need your thoughtful perspectives...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
need your thoughtful perspectives...
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 4:34pm
I am in the the midst of a trying time in my marriage, and I really need your perspective on what I should be considering and what I might do next.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2008
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 9:49am

OK FIRST OFF... HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS....!!!!!!!!!! seems like you could use a few none judgemental hugs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 2:57pm

First off my prayers and possitive thoughts are with you!!

I'm going to be very honest that I may not be the best person to answer your questions as my X had an affair on me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 9:36am

I am so sorry for what you are going through! And I have been in a similar situation before... Are you sure you want to save your marriage? Are you sure it is possible at all to save it??? You know, I have wasted YEARS of my life, trying to make everybody around me happy... forgetting about my own needs... Do you think that any therapy can make you feel attracted to your husband? It hasn't happened in all those years, why now? The physical attraction is either there or not... and there is NOTHING you can do about it... Having an affair is the typical sign there is something wrong in your marriage... Your affair is something that distracts you from the everyday life... it might be fun, but it doesn't mean it will last, if you two get together... What (in my humble opinion) you need to do is be on your own for as long as you need... to learn to be responsible again... to make your own decisions... you have no idea how much fun it is to be independent! I lived with someone for 3 years and was, just like you, totally dependent on him for everything... and trust me, I wasn't happy about it at all... and I just couldn't change it... until one beautiful summer day we split up... and that was the best thing that ever happened to me... I could make mistakes again... my very own mistakes... I was responsible for my own life again... I loved being on my own... Now I have a new partner, he is 12 years older and loves taking care of me... But I won't allow myself to become dependent on someone else again... and believe me, relationships can be a lot of fun... if the physical attraction is there... from what I read, you are vegetating... you are not LIVING... I would be very unhappy... and what is most important... you don't need someone else to make you happy... but you can share your happiness with someone else... I know, and I completely understand that you don't want to hurt your husband by leaving him... but you are hurting yourself by staying... and your priority should be YOUR OWN HAPPINESS... he will survive without you and he might even be grateful to you one day... I wouldn't pursue the affair, if I were in your position... getting together with the other guy is not the answer to your problems... and I wouldn't stay in this marriage... You can only grow up on your own!

Good luck and keep us posted!