Newbie Needs Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Newbie Needs Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 12:24pm
I usually post in the housewives group but, may need a little help from this group as well.

Please help! This person is VERY important to me!

I am really at a loss and need any input you ladies can give me. One of my best friends has been married to a really sweet good looking guy for almost 5 years. Her and her husband have a really good marriage and have always been very close. My 30 yr. old friend is the type of person who has always been very stable, responsible, and level headed and the bread winner in her family. This past year she has worked hard to lose a lot of weight and now feels sexy for the first time in her life although her husband thought she was beautiful all along. In the beginning of January, she accepted a position that has quickly advanced her in her field; meanwhile, her 32 yr. old husband has never seemed motivated (at least to me) enough to break into the industry in which he got a degree and has always worked in a very blue collar job. To make a long story short, my friend began working with a man, who is a leader in their field. This man recently relocated out of state to be close to his 7 yr old son through a previous marriage. This man began flirting with my friend and has stirred up a flood of emotions she has never felt before and it is causing her to take stock of her life. Before she met him, she never realized how much it meant to her to have an intellectual equal. She does not want to hurt her husband, but she does not even know how to deal with the flood of emotions she is feeling. She and this man have discussed the fact that there is definitely chemistry between them but, neither of them would ever pursue it as long as she is married. I am the only person she has told and I feel like she is dependent on me to keep her level headed. I am so torn………. In one respect I have never seen her so….. Dare I say “In Love” but, on the other hand I don’t want to see her sacrifice what has always been undoubtedly the love of her life “right up till the point she met this other man.” Is it possible to fall out of love so easily or could this be something she has subconsciously wanted all along? What should I tell her? How can I help her think this through? I know this post is long girls but, I really need the help of all the women on this board who seem so wise and are each in different stages of this journey we call life. I wouldn’t even ask but my friend is a great person, one of the kindest, most giving and considerate people I know. Someone I have always admired and respected but, more confused right now than she has ever been in her life!

I would appreciate any put you girls might have. Thanks in advance!

If there is anything you would like to share in a more private manner, you may e-mail me at


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:25am

This sentence struck me as odd, "Her and her husband have a really good marriage and have always been very close." If that really was the case, then she wouldn't be looking for love elsewhere. Or maybe that was just the impression you got of her marriage...I don't know.

In any case, let me describe to you my own situation and maybe you can come up with the words for your friend.

About six years ago, I was married to my college sweetheart. I thought I had everything, but my marriage lacked passion and fun. My husband was manipulative. So I started looking elsewhere for fun. At first it started off with more time spent with my girlfriends until one night a friend of mine brought a guy out with us. He was cute, charming, funny and very good looking. I was immediately attracted. At that moment, this guy was giving me everything I was missing from my own marriage. He, too, became instantly attracted to me, but knew I was married. Time passed and we'd talk on the phone occasionally. Then we started meeting for lunch, then for after-work drinks and then it turned into an affair. The good news is, I eventually divorced my first husband and married this man and we now have a child together. But that fairy tale doesn't work for everyone. Consider this: I hurt my first husband, his friends and his family. I hurt myself and my own family by acting on my attraction. If I could go back in time, I never would've followed through with my current husband. But it's a double-edged sword for me. I never would've remarried and never would've had my beautiful son.

Your friend is living on the edge. Flirting is OK, but it becomes hurtful when those flirty feelings are acted upon. If your friend is starting to get more serious with this guy at work, she needs to figure out what she's missing with her husband and fix THAT problem.

Also, it's a terrible mess to get involved with people at work. If you say nothing else, make sure she knows that while flirting is OK, acting on it will create chaos in the workplace, at home and in her heart and head!

She's playing with fire here!


Loving wife to David (3-2

Avatar for happychick01
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 11:30am
Oh My

Hmmm if this was my best friend I would ask her what made her fall in love with her hubby in the first place and remind her that her hubby has loved her from day one. Perhaps she feels that this guy is giving her the attention and praise that her hubby is not giving her but would this new guy love her still if she did gain the weight back for I bet her hubby would love her no matter what and in the end its her choice for no matter what she has to decide if she wants to continue to be in her marriage or not and if does fall apart don't blame yourself for as a friend you can only do so much!!! I would continue to talk to her and you can try to convince her till your blue in the face that her hubby is the one for her but once again in the end its her choice - lots of luck and hope things work out for your friend :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 7:33pm
Hey girls, no one responded to my post in this group right away so, I moved it to the housewives web board. So many people have posted since than and the various perspectives are really interesting. Also, so much more has happened with my friend. *Rebecca*, your perspective was completely different and very refreshing. I am really glad that everything worked out for you. I definitely would love to hear more from your perspective especially regarding some of my recent posts under "Newbie Needs Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in the housewives board. It is in the top column. I would definitely like to pick your brain a little more.

Michelle, I appreciate your help as well and would love to get more input from you regarding some of my more recent posts.

Thank you both so much and if I don't hear from you sooner maybe I will catch up with you in 2 years when I turn 30.