Would love a man's perspective on this

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2014
Would love a man's perspective on this
5
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 9:55am

Hi, I am really looking for some advise. My boyfriend dumped me after almost a year together. I feel quite pathetic, I am a 34 year old woman who has not been in many long term relationships due to a previous toxic relationships with my sons father. I have been in therapy and have gotten back on my feet- it took me quite a number of years but i finally found my confidence and allowed myself to start dating again. Over the last five years or so I have dated here and there, nothing serious and no one that I have fell in love with. Then last April, i met my boyfriend.... He broke down all my walls and I fell in love with him. He was everything I was looking for in a partner--soulmate-- husband-- whatever you wish to call it. We moved quite fast, faster than I normally would have, but we were in love. He set the speed of our relationship and I was all in... We spent a lot of time together, he asked for a monogomous relationship within the first month of us dating and he introduced me to his family with in six weeks. He has been married twice before, he claims his first wife fell out of love with him and his second wife cheated on him. He knew I had never been married and definately was interested in getting married one day. We never really talked about it because in my opionon I thought we were going to be together forever and marriage was just inevitable. We grew very close and within about 3 months I introduced him to my 10 year old son and my family. Not a day went by that we didn't speak on the phone. he always made me and my son a priority. Things were going great! He would sometimes tease me and call me MRS. (insert his last name), his mom called me her daughter in law, sister and brother called me their sister in law. All of these great signs that were pointing me in the safe and secure direction of us becoming a family. Six months into our relationship and my son had to be put in the hospital and he was such a huge rock for me. He let me cry, he listened to my fears, and he soothed me at night. While my son was in the hospital I got displaced from my home, and he kindly offered me to stay with him. Long story short I told him it was short term until I could find somewhere else to live, but he insisted I stay there even mentioning my son and I move in. We talked in length about it and I finally agreed, his lease was coming up in three months and it was a one bedroom so we were going to look for a bigger place..... well, he got spoooked. And I understood that- I even moved out, found another place for my son and I to live and we continued dating. But it was still a bad fight... i felt slightly confused and let down, but I loved him and he continued to love me....  Fast forward a few weeks later.... we had previously discussed moving in together after he signed another lease for his apartment, we didn't have an exact time frame but it was understood that it would be less than a year.  Well he never told me until I found out a week before Christmas that he resigned his lease for 18 more months, putting us to June of 2015....I got upset and backed off bc I really started to get scared. He got mad at me and dumped me... DUMPED me... after speaking to each other every day and being with each other 3-4 days a week he dumps me via text, blocks me on facebook and doesn't give me any explanation excpet to say he is never getting married again, he knows that is something I want and he doesn't think he will ever want it. And it's best to end things now.... I am totally like WTF!! I am miserable. I have tried to reach out to him, but he has cut me off. He asked for his key bac(which he gave me 4 months into our relationship)   and basically told me never to contact him again... What happened? Its been almost three weeks since I saw him and heard his voice and almost 2 weeks since he broke my heart. I don't know what to think or do.... I try to get up each day and be strong and put on a brave face. I cry almost every day. I feel like this is my fault, then I realize he is obviously afraid of committment. But the pain I am in, i feel like I would exchange that just to be with him for the rest of my life even if we never got married.....But he wants nothing to do with me, and I feel hurt and rejected. I let him in.....he was my everything....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 11:02am

Lovmycoffee-

Hi. Sorry to hear about the break-up. IMO, the turning point probably was when you stayed with him temporarily. He decided then that he just couldn't live with you. It would have been better if he spoke with you at the time and first gave you a chance to correct any problems. However, not every man is a good communicator. You mentioned that he is divorced twice. Poor communication skills might be a significant factor there. Also, I don't know and can't judge how annoying it is to live with you and your son. (A big disadvantage of giving and receiving online advice) Anyway, this is what one 50 year old married man thinks about the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 12:54pm

OK, this is not a year long relationship.  It's 8 months.  I think there are a lot of red flags here.  You said that he set the speed of the relationship.  He's already got two failed marriages under his belt, so he should know that rushing into something is rarely a good idea.  You are a woman with a child who came out of a toxic relationship that was bad enough that it required counseling.  To me, it sounds like he loved the idea of you and your son, but when reality set in with your son's hospitalization and you and your son moving in (even though he offered), he couldn't handle it.  He breaks up with you via text and then blocks you from all means of communication.  This is a man who sounds like he has his own issues.  You and your son both deserve better than this.  I think you should take whatever lessons you can from this and apply it to the future. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2014
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 5:46pm

You are absolutely right. I think for the few short weeks my son and I stayed with him it bothered him. He got mad at me and brought this same issue up later when I told him I didn't need another person telling me how to discipline my child. I said it before I could think about how it sounded. But he got upset anyway and said that he wasn't Anyone he was my BF.... but we had never discussed his role in my son's life outside of being "friends". My son has a father who he is with 50% of the time.... I thought that was an odd thing to get upset about. He has never had any kids of his own and it was a comment I made that he later admitted is the reason he changed his mind about living together, and used that same excuse in an email to me after he dumped me via text. I suppose he was looking for a way out and just couldn't be man enough to do it to my face so he took the cowards way out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 9:27pm

You don't know how big a bullet you dodged here.  It's very hard to be a blended family.  When I married my 2nd DH I had 2 kids and he had 1--I figured (very naively) that I'd take care of my kids and he would deal with his and that would be that.  Well he was always interfering and trying to tell me that I wasn't doing this or that right with my kids and it caused huge stress.  We had very different ideas on how to raise kids--years later, and now that we've been divorced for a while I have the satisfaction that my kids turned out great and his didn't (not very nice--not that I didn't want his DD to turn out well but I could just see this coming since he was bad at parenting but of course thought he knew best).  You add to that a guy who never had kids and of course he will know everything about how to raise them because he'll think that they miraculously just do everything you tell them--how a guy relates to your child is a really big factor that you should look at very carefully before you move in with anyone.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 2:31pm

  There is a huge difference between having a GF stay over and having her child and the baggage move in.  That is a lot.  In this society there are baggage issues that neither person may intentionaly refer to.  He is doing what he needs to do for himself.  Actually that is how it is supposed tobe. 

    Remember you are asking a lot.  Singles with out children do not deal with the same problems and emotions.  Those who do not have exes who will be in their life are another issue.   Having a relationship with any person who has children is very different for the person without. 

    love is over rated.  Ask your self this question: apart from that emotional pull how will this person enhance my life?  

dragowoman