Am I a bad friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Am I a bad friend?
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 7:31am
I've talked about this friend of mine before who seems to think she's very good looking (she is) and has it all together (questionable). She has 2 businesses, but she can't find a guy for more than a one night fling to save her life. Well the good old married guy is coming to visit her this weekend, flying in from the Carribbean and apparently telling his wife he's going somewhere for business. She's planning on going out with him and her friends both Friday and Saturday. She of course wants me to go out as well but I've come up with the excuse that I'll be out of town. She's so excited because he'll buy everything for everyone while they're out and of course she'll get drunk and end up spending the night with him. So I'll be missing out on that. It just makes me so angry how she tells me how I shoudl be living it up but here she is, 32 years old, and only seems to connect with married guys. She's leaving the country next week and says that this is the last time I'll see her before she goes. I'm sorry but I don't want to be out getting drunk with a married man. Am I wrong for not going out?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 10:34am
I think there's a far deeper question here than whether or not you're a bad friend. You seem to question a lot of choices you make (based on previous posts), and I wonder why? You've made it clear this friend's behavior bothers you, that you typically don't enjoy yourself anymore when you go out with her. You've made a decision to not do something that you don't want to do; what's wrong with that?

The bottom line is that you need to do what makes YOU happy; people aren't always going to agree with your decisions, and may even try to get you to change your mind. Your friend may be disappointed, but she'll get over it. For you, a lifetime of doing things that other people want you to do will be much harder for you to get over.

This is just my honest opinion, and I truly hope I haven't offended you in anyway. I just want you to realize that you are a special person, and you should always stand up for yourself, even if it means standing up to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 8:49pm
I just said this to Suzanna2004 but I'm going to say it again to you in case you don't read her dilemma:-):

Your feelings are okay and you have a right to them. Don't question whether they're wrong or right, just accept that they are.

Your friend is in a spot in her life where she feels this is okay and what she wants to do. Maybe she's wrong, maybe she's right. Whatever your feelings about her behavior are, it doesn't matter--those are *your* feelings, not hers. And it's *her* life, not yours. I don't want that to come across sounding harsh because I'm actually thinking it gently in my head:-).

People do stupid things all the time--sometimes they learn from them, sometimes they don't. But you don't have to get dragged into the middle of something you don't like, feel comfortable with, or agree with. Do what's best for yourself--don't worry about what she thinks or feels about it...honestly. If she tries to "guilt" you into coming along by telling you this is the last time you'll see her before she leave the country, just tell her you love her and you'll see her when she gets back. And then do just that.

I actually think you're being a *better* friend by not going along with what she thinks is "fun." And if you're consistent, she may just get the message and start being a better friend to you. And if she doesn't, and this type of behavior really really bothers know, there are other fish in the Sea of Friendship:-). You don't have to hang around people who make you uncomfortable.

Good luck--and stop worrying:-)



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 8:56am
All the posts on here about this 'friend', you obviously worry and care for her... do you really think that makes you a 'bad friend'??? Of course it doesn't!! Are you wrong for not going out? You can't change how your friend is, but YOU gotta do what is right for YOU. I agree with what Jennifer said, you need to stand up for yourself, even if it means standing up TO yourself! It sounds like you did what is right for you, so stop beating yourself up about it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 2:09pm

Actually, you are in the RIGHT if you ask me. Your friend really has her priorities mixed up and if you're a good friend, you'll tell her so!

Let me tell you a short story:

A friend of mine was recently caught by a private investigator hired by her affair's wife. My friend, A, was fooling around with this guy, M, who always went on "business trips." M's wife was suspicious, hired a PI, and found out what she suspected all along. What's worse is that not only was M's marriage ruined, A's marriage was ruined, too.

Loving wife to David (3-2

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:16am
I agree with you. She may like going out and partying with married men but I think it is in bad taste for her to try and push you into going with her. I think that if she was so interested in seeing you before she left she should have made time for you and her to spend time together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:49am
NO, you're not wrong for not wanting to go...i know that i would not go if she was my friend...i mean if she has everything going for her...has she tried online dating?? There's lots of places to meet single guys, i think that she loves dating married men because they will never be any commitment from them and she is free to do whatever she wants too...don't beat yourself up about this you are doing what is best for you.

Just my 2 cents!