Dating an older man, any opinions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Dating an older man, any opinions?
4
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 12:32pm
Hey there,

I've been dating a man older than myself (by 18 years) for almost 8 months now. He actually looks younger for his age and I look a fair bit older. We're crazy about eachother and get along grea; but lately he's been having second thoughts on everything because he thinks "society" will just take him as a pervert for dating someone younger thus never accepting us. Whenever we went out I never once noticed anyone look at us strange, what do you think? Will people ever just let us be happy and in love?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 4:23pm
Well I come from the angle of experience, please take my word that he is making the wrong move to call in the suggestion that this is perversion. It means he is not intune with you. You feel elated and romantic, and he tells you it's really perversion. Let me tell you from experience, that he was just playing you and he is setting you up to have a real pervert jump into his shoes when he decides he has had enough. Get cold to him and cease this relationship over time. Respecct yourself. Don't be a woman who was there for him in a real way, and then has to feel like he is teaching her an aspect of the relationship that was not in the original bargain. I just feel like the next step for him is going to be to act disrespectful in public with you to get the point across. I have been in your shoes, where the older guy turns away from being guide and teacher and becomes assailant, and gives you some hard knocks. Then you wonder why you ever let yourself trust them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 5:01pm
dont worry about what others think. if he is having second thoughts about your relationship cause of the age difference it might be he is telling you he not sure he wants to continue this.He is probably feeling guilty for going out with someone younger then him.My advice is to talk to him and see how he really feels for you and should you continue this relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 7:50pm
I usually just lurk on this board, but I wanted to add my 2cents. First of all, you need to sit down and talk to him and find out exactly how HE feels. By telling you that he feels "society" will just take him for a pervert, may be his way of backing off or it could be his way of telling you that he's afraid of what others will think. Only he can tell you how he feels. Age gap relationships can and do face speculations, questions and nasty remarks at times from others. But in turn, like any other relationship, they can be a relationship filled with love and respect for each other.

My advice to you is talk to him, communication is VERY important in any relationship. If he is only afraid what "society" will think, then give him time to see if he can over come that fear. If it is his way of telling you that he is backing off, then it may be time for you to move on.

I know first hand what being in an age gap relationship is all about. My DF is 26 years older than I am. We are to be married in the spring. For more advice, you may want to visit the May-December Relationship Board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 2:48pm
Hi Angel,

I tried posting this the other day, and I'm not sure if I just hit preview or if it actually posted and disappeared....but I'll try again.

As to your original question about "will society ever accept you" my answer is yes. My father is 19 1/2 years older than my mother and they've been together 40 years now. My mom was 24 and my dad was 43 when they first met. My dad was a respected doctor with an established medical practice in a very small town. My mom was a young nurse fresh out of college. They met, fell in love, got married, and my mom immediately got pregnant (they married on Oct 31, my sister was born Aug 13). My mom had to put up with a whole lot of sly looks, and snide comments when they first got married. Rumors were that she only married him for his money, or because she had to because she was knocked up. She ignored them and went about her business and eventually, society, with their short attention span forgot about them and turned their mean little minds elsewhere. By the time I came along (6 years and the third kid later) I think we were pretty well accepted as a family. And 40 years into their marriage, nobody ever gives it a second thought.

This was also my fathers second marriage. He too was already going through a divorce when he met my mom...the divorce was filed BEFORE they met...and there were fights over custody and child support for my two half sisters. His first wife was also jealous...even though she left him and filed for divorce, she would call and start fights and do everything she could to cause problems between my mom and dad. But that only lasted for the first few years of their marriage, then the girls were on their own, and she didn't have a reason to call anymore. In the greater scheme of things the first couple of years were such a short time period in their 40 years together (so far).

However, my dad brought a lot of baggage into their marriage from his first marriage and they had a lot of fights and issues to deal with, as I suspect you may have to deal with if this relationship continues.

I guess my main point here is what society thinks really doesn't matter...they have a mean but short attention span, and they'll stop noticing in time. What matters is what YOU both think about each other, the relationship...and the age difference. Its possible he's just using the age as an excuse, maybe he has other concerns as well and the age difference is a convenient excuse. But he has to decide for himself what he thinks of the relationship. If he really is uncomfortable with it, or feels like he's a pervert because you are so young, I'm not sure there's anything you can do to change it. Many of us go through life with certain hang-ups that mold how we live. I think your best bet is to have a completely honest talk...and try to find out if the age difference is the issue, or if there are other issues going on and age is an excuse.

Best of luck to you!

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