AGE ISSUE

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
AGE ISSUE
13
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 2:52pm


Hi, sorry for my english , hope I can learn more since I'm moving to Boston on February. Anyway, this is my first time on this message board theme, although I have posted on feeling depressed, Bipolar depression and others. The thing is that I'm 33 years old have had a few boyfriends but my relationships usually don't last more than 3 months. I'm so worried cause at my age I haven't got married, don't have children and the time has come when I really need to have a partner (don't have one at this moment). I don't know what's being happening to me but I don't enjoy any activity. Everytime I try to enjoy activities I only think that it's not worth it and that there must be a partner who really loves me by my side. I wonder what's wrong with me. Everybody thinks that I'm beautiful and I consider myself a good person and always have gave 100% in every relationship I have been. This is really causing me to get more depressed. I always think that I'm getting older although everybody says I look pretty young. I ocasionally think that my time is over to find a partner since at least in my country people use to get marry at aprox 25. And I think this is everywhere, so all that is available are leftovers (LOL). I know this sounds funny, but is a painful truth. Can you give me some ideas to enjoy more my single life, forget about the age thing and FINALLY live in peace.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
In reply to: nuden70
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 10:13am
Have you spoken to a doctor about the way you're feeling? Often times, the inability to enjoy activities we used to is due to depression. Also, the fact that you feel like you need a partner to enjoy activities could be due to some type of emotional/mental imbalance. I would speak with a doctor about this, since depression can be treated with meds and/or therapy. You mentioned you visit the "Bi-Polar" board; have you been diagnosed with bi-polar?

As for you being an old maid, don't even think it! You'll see when you move to Boston that there are a lot of women in their 30's who are still single. You're not married yet because you haven't found the right guy, but trust me, he's out there!

I hope this helps a little.

Jennifer:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: nuden70
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 12:24pm


Hi, niffer71;


Yes,I have been daignose with bipolar disease, not a tipical case but it's a bipolar disease since I suffer from many depressions, most of the time I'm depressed and at this moment I'm under treatment. Maybe the age issue is because in the country I live at my age usually people have already been married and have children or are already divorced. Thank God in Boston things can be different. Thanks a lot for your comment!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: nuden70
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 2:36pm

I would like to comment on your post as well...


I'm sorry that you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but this could be why your relationships don't last. Bipolar

Rebecca
Loving wife to David (3-2

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: nuden70
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 11:18pm
Hi.. I read your original email re: age/relationship-depression. I recently lost all my friends to... yikes.. relationships.. and I'm currently in one myself although don't feel the slightest bit secure in it. Just recently I found that I'm unhappy all the time when i'm not w/ the beau.. and feels like it could actually be depression. It's pretty scary. I'm confused if it IS depression or like you were saying.. life is over for me and I missed the boat to the suburbs, childrens, etc. I've been drinking too much as well and its definitely a problem. I've seem to got myself in a hole that feels impossible to jump out of.. and I've always been the optimist.. always the one thinking I'll be 72 and secure w/out worrying if I should be "married" or have children... I suppose it doesn't help that my father refuses to speak to me because.. in a nutshell.. I'm not married... and really doesn't want much to do with me. The world just seems full of happy people and I'm not "getting" something along the way. I'm 36 and new to this list.. Sorry my first post is a downer.. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like closing up shop and moving to ... I don't know.. paris or something!!! Like life needs to be shaken up...

Thanks for listening!!

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
In reply to: nuden70
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 3:26am
JJ, I was born in 1967 too. I got depressed after I recently turned 36 for other reasons--can you hear that biological clock ticking?

What sucks is that we women feel the need to have a man to make us whole and happy. I have one girlfriend that has it all--the man, kids and career. However, the rest of my girlfriends are mostly depressed because they are in their 30's and still single. Heck, I was depressed when my husband and I almost divorced and we were separated for a year.

What I've done to get us all through this is to enjoy each other's company, enjoy our careers and enjoy the other things in life unrelated to men (i.e. artsy movies, girl talk, fine dining).

Sometimes if things aren't happening the way you want them to, you have to make a change. (I'm not suggesting something as drastic as moving to another country, possibly a smaller one as in move to another state.) My girlfriends who are unhappy won't move. They are truly afraid of the unknown. I don't blame them for being afraid but something's got to give if life is too "routine" by now.

Before I met my husband 10 years ago, I was in a 4 1/2 year relationship with a man who seemed to fit the bill: same religion, doctor, wanted to have kids and loved me. However, I felt like I wouldn't be a good wife to him because I did not love him passionately. I was ready to break up with him and was waiting for him to move to a different state for his internship.

In the meantime, while I had this long-distance relationship I had no intention of sustaining, I took modeling classes to feel more confident about myself. What's funny about that is that it never paid off in terms of a modeling/acting career for myself. Instead, I met my husband at work when he was consulting there and we just clicked. I could not believe how fate had timed things for me. Just as I was ready to end my relationship, I met the love of my life.

However, life has its ups and downs. The 'happily ever after' part needs to be worked on by both parties willingly. It is HARD work but worth it. Am I happy now? About 80% of the time. The 20% has more to do with me than my DH.

