Friend invited my X to her wedding~ HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Friend invited my X to her wedding~ HELP
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 5:29pm
My childhood friend asked me to be in her wedding. We haven't been close in many many years... I think I got together with her like twice a year for the last 10 years... if even that much. And the truth of the matter is, when I look back at the past, I seem to remember she was very unkind to me throughout the years. She has always responded with disapproval to most everything I say or do. She has been snide and snippy with me. I always feel very uncomfortable around her. I feel like I can't relax and be myself because she will always be there - scrutinizing me and being snobby in her usual fashion. While I was dating my ex boyfriend, I would go to his apartment to meet him and find notes from her taped to his door that read "Hi Matt, I was in the neighborhood and just thought I'd drop by and say "Hi" Love, Jen.". She had a boyfriend at the time - but I still felt it odd and inappropriate. I dated that guy for six years. It was very serious. We were engaged and living together at one point. But the relationship eventually failed and I left him. He later bitterly told me that he had to go to therapy to "get over" me. One night, I was out dining with Jen and I said "thanks for staying friendly with Matt despite our split. He doesn't have many friends out here and it is comforting to know that you are there for him." Her reply to me was - in an extremely snobby and snippy voice - "I'm not doing you a favor. Matt is my friend, you know."

Anyhow - time went on and I got married. I spoke briefly to Matt around that time and told him I was married. He seemed very upset. I haven't spoken to him since. My husband knows about my relationship with Matt and he is uncomfortable with it. He requested when we met that I cut off all ties with him, and I have.

Now, my friend Jen is getting married. She asked me to be in her wedding. I asked her if Matt was invited and she said yes. I told my husband and he is very upset. I feel like Jen has betrayed me. I have told her before that my husband is uncomfortable with my past relationship. I told her my ex had to go to therapy after our breakup. But she went and invited him to her wedding anyhow. I'm shocked because I don't think she is any closer to my ex than she is to me! I feel now like telling her I'm out of her wedding. It just has the potential of being too upsetting for me, my husband and my ex. Besides, she is not a close friend as far as I'm concerned. And if anything, my memories of our time together are not very good. I called her earlier and left a message - but I am petrified of telling her. She has an effect on me where she makes me very nervous. I've never stood up to her in my life - and this is not like me in general. I always defend myself. But I've never been able to with her.

HELP! What should I do? What should I say to her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 4:52pm
I hear 2 things in your message:

1. She's not much of a friend.

2. You're not being assertive with her.

You need to get assertive. Now. Assertiveness is not angry, "you're always doing this" kind of's "I understand that you need this, but in order for me to feel good/okay/etc about this situation here is what *I* need."

The way to do this is to have a frank, calm discussion with your "friend" and remind her how uncomfortable the ex makes you & your husband feel. Also remind her that you've spoken with her about this. Tell her you realize it's her day and she can invite whoever she wants, but you also have a right *not* to be placed in situations that make you feel uncomfortable and violate agreements between you and your significant other. Therefore, you won't be able to be in her wedding. If she still wants you to attend the wedding as a guest, you'll talk with your husband to see if he'd feel comfortable with that (I'm guessing your husband's invited to this event too? If not, you just need to cancel your participation in the thing, period).

My guess (from my own experience with being assertive with a so-called "friend" like yours) is that this announcement will effectively end your friendship and there will be no more wedding crap and other bad/inconsiderate behavior from this individual for you to deal with. Good riddance. She'll say horrible things about you behind your back and maybe even to your face but that's going to say a lot more about her than you, sweetie. I think you already know how she feels about herself...I do, and I don't know her. Just let this one go. Ten years of mistreatment is long enough.

Or, if you're not comfortable being assertive, you can always claim that something came up and you're not going to be able to be in the wedding or to attend. Then, quietly (and firmly) disappear from her life. She sounds like bad news--make healthier, more secure friends in the future:-)

I hope this gave you some ideas...good luck,


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 5:12pm
Thanks for your response, Amy.

I actually had the conversation with her earlier today. I told her that I am very uncomfortable with the situation... as is my husband, and - undoubtedly - my ex boyfriend. She sounded shocked on the phone - and asked what she could do to make the situation better. I said there was nothing that could be done - as the invites have already been sent - and she obviously can't un-invite my ex. She asked me to just be in the ceremony and then skip the reception - but I explained that my husband would still be uncomfortable, just knowing I am in the same room with my ex. I apologized all over myself and offered to take her and her fiance out to dinner some night to have a private celebration. She started crying and hung up the phone on me. I don't think I've ever heard her cry in the entire 27 years I've known her! I was crying at that point, too.

But I think I did the right thing. I'm sure she will badmouth me to her family and friends. Hopefully - they might understand my point of view? But it doesn't really matter, anyhow... because I never see any of them.

This whole thing is unfortunate - but I am proud of myself for being assertive in this situation and doing what was right for me and my husband.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 6:09pm
Delurking just to say I think you did the right thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 12:18pm
Good work.

Edited 2/9/2004 12:20:19 PM ET by schafercindy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 7:35pm
Don't just "think"you did the right thing,you did do the right thing!! You should be proud of yourself,and your husband should be proud of you too. You faced something that was very emotional and you overcame it and did what needed to be done.