15am
Actually, Ivillage email no longer exists. If someone has an email address attached to their profile, and has indicated that it's ok for people to send them emails, then you can email someone that way. Click on the person's profile and then click on "send email".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 11:26am
Good to know. I guess I should check my facts first.

Thanks, Shari!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 2:14pm
Deena

Although I appreciate your opinion, it did take two in this situation. I admit that I am not free of fault here. This is something I have never experienced. I did not go looking to sleep with my exboyfriend and although I should have known better, it happened. I'm not looking for condemnation although I would gather it is warranted in this situation. There is no need to make me feel any worse than I already do about myself and this situation.......I'm doing a great job of making myself feel horrible. I am merely looking to understand why it happened and if it is possible that one can truly be torn between two women. I will not be seeing him again as it has torn my heart out and emotionally I am not sure that I can handle it.

I am not a woman looking to break up a marraige. I am a woman who fell in love with a man who has come back into her life and has only left me with more questions all of which have yet to have answers.

Thank you again for your words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 2:21pm
gogobear,

I would love to give you details although I am rather hesitant in displaying it for all to read. I am not proud of what happened by any means but am just trying to find some answers to help me understand what happened.

For whatever reason, reading your post has made me feel comfortable in communicating with you, as it appears you speak from experience.

I would love to email you in confidence privately but have yet to figure out how that is done and if you would even be inclinded to read and respond to what I have to say.

You have been a bit of help to me already even though the info I gave was extremely vague.

I'm glad you had a happy ending in your situation and that love has found you. Sounds to me like you're someone who deserves it.

Thanks again

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