Do what you feel you need to do to be happy but think things through first before you make your final decision. Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: nuden70
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 8:16am


Hi, white dove25:


I know your advice was posted directly to "jjones1967" but also a good advice for me. The part that really caught my attention was when you said that you don't suggest making a dramatic change such as moving to a different country. If you notice the "AGE ISSUE" original message was sent by me and all of my postings on "IVillage Boards" talk about my moving issue from Puerto Rico to Boston. But I have not come to this desicion to find a soul mate. This desicion has to be more with different issues in my life and a desicion I have thought for quite some time.


sorry for my english!!!

Thanks for your advice!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
In reply to: nuden70
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:01am
"I ocasionally think that my time is over to find a partner since at least in my country people use to get marry at aprox 25. And I think this is everywhere..."

I don't think that is true at all! I will be 30 in three weeks and I am still the only one of my friends that is married, or has kids, or is even yet considering these things. You cannot put a number on when you will meet that special person... it just happens when it happens.

Best of luck to you on your move!

~Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: nuden70
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:21am


Hi, ikatstr:


I'm sorry to disagree but in Puerto Rico at my age (33) all there is are leftovers (LLLOOOLLL!!).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: nuden70
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 1:36pm
White Dove and Nuden,

Thanks for your following messages. I have snapped out of it a bit. I have to say, that is one of the great things about life. And the answer, yes, I do believe - is never stop exploring. Exploring new jobs, new places to live, new places to make friends. I think the routine of job/home has started to wear on me. I really enjoy being challenged intellectually and miss being in school. It's funny, when I was a kid I used to envision myself as this cool older women that was very smart and was never tied to any guy.. now that I'm ALMOST there (intellectually - haha, joking) I reject it.

My goal for the new year is grow spiritually, intellectually and taking better care of myself and flirt, flirt, flirt.. haha..

I wish all of you a beautiful new year!!!

JJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
In reply to: nuden70
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 4:27pm
You sound like many people of many generations ago,like my Grandparents and so on. Do honestly think a guy is what makes you a complete person? I use to think this way and at the same time I always resented it as well as all the women in my family. They always had to be married or have a boyfriend to get married. This is what they believe makes them important and special...In your relationships what would you and he do together? Are you a tv person,a club goer?What? In all reality,it sounds like you have a similar mindset like the women in my family and that whole generation...What do YOU WANT in YOUR LIFE? What do YOU WANT FROM your LIFE? Do you have a spiritual interest? Hey,don't see me as a religion pusher,this I am not...Personally I am into Wiccan and open to everything and judge no ones interest...!!What has your life repeated overtime? What excites you besdies a boyfriend to lean on? I just read your profile and see you have issues with your dad and brothers... I am very sorry to hear this...I can completely understand where you are coming from...And this is exactly why you WANT a boyfriend/husband,soooo bad...You are LOOKING for what is missing from your FATHER. This is why so many girls ,like my family,do nothing more but put up with crap from men and think they have to have a man love them and want it soooo bad because they never had it like we wanted it!!!??? Maybe in your relations,these guys did not give you enough of what you wantted like a father figure and maybe to them you needed more than they new how to give..?Do you know of Dr.Phil McGraw? His book "SELF MATTERS" is a very good and yet a tough thing to accomplish but definately worth it!!!! Please go to the library and checkit out,if you are serious about HELPING YOURSELF...Please you can always walk away from it....The thing I have known since I was about 10-12yrs old was that my childhood had a great big impact on ME and who I was going to be...Thing is no one would listen nor admit my honest insight and then comes along many years later,Dr.Phil!!!I also KNOW we have to give to OURSELVES what our families could not give us when we were children and may not be willng to give us now...My parents were abusive and my real father was a coward and stayed out of the line of fire w/my mother and never was there for my brother and I...My mother still walks in shame and still lies about things from my youth and so does my ex-stepdad..Growing up w/liars and all abuse was very disturbing and even more disturbing to socialize w/my mother when things bring forward past events and she sits there telling us "I don't remember it that way" not to mention the hesitation and the vary vibe and look in her expression shes going to lie and deny..This could be what happens between you and your dad and this could vary well be the exact opposite of what comes in your personal self discovery and acknowledgement...Just depends on others,which can suck,and at the same time YOU ALWAYS HAVE YOU and YOU ARE SPECIAL BEING YOU even if dad sucks!!! Maybe you can further get to know him thru his parents and childhood enviorment,maybe thru your mom or other family.If you are as daring as I am today and wish I was years ago b4 my dad passed maybe you will be able to confront him and get something good back...The only way I confronted my dad was in a letter and he gave me no response.YOUR HAPPINESS and successful relationship and future are in YOUR HANDS,not any guys not even your dads..You can have the right guy at just the right time and things will happen just as YOU and YOUR HEART DESIRE...Darlin,YOUR NOT READY,just yet.I think you are desperate and this will only make your life more difficult.Do you live close to family? I am in OHIO.I am a single mother of 2 kids and struggling to recover from my self destructive behaviors and relations.I am planning to start my own business and have been getting much of the needed information together for a Grant this coming April/2004.Oh and I am 30,Aries,April 10th.Oldest child is a scorpio and youngest is a cancerean/leo,leaning towards LEO...Thank goodness...LOL So,anyhow,what is your education in? The job you have , does it give you positive energy or negative energy and is it what you want to do til death do you part? Please do not take me as impolite...I am just a specific and direct person..I believe in the whole honesty thing and bluntness is really a natural specialty many hate...Take care and hope to hear from you...Should you have any answers or questions please write.MorningStar,Always a REAL FRIEND

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