XH's relationship coming to an end?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2013
XH's relationship coming to an end?
4
Tue, 05-28-2013 - 2:09pm

Hello everyone,

(I might not be on the right board, so I apologize in advance!)

My fiance and I have been wondering about something, rather, someone. We've been discussing about my XH (not something you hear everyday LOL!)

 I have two children by my XH, and my kids have told me numerous times that their dad and wife fight CONSTANTLY to the point where SHE, not HE, ends up leaving the house for a few hours. (The kids visit their dad from time to time.) They're also older children, so they know what they're saying.

I met my fiance in 2010 and coincidentally my XH met his partner (now wife) the same year. They got married a short few months after meeting each other while I just recently got engaged at the beginning of this year.  I don't even know my own wedding date yet, but that's okay with me, since I had an incredibly horrible experience with my XH and still dealing with my own issues even now. I am in no hurry to get married. XH has also adopted his wife's kids, only a few months ago. 

As of late, my fiance and I are hearing that XH and his wife are having marital issues. However, things always seem to stay together, but it is very unstable, obviously. My kids say that they're still fighting, as always, and wish their dad wasn't married to her because he was "better" before he met her. They say that she is "the boss of everything," when he used to be and they've said that he smokes and drinks now, something he's never done before meeting her. For the most part, everything is completely opposite since meeting his wife. They also live out of state, and he's only come to visit the kids while his wife was present, but this year XH has said that he will be visiting alone. 

So, given all of this information, my fiance and I must assume XH and his wife are miserable together, but for reasons unknown they still stay together. We are confused as heck and my kids are hoping this doesn't work out. (That's bad when your kids don't want your marriage to work.)

 I guess my question here would be, how much longer will their relationship last? I mean, can this kind of relationship end up working out? My fiance and I don't understand how XH can go through all of this, and in the meantime putting his biological kids through this as well. IMO, they got married too quickly and he adopted her kids way too quickly, but I suppose if they love each other enough they will make it work, but according to the kids they fight "all the time" and hardly ever see them happy. 

EDIT: I forgot something earlier. XH and wife have fought especially after marriage, and a bit before marriage. So, if they've been having all of these fights throughout the marriage then why the heck would a guy then go and adopt the wife's kids? That's what plagues my fiance and I the most.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 05-28-2013 - 3:35pm

Hi all i can say is that he made errors all along.  He seems to have followed what he tinks was expected of him and not what he really wants.  Now he is stuck.  Divorce he cannot afford. or live in abject poverty while she gets everything.  No win situation.

dragowoman

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 05-28-2013 - 5:47pm

iheartmy4kids wrote:
<p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:terminal, monaco">Hello everyone,</span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:terminal, monaco">(I might not be on the right board, so I apologize in advance!)</span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:terminal, monaco">My fiance and I have been wondering about something, rather, someone. We've been discussing about my XH (not something you hear everyday LOL!)</span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:terminal, monaco"> I have two children by my XH, and my kids have told me numerous times that their dad and wife fight CONSTANTLY to the point where SHE, not HE, ends up leaving the house for a few hours. (The kids visit their dad from time to time.) They're also older children, so they know what they're saying.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:terminal, monaco">I met my fiance in 2010 and coincidentally my XH met his partner (now wife) the same year. They got married a short few months after meeting each other while I just recently got engaged at the beginning of this year.  I don't even know my own wedding date yet, but that's okay with me, since I had an incredibly horrible experience with my XH and still dealing with my own issues even now. I am in no hurry to get married. XH has also adopted his wife's kids, only a few months ago. </span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:terminal, monaco">As of late, my fiance and I are hearing that XH and his wife are having marital issues. However, things always seem to stay together, but it is very unstable, obviously. <span>My kids say that they're still fighting, as always, and wish their dad wasn't married to her because he was "better" before he met her. They say that she is "the boss of everything," when he used to be and they've said that he smokes and drinks now, something he's never done before meeting her. For the most part, everything is completely opposite since meeting his wife. They also live out of state, and he's only come to visit the kids while his wife was present, but this year XH has said that he will be visiting alone. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family:terminal, monaco; font-size:small">So, given all of this information, my fiance and I must assume XH and his wife are miserable together, but for reasons unknown they still stay together. We are confused as heck and my kids are hoping this doesn't work out. (That's bad when your kids don't want your marriage to work.) </span></p><p><span style="font-family:terminal, monaco; font-size:small"> I guess my question here would be, how much longer will their relationship last? I mean, can this kind of relationship end up working out? My fiance and I don't understand how XH can go through all of this, and in the meantime putting his biological kids through this as well. IMO, they got married too quickly and he adopted her kids way too quickly, but I suppose if they love each other enough they will make it work, but according to the kids they fight "all the time" and hardly ever see them happy. </span></p><p><span style="font-family:terminal, monaco; font-size:small">EDIT: I forgot something earlier. XH and wife have fought especially after marriage, and a bit before marriage. So, if they've been having all of these fights throughout the marriage then why the heck would a guy then go and adopt the wife's kids? That's what plagues my fiance and I the most.</span></p>

What difference does it really make what state your ex's marriage is in?  I would think that both you and your fiance have better things to wrap your heads around rather than your ex's present unhappy marriage.

He stays with her because he chooses to stay with her--that's the long and short of it. 

You've got better things to do with your time and energy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-28-2013 - 7:24pm

If you, who actually know your ex, can't figure out what is going on with him, then how would a bunch of strangers be able to figure it out?  Honestly it's not your business, except for how it affects the kids.  If they are upset by witnessing the arguing & her storming out, then you might mention it to him--but surely don't say that they hope they get divorced.  Some people argue a lot but stay together.  

For my 2nd marriage I married a guy who had 1 child & her mother had died.  He had mentioned to me that he wanted me to adopt her but I didn't do it--she was already 12 when we got married and we were just never that close.  It was really a good decision.  I just had this feeling in the back of my mind that things might not work out & then I wouldn't want to have to pay him child support or something like that.  After we got divorced, she & I just didn't continue the relationship for various reasons and I'm glad I'm not  tied to him any more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2013
Wed, 05-29-2013 - 1:19pm

Hi everyone, 

I was just looking for some thoughts on this was all. The XH's situation in a way does concern me because I have kids with him and they wish he was not with his wife. It is ALWAYS in my face (you know how kids are) and then you can't help but wonder why the heck would you want to deal with all of that crap and then adopt kids? I don't wish he gets divorced, my kids do. I guess I thought that he would run when things took a turn for the worse, immediately right after the marriage. The fighting is on a daily basis. I never imagined he would ever adopt children, even with the right person. I was with him for several, several years and been a victim to his constant cheating and verbal abuse and he always ran away when things got tough. Now he's fallen victim and it's all so strange. I'm not sure what to think and yes I shouldn't care what goes on in his life but when our kids are coming to me with this all the time how can I not? I can't even talk to their dad because he is unbelievably defensive and irate, and the court knows this. 

Thank you for your comments. It's just good to let it out.