WTF??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
WTF??
17
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 3:27pm
My husband of 8 years has been threatening to get a divorce for 1 1/2 years if I didn't do what he wanted or if I wanted to talk about us. He's even gone as far as threatening to kick me out if I don't take orders from him. The last time he mentioned divorce, I said "Let's go then!" We went, not talking all the way to the lawyer's office. We went in and after the lawyer talks with us, husband asks "If one of us changes our minds, then what? Do I get my money back?" Of course the lawyer said no. Husband looks at me and says ~cocky attitude~ "You sure you want to do this?" WTF??? We proceed to fill out papers. Now he keeps throwing this in my face about how I want the divorce because I said YES. He seems to have forgotten about that year and a half of threatening me with divorce. Now he won't talk about anything! If I so much as ask him where we went wrong, what could've made things better....he shuts down and tells me to make up my mind and of course throws this divorce in my face, because I said YES in front of the lawyer. I told him he could have changed things by talking to me, to which he says "What was I supposed to say?" Now, this man has no trouble talking, and when the time came, he did nothing. He acts like this is all my doing. Is this something all men do? I am so frustrated. We have three kids, and I believe divorce should be the last resort. We still live together, the divorce is not final. He refuses to acknowledge anything other than I said YES! Help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: evilmad
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 4:34pm

Perhaps some part of him wants to be able to feel that he wasnt a failure in his marriage. If he goes through with it he's as good as admitting to himself that he failed at his marriage. Actually, I don't know why he'd do this. People do strange things for strange reasons. And does it matter?

What exactly are you frustrated about? What is the point of being frustrated? What does it matter whose idea the divorce was in the first place? The outcome is the same - it sounds like neither of you can talk to one another and the marriage is over. Does it really matter who he wants to blame? Why don't you get on with it and just finish it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
In reply to: evilmad
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 5:11pm
With me, it's not a matter of who to blame. He wanted a divorce so I went along with it. Now he seems shocked and hurt because I went along with it. He won't tell me what he wants. He goes back and forth from one second to the next. I've told him that the ball is in his court, that he has the power to change everything...if he wants to. He refuses to tell me anything. When I ask him if he wants to stay married he says he's answered me already.{NO...HE HAS NOT} I'm starting to feel like this is a game to him...to see how much I will put up with. I'm hoping another guy can help with this confusion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
In reply to: evilmad
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 5:30pm

My husband of 8 years has been threatening to get a divorce for 1 1/2 years if I didn't do what he wanted or if I wanted to talk about us. He's even gone as far as threatening to kick me out if I don't take orders from him.


... and ...


He wanted a divorce so I went along with it. Now he seems shocked and hurt because I went along with it. He won't tell me what he wants.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2010
In reply to: evilmad
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 6:02pm
The post wasn't a whole lot to go on
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: evilmad
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 6:58pm

What do you want?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
In reply to: evilmad
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 8:22pm
Okay, first of all, I went along with it because I was tired of hearing "we need to go see a lawyer then" every time I said something he didn't agree with or just didn't want to hear. I kept telling him to go see one if that's the way he felt. AFTER we go see the lawyer, he says he didn't really mean it.Yet, while we were there, he said nothing. I called him on his threat. It was not me doing what he said. It was me being fed the f up! A year and a half was all I could take of hearing how we need to get divorced if I didn't do what he said. Now, that we have filed, he's playing the victim, like it's MY fault we're getting divorced. This is what I am wanting advice on. I have repeatedly told him that if he's willing to put forth some effort in this marriage, I will too, because if I want to be able to tell my children that I did all I could to keep this family together. I have been the only one trying to keep us together. {I'm trying not to make this too long, so people will actually read it.} He didn't want to work on things BEFORE we filed for divorce. He said he wasn't going to pay for counseling, but he's paying for this divorce. Now he's shocked and hurt(his words)that I went with him to file for the divorce. I don't know how else to make y'all understand. He wanted it, he threatened it...I agreed..now he's mad because I agreed. He won't tell me how he feels about all this or if he even wants to stay married to me. He asks in return if I'm sure I want this.(No, that doesn't mean I'm waiting for him to tell me what to do.) Can someone please give me some thoughts on this without judging me? I would greatly appreciate that. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: evilmad
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 10:33pm

I guess that he wanted you to cry and scream and beg and fall to the ground in tears when he booked the lawyer appointment. Instead you called his bluff. Not only has calling his bluff worked, it's worked so well that he now sees this as an indication that you WANTED a divorce all along. He's now so upset that he isn't prepared to do anything because he doesn't beleive that you are sincere about staying married - by his logic, if you were sincere about wanting to stay married you would never have gone with him to the lawyer and signed the papers.

It's a catch 22 situation. You can't win until he sees that you want to stay married. And he won't see that until HE gets HIS head straight. There is very little that you can do. Frankly I think that his brain is a bit warped if he made a bluff like that and went so far as to going to the lawyer before backing down. He's not very clever. His lack of cleverness may continue to stuff things up for the two of you.

All you can do is sit down with him and give him two options - keep them short and sweet. Tell him that you want to stay married but that it needs to be a better marriage and that you will not stay in a bad marriage. You see that there are two options here: One: Work together to save the marriage. Two. IF he doesn't help to save the marriage then you continue the divorce.

I think that's about all you can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: evilmad
Tue, 03-16-2010 - 6:52am

What

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
In reply to: evilmad
Tue, 03-16-2010 - 11:43am
A close friend of mine has ex that did this. Twice he served her with papers. They went almost all the way through and then called it off. The third time (imagine this!) the family is sitting watching tv, there is a knock on the door. My friend answers the door thinking that it's the paper boy or whatever, but it's the process server serving her with divorce papers. She had no clue. Ex never said a word. She knew right then and there she had no choice, she went a long with it. (This is a very condensed version of a long story). Through the entire divorce process HE was the one playing the victim. I think he was playing a game, but this time he lost. In some twisted way it was a test of her loyalty. She knew if she stayed, he would be able to continue treating her like crap and she would be stuck. In the end, she found a terrific guy and the ex is miserable. After the divorce, her ex asked her if they could continue living together! He was so lost and clueless. If you are going to threaten divorce, be careful, you might get what you asked for. If he is threatening divorce, there is a real issue here. Does he really want a divorce? Or is there another issue? Is now willing to go to therapy? Is this what you want? Personally, I would have done the same thing. "If this is what you want, then let's go..."
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
In reply to: evilmad
Tue, 03-16-2010 - 2:56pm

I agree with amyyd - I think I would have had the same reaction as you did after putting up with that BS for over a year.

What he was doing (telling you he was going to see a lawyer every time you said something he didn't like) is very manipulative and, to be honest, just plain weird. What grown man acts like that?!

Who knows the reason why he is playing the victim now - but again, he is being manipulative and I would suggest you don't spend a lot of time trying to convince him why you said yes to the divorce. It's just turning you around in circles. I do think some counseling could help - if you can get him to agree. Otherwise, go by yourself and be really honest about what is going on in your marriage. Your therapist may have some very insightful things to say about the dynamic that has developed and what you could do to make things better for yourself.

Good luck!

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