Need advice! Nice friend calls too often :/

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Need advice! Nice friend calls too often :/
5
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 11:57am

I have a bit of an issue that I'd like some advice about. I thought this issue would resolve itself but it hasn't really! Now it's just annoying.

I have this friend who calls me too often! I feel silly and even ungrateful saying that, but it's true. I like this friend, and want to continue to be acquaintances, but I don't see this friend as someone who I want to speak with multiple times a week. I'd love to touch base and chat a few times a month, maybe get together for lunch or what have you 1-2x a month. But this person is persistently more intense/clingy/needy than I'm interested being in return. At first I would pick up the phone or return calls out of the desire to be a polite person, but I'd try to keep it brief. Then I would just outright not return calls (sometimes 2-3 calls!) for over a week to give a hint to that person that I only could talk once a week or twice. And why can't I be the one to initiate contact out of the blue?! I'm not given the space to. Instead I'm left with a strange feeling like I'm being manipulated and smothered like I'm obligated?!

I'm not trying to be snobby but I only have so much energy and I have to prioritize how much of that energy I put where in my life. Why can't this friend get that and back off a little? I reeeeeeeally don't want to have to come out and SAY it! Wouldn't most people get the hint by now? What should I do? I want to be friends but not as closely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 03-27-2011 - 8:13am

Dear chanda!

I understand your problem sooo well..I can so relate!! I had a friend who called me- no kidding!!- 110 times in 10days!!!! I stopped picking up! I find this truly impolite and disrespectful towards me!! If she would be a guy I would say this is stalking.. ha ha ha..

She was not even calling to catch up with me or ask anything about me or tell me about her job or studies,-she always talked to me for as long as I would listenabout some guy she met. She had been dumped- if one can use that word because it was not a relationship- by a guy she had been going out for one week. (I am starting to understand why he did that if she behaved with him the same way as with me.. hi hi.. sorry, bad joke ;))

Sad, but not my problem! At first I got involved because I felt sorry. This was exactly what she wanted. She wanted to use me to make this guy change his mind! But she did not say that. I found out only later.

A little hint: if you *feel* manipulated there is a big chance you might be!

Ask yourself if you want this manipulation,- some people like being manipulated if

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sun, 03-27-2011 - 10:52am

Thank you for your reply. I was beginning to wonder if I'm the only one who has had this issue. This is actually the first time I've ever dealt with anything like this.

Your situation sounds like it was very frustrating as well! I have to agree with you, for some people it does not matter what you do/say, they still won't learn. I talked to my sister about this, and we both agreed that to actually come out and tell the friend the problem would defeat the fact that I don't want to be *that* close. People like that would LIKE the codependent oriented discussion. Which is why I don't want to talk about it.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 12:35am

Is this a new friend?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 9:30am

Thanks 2nd_Life.

I did say something to that effect a long time ago...I've known her for just over a year. It's been going on - on and off for about 6 months. When it first started I actually told her to please just call once and I will return your call when I can. She would do that for a while but then suddenly get incessant about it again after a few weeks of it being normal. I just don't even want to call her back now! Ever. I feel very manipulated by this person and I don't like it. I honestly don't understand why she is trying to force a person to be a certain way. It feels like she's on a mission to control me or something! I'm just not that way with my friends at all. I have several really good friends who I never even remotely have this issue with. We might go a month without talking then talk and its like no time went by at all.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 12:30am

I don't blame you for wanting to end the friendship.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_