Worried I Pushed Him Away

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
Worried I Pushed Him Away
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 11:29am

(Apologies in advance for the length!)

This guy and I were just friends for several years. We went to different colleges and lived in different cities, so we did not get to see each other much, but we talked often on the phone, online, etc. To be honest, I had placed him into the "friend zone," but I kind of suspected that he might like me. He was always a really good friend to me and sent me letters, thoughtful care packages, etc. We knew a lot about each other's lives and he was the guy that I went to for advice on my dating life; I also knew about the women he has dated over the years.

We currently live about 6 hours away from each other. I went to visit him late last month and to see other friends in his city. Although he had come to see me a few times last summer, nothing ever happened and I did not feel anything for him when we hung out. This time was different somehow, and we just seemed to click. We did not have sex, but we did kiss, etc. I met a lot of his good friends, who all knew about me already. They said that he never brings girls around them. He told me that he has always liked me and that he was really happy I was there. I stayed with him for the weekend and when I left, we were both pretty sad. But we kept in contact everyday afterwards (he initiated most of it, even when he was on a trip with his family) - then he invited me to come visit him again to see a concert (my favorite band). He asked if I would stay for a longer period of time, so we made arrangements for me to come for almost a week. I got back from that trip this past week. We had a great time together, and he treated me very well. He met a friend of mine who lives in his city and was very nice and welcoming toward her. We also went out with some of his friends again, and one of them told me he had been talking about me and that he said he was "very interested." When I was on the phone with an old friend, catching up, he was sitting there watching TV and listening to my conversation. My friend asked who I was staying with while in the city and I said, "my friend, -----." He brought that up later in the night, saying, "I heard what you told them. So I'm just your friend, huh?" and said it had bothered him a little hearing me say that.

We did sleep together this time, and we also had a talk about what was going on between us the night before I left. He said he really does like me, but that he is worried about the distance. He said he wished I would move there and that he would definitely want to date me then, but wasn't sure if we should start anything now without a plan in mind (i.e. when the distance would end). He also said that it wouldn't be fair of either of us to expect a commitment from each other; and that he wasn't sure when he would be able to come see me, as he works on the weekend (in a position where he cannot just easily take the time off), so it would be more me coming to see him. He did ask if I wanted to see him again after this and if he would be able to come visit.

I asked if we should just go back to being friends, and he got upset. He said he didn't think that he could do that, and that he would be sad if that is what I wanted. I told him it wasn't what I wanted, but I was hesitant to do long-distance as well (I have been in one before and it did not go well). He got all mopey and was saying how sad he was that this was possibly the last time in awhile that we would be able to cuddle or see each other. When I got up in the morning to leave, he was still acting sad. I was feeling kind of weird about the whole situation, so when I got back home, I asked if we could talk a bit. He agreed and I told him how I was feeling weird about everything. He asked why and if there was anything he could do to make it less weird for me - he said that it probably wasn't as weird for him because he had felt this way about me for awhile. I told him I was kind of feeling like I should back off and he said he had been afraid of that, and asked me why I thought I should. I said, "Well, we basically figured out that we are not dating, right?" and he said, "Well, I would not say that we are NOT dating, but I would not say we are in a relationship." I told him I did not want him to feel pressured at all...it was just hard for me not to try and rush things because I already felt so close to him, after being friends for so long. He said he didn't think we were rushing, but he wouldn't let himself be pressured into a relationship and that his main concern was the distance. We've had some miscommunication in the past, when we were just friends, that led to us not really speaking for a long period of time (mainly me; he tried). He brought that up and said he was scared that I would do that again; and that even no contact for a few days might throw one of us off while doing long-distance. He said he would hate it if I ever got mad at him, and he was so far away and couldn't just come see me to talk things out. I definitely understand where he is coming from, but now I feel even more confused about what either of us want. Before I visited him, he was texting me frequently throughout the day; now I barely hear from him. We did talk last night for a bit - not about anything serious - but it just felt off. I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but he seems distant to me, and so I find myself wanting to pull away as well.

I am worried that I may have pushed him away with the relationship talk. To be honest, I don't even know if I want a relationship right now, with him, or at all. The distance would be difficult, and sometimes I'm not sure I can fully transition to him not being just my friend anymore. I would be sad to lose him as a friend, and it sucks that I can't ask him for advice on how to deal with him! :b I asked if he would be prepared to lose me as a friend, and he said that right now, he didn't want that...but that he knew it was a possibility if this continues.

Part of me wonders if it was just the thrill of the chase for him - he said he had been pursuing me for awhile, and now it's like, well, we slept together and he knows I like him, so maybe he's losing interest. I truly believe that he is a good guy, but I'm just a little confused and sad. I guess I am just going to back off for now and let him contact me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 3:59pm

What I understand from your post is that your friend said he was interested in you but you refused for whatever reason but in reality when what you wanted was a relationship with him.Correct me if I am wrong.
If he has lost interest because he knows now that you like him,then he is jerk and was just looking for some free sex-- one you wouldnt want.
Lesson learned- ask for what you want and then dont expect opposite results.

Let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 6:01pm

Cutting through all the fuzzy-wuzzy talk, what exactly is it that he's offering you? A relationship, or not?