Feeling Down Today!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Feeling Down Today!!!
17
Fri, 12-04-2009 - 5:28pm

Hi Guys,


I'm feeling just plain down today!

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Fri, 12-04-2009 - 5:33pm

I've been going through something really similar. Well -- was a few months ago. I let it go too long because I didn't know how to bring it up in a way that didn't sound like I was pushing for an engagement, but still get the information I needed. I can't even remember how the conversation started, but I finally just let all of my thoughts pour out (along with some tears because I'd waited so long and was just soooo frustrated from waiting so long to talk to him). I actually do want to get married and I am ready to do that now. And I really needed to know where he was on this -- if he was thinking about this at all and where his head was.

I would just just be completely direct. Do it at a time when you two can be alone and nothing is going to come up to end the conversation. And make sure you assure him that your goal is not to pressure him, you just want to know what he wants for the two of you in the future and what kind of timeline. And if he hasn't thought about it at all, that you want him to think about it!!

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SDFX
siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Fri, 12-04-2009 - 5:57pm

Thanks Julia.


I'm with you.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Fri, 12-04-2009 - 9:38pm

It turned out good.

Actually, I remember a bit more specifics now. We're both currently renting (separate apartments -- we don't live together). He's wanted to buy a house for quite a while now, but wasn't taking the steps to do that. When he started talking like he was going to get the ball rolling on that, it was just the last straw for me. I couldn't let him take such a tangible step toward his future without knowing how I fit in to his future!! I kind of jokingly brought it up a few times, like when he'd talk about buying a house, I'd slyly and ask, "And who's going to live in your house?" And he'd say, "Well, me!" And I'd say, "That's it? Just you?" And then I'd let the subject drop. But it finally got to the point where I really needed an actual conversation -- I needed to know where he stood. The tear-filled conversation was just the first of many. And I don't want this to get too long. But the gist of it is I'm ready to get married ... he's not quite there yet. I come from a very stable family and he had a really difficult childhood (which is putting it VERY mildly). He wants to be with me, he love me, and he's comfortable with the idea of spending the rest of our lives together. But he doesn't really know what a healthy marriage is or looks like and the public aspects of it make him uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. He's still thinking about it and, while it's not exactly what I wanted, I feel SOOOO much better now that the lines of communication are open.

One of the things that really helped me is to try to understand where he's thinking and to have him help me do that. We had to get to the point where things weren't so emotional that I'd burst into tears every time it was brought up. And we've had a few snugly, happy, day-dreamy conversations. He basically said that one of the things that makes him apprehensive is that it's such an unknown thing to him. So I said, "Well, what do you *think* it would be like?" And we talked about what we both wanted -- what kind of house we wanted to live in, what kind of life we'd want to build together as a married couple, what our day-to-day life would be like. I think those conversations were pleasant for both of us. The made me feel more hopeful and connected to him and they made him less uncertain about what the whole thing would entail. We're not there yet and I still feel frustrated from time to time (like when a friend of mine from college got engaged to her boyfriend of 8 months last weekend!!), but we're getting there I think.

I know your situation is a lot different. But I think just asking him where his head is, and what he wants in the future and where you fit in to that would be a good start for you. And I think it will make you feel better to hear him tell you. Or maybe even to get the ball rolling. Maybe he hasn't even started thinking about getting married with everything that's going on with his kids. I don't think pressure is a good thing, but letting him know that this is bothering you might make him realize that he needs to start thinking about this!! And if he already is, than you'll know!

Good luck. These topics can be a bit difficult to navigate -- even with someone you're in love with and really close to. But I'm sure you'll feel 100% better after a good conversation.

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SDFX
siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 12:47pm

Thanks Julia,


We had a little bit of alone time this weekend.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 3:46pm

I'm sorry you're having a rough time with this, Kristie.

First, don't let the outside world pressure you. It is the stupid holidays -- it causes people to create all sorts of pressure that shouldn't be there.

Second, how does DD17 get any say in this?? She might not want you two to get married yet, but it is absolutely NOT her call. It is up to D and you. Period.

D. deserves to be happy and his whole life does not revolve around her.


Third, after the holiday craziness has passed, I definitely would bring it up with D. I would just state your own perspective very clearly. "D. I love you. I see a long future with you. I see us getting married someday soon. I just wanted you to know."


That gives him something to mull over without having to have a heavy conversation right then. Just say how you feel - get it out there. Then, the ball is in his court.

HUGS. I know it is hard.



AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 5:16pm

Thanks AJ!,


I hate that D's DD17 thinks she has so much say in this.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 6:02pm

Definitely sending you some good vibes and thoughts for luck and patience.


Also sending a few D.'s way that he knows his own mind and heart and isn't heeding DD17's whining. :)

You are a good catch! He knows that. Now he just needs to pull himself together.


Hang in there!


AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 7:04pm

Thanks AJ - I needed a pat on the back!!! :0)

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2008
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 8:37am

kristie... tall girl co, is right...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 12:16pm
All D has to do is talk to me.
 

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