i feel horrible and it's all my fault

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010
i feel horrible and it's all my fault
Wed, 02-05-2014 - 8:57pm

I stayed friends with a guy who I had 3 or 4 dates with (and yes we were intimate) - I broke up with him for various reasons and it turns out these reasons made me feel sorry for him, which in turn made me worry about him and eventually fall in love him.... now whenever I talk to a guy (mostly on dating websites) I feel like I am cheating on my friend.  I was the one to break up with him, but then when I asked him to get back together, he asked if  I want children (I'm 38 and he's 39) and I said most likely not (we briefly discussed this after I broke up with him- another long story).  He said no to reconciliation, so we became friends with benefits... big mistake.  Now I just love him more.  I feel so sorry for him. 

I broke up with him because when I joined his Facebook I realized he is still good friends with his ex. I mean there were pics dated back 4 yrs and their friends commented "cute couple." So she has to be his ex.  They bought a cat together - he still visits the cat and posts recent pics on his Facebook. They were together 4 yrs and have mutual friends so this explains the reason they are still friends, besides their child, oh the cat I mean. The thing is, they are both born in Europe from the same country and have mutual friends from the same country.  

Honest, he is very good looking.   I don't understand why he can't meet anyone.  I'm still single too, but I mean this guy works construction and has a great body, the perfect muscular sized arms, such GREEN eyes, he looks American.  I can't see how a girl hasn't caught him yet. I met him on a dating website and I see he still logs in. He has a heavy accent. I'm thinking he emails with a lot of girls on the site, or when he meets them in person or talks on the phone, his heavy European accent scares them away, or they assume he needs a green card (which he does).  

Plus, his profile has a few English errors.  Also, with  his job, he never has the same hours or is always working in different locations depending on projects.  I just feel that it's hard for him to meet girls because their schedules don't match. Even when we were friends with benefits, it was so hard to meet up. What guy would choose to work over having sex?  The overtime pay?   If he is sick or can't work, he doesn't get paid. Maybe that is why.

I know I am digressing, but I can't help but feel sorry for him. IDK!!

The fact that he needs a green card and has not taken advantage of me being American says a lot about him. He really wants children.  So I guess a green card is not so important to him.  He wants it ALL, the green card, wife and kids.

And another point is, whenever I ask him if he is dating anyone, he says no.  We had a huge fight over his ex GF and their cat.  The cat lives with his ex but when she had major knee surgery, she asked him to take care of the cat for a month but he lives like an hour away (she couldn't ask her friends who live closer? Plus she asks him to put in the AC every summer - whatr about her Super?).   The point is, we had a HUGE fight where I said nasty things to his ex (via Facebook email - I never met her).  He accepted my apology.  

We were texting when he accepted my apology so now we have plans to meet to discuss in person. But overall, maybe he is keeping me on the back burner in case he doesn't meet anyone.  Ok, I just had to get this off my chest.   I feel better now.  My closest friend is married with 2 kids and she doesn't have time for me to explain it all.  We have dinner once a month and I dont' want to waste a meal talking about one subject.  

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 02-05-2014 - 9:40pm

Honestly, these posts are getting into weird territory now.  You are obsessing over a man who went on ONLY a few dates with you, apparently just to have sex, and who may, or may not, have asked you to marry him in order to make him a legal resident.  And has since broken up with you.  You are stalking him on FB.  You are posting about him continuously.  You need to get some counseling.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010
Thu, 02-06-2014 - 8:41pm

You're wrong aboout the stalking.  I never stalked him on Facebook.  He willingly accepted my friend request.  Yes, we had 3 or 4 dates but we remained friends for 2 years.   Ok, it's a free country, we all have freedom of speech.  Thanks for your reply.  Maybe that is why most immigranst want to live here like my European friend.   Go and utilize your freedom of speech on other posts now. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Fri, 02-07-2014 - 8:22pm

I have to agree that this sounds pretty weird. You admit that you and this guy are just friends and unlikely to ever be anything more than that because he wants to find someone that wants kids. But you said nasty things to his ex (who you've never met) regarding their friendship or relationship; and fight with him about how he conducts that same friendship, even though none of it is any of your concern. What does it matter to you if he drives an hour to feed the cat? Its his time and his life. Maybe he's still in love with the ex, maybe he feels obligated, but as a friend you have to accept his good and bad points or stop being friends with him. You sound way too involved in his business, like he IS your bf and its disloyal to you when he does things for his ex.

You say you feel sorry for him, but maybe he feels sorry for you. Possibly he can see that you are in love with him even though he does not reciprocate. Why would he chose work over sex? Maybe he prefers for sex to be part of a meaningful love relationship, not everybody likes FWB indefinitely. There's no reason to feel guilty about other guys because you are not in a relationship with Mr Green Eyes. IMO you should cool the friendship with him. Its harder to stop being in love with him if you keep talking to him, and while you're in love with him you won't be open to other guys.