Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Need advice
3
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 3:09pm
What would you girls do..I have been with my b/f for almost two years. We did stuff all the time and the last 5 months he at 33 has decided that he wants to pick up the guitar again. That is all he wants to do. So he is either practicing all day or going to auditions or hanging out with different bands. I never see him anymore we do live together and i see him when we go to bed and maybe a movie once a week. That is not enough for me. We use to talk about marriage and kids now all that has gone out the window. Should i wait it out or leave him. I am so unhappy all the time now. I miss him and am pissed off at him all the time. Any advice????

p.s i have told him this many times and we just end up in a huge fight about it and break up. I never seem to make it out the door....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: iconfusedgirl
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 4:18pm
Are you musical at all? If you are, ask to join him sometimes when he's jamming...or ask him if he could teach you a simple song on the guitar. It's the ol' "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" adage at work here! Besides, you showing interest in something he really enjoys might make your relationship better (even if you have to PRETEND to like it for a little while). The novelty really will wear off eventually.

Rebecca
Loving wife to David (3-2

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
In reply to: iconfusedgirl
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 10:36am
Thanks,

I tried to learn the piano but i hated it. When he gets into a band i will definatly go and watch. I do try and support him. He shows me all the new gadgets he gets and he showed me how to restring his guitar. I even gave him money to buy a new one that he wanted for his birthday. I am just getting so lonely, he has no time for me anymore. I hope that you are right and the newness goes away. That is what other people have said, once he is in a band and has to be there when he had to work all day it wont be as great. Part of it is his dad is a musician. pretty well known i guess in Ireland. He has never had much of a relationship with his dad. I feel like he does this in a way for his approval so he has something in common with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2003
In reply to: iconfusedgirl
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 3:58pm
You say that each time you've brought it you guys end up fighting... I've been in enough of these fights that I'm assuming that you probably become emotional and he reacts by getting frustrated (which can easily translate into anger).

He probably feels a bit threatened.. He has found this new source of happiness and may feel that you want to take it away form him. Explain that you WANT him to play and you support him, but you juts don't want him to do it so much. Alos, you can incorporate his music into your relationship. Go to some of his practices, hang out with his friends, go to concerts with him, etc... You may feel like you won't like it, and you may be right, but you owe him enough to at least TRY (HONESTLY try, not just pretend to try) to enjoy the things he likes.

My bf is a guitar player/singer - but he actually does it as a career... But I know what it's like to feel like his music and band members are more important that you... I make an effort to go to EVERY show (he plays locally 3-4 nights a week and throughout the state 1-2 a month) and to help whenever possible. All the other band members have GFs and we all 'hang out' together whenover the 'guys' get together. If they (the band) are practicing we (the GFs) are probably all watching a movie or shopping together... The whole group of us (all band members and their GFs) go out 1-2 times a week, normally after a show or practice. At first I didn't think I would enjoy it - I'm not really into 'metal' music and that's what the band plays. I assumed that all the people involved were the stereotypical 'metal freaks' as people tend to call them... When I actually out EFFORT into liking them I found that they are not like that at all! I've heard all the stuff the guys have recorded solo and I've gotten to see what the girls like to do when they are out of the 'metal' atmosphere.. And I've made them all my FRIENDS! I enjoy hanging out with the band as much as he does!

Now there have been situations in the past where I've tried something that my BF enjoyed, and it didn't work out. For example, a past BF liked going to raves... I wasn't really into it but agreed to try. We went 4-5 times but I never met anyone I WANTED to be around and I always felt uncomfortable with some of what I saw and some of what went on around me. He was very understanding and said I didn't have to go if I didn't want to - be HE did want to... So he continued to go, but no more than twice a month - and I never had to go again.

Had he not been understanding and felt rejected just because we did not have the enjoyment of this specific activity in common, it would be another story. A relationship is all give and take. If something is important to him you have to give it a chance and try to enjoy it yourself and/or be supportive. If you can't enjoy it and/or can' support it, then he has to try to understand. Now it's very possible for certain things to be necessary and that can ruin a relationship.

For example a (another) past BF was from a 'close' spanish family. They all (about 40) got together EVERY weekend. Now he was the youngest of his generation and I was a few yesr younger than him. So most of his family was older than me (his cousins and such were all about 15-20 years older than me) or younger than me (his counsin's kids were all about 10-15 years younger than me) - so I never really fit in. Also, everyone spoke spanish and many spoke little to no english - and I don't know spanish. So I had no one to talk to and nothing to do - EVERY WEEKEND! I eventually explained to him how I felt. He did try to understand but his family was (and probably should have been) more important and it was a serious issue with us. It's one of (if not THE) reason we broke up after almost 2 years...

You have to just be honest and understanding. Explain, honestly, how it makes you feel and try to come up with a COMPRIMISE that will make BOTH of you happy - and try to give it a chance...

Hope This Helps!:)

J.No