mother upset over wedding being handled without her

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
mother upset over wedding being handled without her
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 1:05pm

Hello, maybe some of you have or had dealt with this. My fiance and I are in our late thirties and are in the midst of planning our wedding. Due to our ages and the fact that we're both professionals with solid jobs and good incomes, we're planning our own wedding, our way.  

My mother, however, keeps making comments about how this is "happening so fast." Knowing her, I think I have somewhat of a handle on what that translates too-- you aren't letting ME call the shots. But neither my fiance nor I wanted a big party at a catering hall with a bunch of bridesmaids, groomsmen, showers, DJ, etc. It just isn't us. We're practical and know how to get things done quickly and don't like drama.

Over the past few weeks, though, my mother has been trying to create drama and assume the role of neurotic mother of the bride. maybe it's a role she's coveted since the day I was born, I don't know. First she went ballistic over my not wanting to get married in what she calls my "hometown church." I'm not religious and haven't stepped foot in the church since I left for college over 20 years ago. There are other places I cherish more at this stage of my life. She's accepted this after a few arguments, but she is continuing to insist we are acting "too fast."  A few weeks ago she tried to push us to stop planning and "take a breath" because we "need to make sure we do things the right way." We, on the other hand, do not see this as fast. 

Some of you may ask why I didn't rope her into this from the beginning? She had offered to help plan the wedding from the get-go, but, based on being her daughter, I know how she operates. It's always been her way or the highway, yelling and insulting me when I say no to something she thinks I need, insisting that her way is the right way to do something, etc. Frankly, after all of these years, I've had enough. 

I've let her assist with a few smaller things-- picking out a dress, advising me on shoes and jewelry, accepting small monetary gifts, but I'm trying to be careful. Is there a way to keep the peace here? (And by the way, I'm not pregnant. We just really don't see the need to wait a year-plus to get married). 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011

My mother also freaked when she felt she wasn't given enough input into our wedding.  I was in the same situation when I married, in my late 30s, and I really just wanted to plan my own wedding.  Also, we had a shorter engagement period because we were both older and didn't see the need to put the wedding off for years, as some younger couples do.   This was something she couldn't understand, she had married at 22 like most of her friends, and had a long engagement and lots of time to plan her own wedding.  She also was upset we didn't get married in a church building, but most of the church buildings around here are so ugly; I just didn't see the point. Moms of the Bride tend to be this way, and in my mother's case she went psychotic because she couldn't control every aspect of our wedding planning, and ten years later she is still mad about it.  I wish I had some good advice, but I don't, as I don't feel these situations can be managed.  And, its not only the mom of the bride, but also other family members who will often try to intervene where they aren't wanted, and will take offense if something about the wedding doesn't go "their way". One of my wedding guests was mad that my wedding wasn't being held closer to where she lives, but it was only a 30 minute drive from her house!  Everyone says brides are bridezillas but I think family members and guests act a lot more entitled. I think it is important for the couple getting married to say "this is how we are doing it, if you find it offensive for some reason, then you certainly aren't required to attend".