dating a younger man

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
dating a younger man
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 11:53am
I've been dating a younger man for almost 2 years now. Initially I held back on my emotions because of the age, however gradually he won me over, heart & soul. Now, I actually believe this is what makes our relationship amazing.

I also have a 14 year old daughter, who is only 11 years younger then he is.

Not too long ago he mentioned all of us moving in together. My first reaction was fear! How would this change our relationship? After many hours of thinking about this, I began to feel really excited (and nervous) about this... We made a list of everything that we wanted in a home and we actually went house hunting. Last night he brought up his concern in moving in together. He said that when he first brought it up, he was in a state of complete depression and because I was totally there for him, he felt like he really wanted to live together, and that he couldn't live without me. Because my daughter is 14, she can be somewhat difficult at times, and this is what he is not sure he can deal with. He said, what if I come home from a hard day at work, and my daughter's attitude starts flying, will he be able to handle it. He doesn't think so... I am completely devastated here. I love this man, but I also really love my daughter. ANd the reality is, my daughter is not going away, and this isn't going to change. Should I stay in this relationship, even though I feel completely crushed right now, or do I end it and face that maybe this age thing is a problem? How do I break the news to my daughter that we're NOT all moving in together? Please help... Any advice is appreciated...thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 1:36pm
You're in a tough position right now, and I'm afraid I can't put much of a positive spin on your situation.

Not to sound harsh, but it sounds to me like he certainly doesn't mind you being there for him, but doesn't want to necessarily reciprocate (unable to deal with you having a bad day at work and your DD being in a bad mood?). And if he's not sure if he can always deal with your DD, do you think that will change in 6 months, a year, two years? What if you were to ever have your own child with him? Would he be able to deal with that?

While I'm sure it will be difficult, I think you should just end things and move on. There are men out there who are more than capable of dealing with you, kids, and anything else that might come along.

As for how your DD will take this, she may be disappointed at first. This may be a learning opportunity for her, though. Sometimes disappointing things happen in life, and sometimes we're faced with difficult choices, but you do what you think is best.

I wish you the best of luck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 9:12am
You really are in a tough spot. I don't think it is necessarily the age thing that is a problem, but he can't handle your DD's moods??? What kind of temper does he have? Do you think your daughter will be crushed that you aren't all moving in together... or do you think that maybe looking at the big picture that your DD could learn from seeing how you let yourself be treated as to set an example for her future relationships?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 2:11pm

First let me say that my step-father is only 13 years older than I am, but I've known him for most of my life, so the age thing was hardly ever an issue.

Next, let me say that I'm not sure your daughter would be hurt by hearing that you aren't moving in together. This man apparently isn't ready for that, but I don't think it's any reason to QUIT the relationship. Why can't things stay the way they are for a while longer? You didn't mention how much younger he was than you, but I can't imagine it would be so horrendously young that waiting a couple years or so would hurt anyone.

Just my two cents.


Loving wife to David (3-2