HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
HELP!!!
7
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 12:56pm

Okay guys - I'm not sure where to start.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: cl_krist143
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 4:17pm

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. What a difficult conversation and difficult things to hear.

{{{{HUGS}}}}


I would not give up hope, but I would also stick to your guns on things you know would be dealbreakers for you. If a prenup is a dealbreaker, say so.


I think you are right to want to find out more details on why he wants a prenup. It might even be worth going to couples' counseling to uncover some underlying issues that maybe he hasn't even thought of yet. (If you do, find someone who specializes in divorce and blended families.) After two years, he should know you well enough to trust that you won't be like the crazy ex.

As for "bonding" more with the girls -- you know this one is close to my own heart and situation. At the end of the day, he cannot force your relationship with the girls. It is what it is, and he must let go of any false ideas of you as a fill-in mom figure.


You can like them - even love them - spend time with them, enjoy them -- but you can't force feelings and affections that aren't there. They need time to develop on their own and in their own way. Very likely, your relationship with the girls might never match D.'s "dream" of what family looks like -- but that doesn't mean you can't be a family unit.

Finally, your primary relationship is with D. -- not the girls. That is very important. Your relationship with the girls should have no bearing on your relationship with D. (If you couldn't stand each other - that might be cause for concern, but you obviously care about both girls). The only reason you have a relationship with the girls in the first place is because you love D. He's your reason for being there.

I think it is SO GOOD that you guys are talking. You might be surprised at what other conversations will come of this. Don't shut down -- keep that dialogue flowing.

Also, be real with yourself. If you truly aren't getting what you need, then you can decide that for you.

GOOD LUCK. I will be thinking of you.


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Anniversary


My blog:
Marriage, step-parenthood and enjoying life.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
In reply to: cl_krist143
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 5:39pm

Thanks AJ!!


 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: cl_krist143
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 6:34pm

>> So at least we can do this now so that we can both feel good about getting married if/when this happens.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
In reply to: cl_krist143
Sat, 12-26-2009 - 4:03am

Hmmmm ... well, here's my opinion for what it's worth ...

I don't think a prenup is a bad idea. I actually think every couple should do this prior to getting married! And it seems especially for you guys since he has children that aren't related to you. But a prenup should be about what happens if you somehow split up. It shouldn't mean that you don't combine your lives and live like a married couple! In fact, it should give him the peace of mind he needs to combine your lives knowing that there is a plan for pulling them apart should it come to that. So you don't have to live your lives in his and hers categories anymore. It's not necessary to draw a line down the middle of the room if everything is already labeled in the prenup, kwim?

I'm not sure how I feel about you both keeping your houses ... it seems like he's leaving the back door open in case it doesn't work out. If it doesn't work out, you guys can figure that you and since you own a home on your own, I'm sure you'd be able to figure something out if you and he were to split up. I don't think that's something you plan on, you just hope everything works out and know that if it doesn't, you'll both land on your feet. He should trust that you won't take him to the cleaners, but given the fact that he's been burned in the past, a prenup makes sense ... but then he needs to trust the prenup and get on with combining your lives!! At some point, he's going to have to have some faith and jump in with both feet!

As for his girls, I get that you're not a physically affectionate person. I don't think you need to take the anutie thing literally. But some people are very close to their aunts and uncles. I am. I always was. And I would confide in them all the time! Still do actually! I'm also really close to my sister and I'm sure she'll be like a second mother to my children. But that's beside the point. I think what the meant is that he does want you to be someone his kids trust and confide in. But he shouldn't be putting all of that responsibility on you!! He should also be telling his girls that he would like them to give you more of a chance and take the time to get to know you. And he should be also be showing them with his actions and the way he treats you that you are around for good and that they can't sabotage your relationship by withholding their affection. If they know that they can postpone this marriage or even destroy your relationship if they just keep their emotional distance from you, then they may do it!! He needs to get the message across to them that they are not in control! And he needs to recognize the effort you're putting forth and realize that this isn't easy for you!

I really think your SO needs to take more responsibility for all of this. And what I would recommend now is scheduling times for you two to talk about this and also time limits. Like maybe an hour. And even if you still have things you need to resolve, after an hour, stop talking and schedule the next time you're going to talk. I would also recommend you let him know some things you need him to do and change. I would start with him coming up with exactly what he would put in a prenup! And I would probably let him know that he shares responsibility in his daughters warming up to you!! He needs to show them that you are a priority and that they can't sabotage that. They're not going to really accept you until they know you're permanent. I think he's going about this backwards! Neither my fiancé nor I have any children, but my family warmed up to him much more when we got engaged!! It's hard to get close to someone that you know you could lose at any moment if their relationship ends. If you and your SO break up, the girls will lose you. Right now that would be easy. If you guys bond, it would be really hard. They're not going to bond with you until they feel they can trust your relationship with their father. He's making it seem like a marriage is contingent on your relationship with his daughters ... I don't think he realizes how much your relationship with him affects your relationship with them! If he's not sure about you, how can he expect them to be?!

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SDFX
siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2009
In reply to: cl_krist143
Sat, 12-26-2009 - 11:40am

<<>>

I agree with Julia on this 110%!

I've shied away from this post because quite frankly, I would be out of there if I were you :-/ To me it sounds like your guy is putting too much of the pressure on YOU and kind of blaming you for things. That doesn't seem right to me.

Of course I think you should build a relationship with his girls if you guys are going to be together long term, and I definitely think there is SOME responsibility on your part to do so. BUT (and this is JMHO) it seems to me that they are his daughters and you're his girlfriend and this whole situation is MORE his responsibility (to make it work). From what you've told us, it sounds like he is trying to make it more your responsibility than his own. If he doesn't think you and the girls are bonding enough, he needs to facilitate that by creating trust (as Julia posted) and opportunities to get you and the girls talking, sharing, having quality time together. That is something that will be much easier coming from him, IMO, than if you're just blindly trying to forge a relationship with them. After all he's known his daughters their entire lives, and you have not!

I have never agreed with the POV some single parents seem to have of, "Love me, love my kids, or hit the highway". I mean of COURSE they don't want someone who doesn't get along with their kids or doesn't care about their wellbeing etc. But I think the relationship between the parent and bf/gf is most important and when that relationship is strong and happy, the kids will usually be happier too. I mean, to look at the whole thing another way...my friend M married a woman primarily because he LOVED her daughter and loved the idea of this happy little family they could have. Of course he didn't say that but we could all tell. And I think the woman was so thrilled that this guy was going to be a great dad for her daughter that she overlooked a lot of things...and wound up divorcing M pretty quickly. It was a total disaster for the little girl and all involved. Meanwhile, my dad and stepmom were very happy and stable in their marriage and at first (age 13) I HATED my stepmom and resented her. Over time our relationship grew and by adulthood I thought of her as a cherished member of the family and genuinely like her a lot. She made an effort, and so did my dad. I wasn't always willing to accept her though...even when she was really nice to me, sometimes I felt like it was being disloyal to my mother to "like" the stepmom...kwim? I think that is realllllllly natural and your bf should realize it!

I truly do wish you a lot of luck in this and I hope that your boyfriend will start to see things a LOT more fairly.

Angela




Edited 12/26/2009 11:47 am ET by diggingforfire
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2008
In reply to: cl_krist143
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 8:54am

OK KEEP YOUR WITS!!!.. KRISTIE... but

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
In reply to: cl_krist143
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 2:10pm

Thanks everyone for you input!!