Would really like a male opinion plz :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2010
Would really like a male opinion plz :(
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 12:27pm

Hi everyone,

Would love some opinion on my little problem.
Basically I was seeing a guy for 3 months, first 6 weeks was fab and he was really full on, he was open about not being able to commit (which was fine by me) but although he was saying that his actions said otherwise - particularly asking my opinions on everything to do with decorating his new house and also future plans.

Due to work commitment after the first 6 weeks we had to go from seeing each other 4 - 5 times a week to only 1 or 2 per week but we still maintained constant contact and can count on one hand the number of days we didn't speak.

Anyways he was also quite open about being a bit up and down due to a bad breakup (10 months ago)and then an injury meaning he was off work for 2 months didn't help either. So two weeks ago we were texting all day as normal and then later on the night i texted and asked if he had a good at work, he said no, so I said he could call me if he wanted and if nt not to worry. He didn't respond to that text and then I didn't hear anything form him for 4 days....I had sent a few messages in the mean time asking if he was ok.

The message I got from him was an apology for not speaking to me and that he wasnt speaking to anybody and that he was having a bad time at work and that he would speak to me soon. That was 2 weeks ago. I have sent him two messages since then (nothing asking for anything just checking that he is ok etc) which he hasnt responded to.

He has told me previously that when he is down he withdraws from people and likes to be left alone.

Also worth a mention is that he has dissappeared off facebook which is unlike him completely and I also bumped into his sister 9who he is very close too) who didn't have any idea he wasnt speaking to me!!

I am just wandering what people think, should I expect him to get in touch or was this his way of dumping me. I have very little experience with men so would love any insights.

Thank you for reading :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 12:43pm



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 12:45pm

He said he doesn't want to commit, believe his words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2010
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 1:10pm

Thanks for that guys, straight talking is what I need.

Just to clarify though, when I said he said he didnt want to commit but his actions said different....he has also introduced me many times to his family, taking me to family celebrations. He was also fairly insistant on meeting mine. He has taken me out with his couple friends as well. Whilst with his friends and family it was obvious he had spoken about me a lot as they knew a lot about me. He also expressed pleasure that I got on with them and said he was happy that he could take me out with them.

He also come around a cooked me meals when he has known I have been busy and has helped me around my flat etc. When asking about the decor at his house he has asked and then said 'well of your gonna be spending time here you should like it' and when in discussion I said the only tihng I didnt like about his house was that he didnt have a bath...with that he jumped up and showed me where he would put one in.

He also continued to spend time with me when we stopped being intimate with each other (due to a misunderstanding which we later sorted)

I understand what is being said here and I am dating somebody else as well and am not sure exactly what I want from this guy...I was just unsure of what was going on and wandered about peoples experiences.
:) x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 4:48pm

None of that means he wants a serious relationship or commitment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 9:14am

When a person doesn't want to "commit", they don't want the expectation that a relationship comes with. The poster who said that he wants to hang out with you as he pleases is right on - He wants to be with you, see you, and talk to you on his terms, when he wants to do it, and not have the expectation of HAVING to do these things if he doesn't want to. It's extremely common for some men (especially younger men) to feel this way. Their idea of a great relationship is fun, carefree, with a good connection, and it's ruined by expectation and obligation.

Unfortunately for you, to be in a relationship with a man like this means that he's the one in complete control of the relationship and you simply have to accept the breadcrumbs he throws you. That's not fair or right.

It sounds as though he likes you, but in order to have a harmonious relationship with him (in particular) you would have to be willing to accept that he's going to pull away, become distant, and leave you hanging when things aren't going perfectly for him. You can't have any expectations of him or you'll drive him even further away. You shouldn't expect emotional support or for him to be there when you need him because his own needs come first. Again, he definitely LIKES you, but these are the terms he comes with. If you think that sounds like a dismal excuse for a relationship, you're probably right. I wouldn't put up with that either. I don't get along with men who have to escape and create distance, I think that's immature and selfish.

I'm glad you're dating someone else too, I don't think this guy is a good long-term prospect for someone you can really count on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2010
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 3:21pm

Thank you Ladies.....I was just so confused and hurt by his behaviour and being a mathematician we have a tendency to analyse things!! :(

I came out of a ten year relationship a year ago (we were together from being 17) so really dont have any experiance with other men. My ex and I were always very open with each other (probably because we grew up together)so I suppose thats what I expect, if the new guy wanted space I would expect him to say 'I need a couple of weeks' or something like that. I certainly dont expect to be ignored, whether we are a couple or not.

I am going to enjoy getting to know the other guy and see how things go but out curiosity...what are peoples experiences with these guys that dissappear...do they make contact again?...is 2 weeks a long time to have no contact?...after 3 months of constant contact (intiated by him 90% of the time) do they miss us?.....do men pull away like this when they have things on their mind?

I think 'dating' is going to be a major learning curve for me so any experiences/insights will be greatly appreciated :) x

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 11:59pm

>>what are peoples experiences with these guys that dissappear...do they make contact again?...is 2 weeks a long time to have no contact?...after 3 months of constant contact (intiated by him 90% of the time) do they miss us?.....do men pull away like this when they have things on their mind?<<

Men do have a tendancy to work things out in their own heads. But only a minority of men are so self-centred as to leave their girlfriend hanging while they do their navel gazing.

Of the guys who do dissappear like this, you will mostly find it's a pattern. This is what he does when he needs time out. Even if he comes back, you can be assured he will do it again.

I've been through it once with one guy. And like a goose, I waited for him and worried about what was going on for him. If it had happened to me again, I would move on without even as much as a phone call to him. And under no circumstances would I accept a guy who did this back into my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 2:39pm

Hi puddles,

This may help you figure out where your relationship

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 6:25am
what are peoples experiences with these guys that dissappear...do they make contact again?...is 2 weeks a long time to have no contact?...after 3 months of constant contact (intiated by him 90% of the time) do they miss us?.....do men pull away like this when they have things on their mind?

While I'm sure that he still has mixed feelings about his (relatively) recent break up of ten months ago, the guy is just not into you.

No matter how much navel-gazing he's done, or soul-searching, or finding himself, if he contacts you again it's not because he's into you. It's because he's lonely, horney and not got anyone-else more interesting to distract him. Yeah, things could work out between the two of you but I would be very, very very hesistant to get involved with him 'cause I would really doubt his motivations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2010
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 4:08pm

Hi Guys,

Thanks for reading and your inputs it is appreciated.

It turns out the guy had gone on holiday! I found this out when he put it on his facebook status that he was back and had had a fantastic time. I know he doesnt owe me anything and certainly doesnt need to explain himself to me but a message would have been nice - just to let me know he was going especially as he had said he was having a hard time etc.

Anyways about ten minutes after his status he has had responded to the message I had sent him asking if he was ok. He said sorry he hadnt replied as he had been away and left his phone, he told me not to worry about him and then asked how I was and how my week off work had been.

I didnt respond to this, and then the next day he spent an hour talking to my younger sister (she is only 13) on facebook chat. He then messaged me again telling me they had been chatting and asking how my family was. I had just come in from a really good date with the other guy so was in a good place and responded - I answered the questioned he had asked me but didnt ask him anything as I didnt want to encourage conversation and so he hasnt responded.

I have paid attention to responses on here and am letting this guy go, was just curious as to what his motives where (for my piece of mind)why send me 2 messages and why spend the time talking to my younger sister who he has only actually met twice and very briefly?

S x