WOW

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
WOW
9
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 12:23pm

This is going to be really hard for me to write because I'm sure that I'm going to come off as a selfish, insecure b*tch, but I need to put it out there and see what you all think.

I had a say because we consider both homes ours -- and we both have a say in what goes on in each residence since we share them both. Our time is split between the two residences, my daughters are also in the other home on weekends, duri
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: notae
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 5:51pm

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place with no good options. You keep quiet and things will go badly. You speak up and things will go badly.

I think that the only way that you can really deal with this is to sit down with him at a time when you haven't got any kids around and lay your cards on the table. But do it in a tentative and gentle way. Tell him quietly and briefly what your concerns are.

Explain that you are concerned that the two of you intend to get married and be partners in the relationship but that he hasn't asked your opinion or consulted with you about trying to get custody of his kids. He'll say something like "You have your kids, I'm entitled to mine" and I would reply with something like "Yes, that's fine but as your partner it's a change that will affect me too and I'm entitled to have an input."

Put it to him that you are concerned about the liberties he allows the sixteen year old to have compared to the rest of his children. Don't make it about the sixteen year old versus you. Ask him if he can see that he gives her more than his other two children. Ask him why he does/allows that. Don't tell him what you see and what you think he should be doing, start by asking him to describe what he sees in his interactions with his children, and why he does it, to you. Then you could point out some of the unreasonable consequences that result from her behaviour.

At the end of the day, no matter what you do is going to cause some friction because he has to analyse his motivations and how he feels about his children and family which, no doubt, is influenced by the divorce and breakup. At the same time, your side of the family appears to be without fault in this which is difficult because he'll feel that you're implying or showing that you're a goodie-goodie which he won't like (even if it is basically true).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
In reply to: notae
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 6:32pm
Apologies if I'm way off here but it sounds like this relationship between him and his daughter has sexual overtones. Do you think so?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
In reply to: notae
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 8:54pm

No, I guessed that someone would go down that road.

I had a say because we consider both homes ours -- and we both have a say in what goes on in each residence since we share them both. Our time is split between the two residences, my daughters are also in the other home on weekends, duri
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: notae
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 12:26am
Welcome to the power struggle. First option is to build alliances with the other girls. This is to be a political endeavor. For the moment read Machiavelli's The Prince, Thick Skin Black Heart by Ng The art of War by Sun Tsu, These will help in the political power dynamics. The 16 year old is making her play for ascendence. Boys do this too. They want to be the "man" of the house. The same dynamics occur.
For you is to master political alliances with the others. Then use that political base for a coup.

dRIVING FOR THE RIGHTS OF THE INDIVIDUAL
SINCE 1969

xvx Pictures, Images and Photos


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
In reply to: notae
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 9:34am

Okay, let's think

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: notae
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 12:40pm
My my opinion, too many people today put their kids first...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
In reply to: notae
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 9:46am

I think the core of my issue with the custody case is the lack of discussion that took place, not so much the child.

I had a say because we consider both homes ours -- and we both have a say in what goes on in each residence since we share them both. Our time is split between the two residences, my daughters are also in the other home on weekends, duri
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
In reply to: notae
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 1:28pm

I did not say a sexual relationship between

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: notae
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 4:01am

Here's the way I see it: He had a relationship with his daughters before he started the relationship with you. He has a responsibility to the daughters that existed before he had any responsibility to you. He chose to throw a monkey wrench into his daughters' lives by not staying with their mother. (Even if he opposed the divorce, he picked a woman for their mother with that kind of character in the first place.) The kids had no say in that matter.