19year age gap, advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
19year age gap, advice please!
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 11:48am

Currently seeing a man 19years my senior, Iam 20, and my family disagree and continue to put pressure on me to end it.

he is legally seperated living in seperate houses and going through a divorce at the moment, his wife doesn't know about me for fear of losing custody of his 8year old daughter.

I have never been so happy with anyone before and i love him with all my heart and soul!

but it has now come to a point were my family are making me chose between him or them, my mum is not too bad but my dad drinks and then comes in and goes on for hours at a time about it and is constantly putting pressure on me and doubts in my mind about my b/f which are soon cleared up because of the good relationship between my b/f and I.

I didn't tell my mum and dad about him until 12months into the relationship because i knew how they would react, because when i was 17 Iwas seeing a 24year and they made me split up with him because of the age gap, we've tried to split up but we love eachother too much, we have been together for nearly 18months now and when we are together it's perfect, I just dread returning home to my parents.

Even if i do run away with him my dad has threatened to "do him in" and "he'll make it not work" because "he's not taking his daughter away from him!" and has called me all the names under the sun.

So now it come to a point of where do i go, cant go with him because of the divorce proceedings and I cant bare living at home. I know he's worth it! just don't know what to do for the best!

please help with any advice or support

thanks JodyX

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 3:34pm
19 years is a very large gap for someone so young. What do u have in common? He's been through things u haven't even seen yet. He's been married and has a child. Does he want to be married again or have more children? Do you want these things? Are u 2 on the same page regarding future relations between the 2 of u? He may see this relationship as a way of not having to deal with his divorce issues. In other words "let me be with her to keep my mind off of wanting my wife".

Another thing is Are u sure he's going through a divorce and not just cheating on his wife? I guess you've never been to his place of residence. Men will tell u anything.

Judging by what u said about ur dad (alcohol). U look at ur b/f as a father figure. The though of running away is not an option nor is it a very adult/mature decison. I would suggest u think about these things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:15am

Wow, you are in a very scary situation! This man has got you wrapped around his finger! No man at 39 years of age, in his right mind anyway, would want to seriously settle down with a 20-year-old. You might be a very attractive and smart young lady, but he's only with you to get what he's not getting from his wife. Obviously something is lacking in his marriage or he wouldn't be getting divorced or be with you.

You need to seriously consider your parents concerns. At 20, I remember not caring much about what my parents said to me. I ignored their wishes a lot, but looking back, I wish I would've paid more attention. I made huge mistakes when I was your age. I, too, had an alcoholic father. I wish I would've listened to what they were telling me. After all, they were seasoned veterans of life. They had been more experienced than I was.

You're going to get hurt

Loving wife to David (3-2