OMG! I'm 31 in love with an 18 y-o...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
OMG! I'm 31 in love with an 18 y-o...
6
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 5:34pm
As fellow 30-somethings, what would you ladies regard as too young in dating? He's very mature in a lot of ways, he looks much older and has always dated woman older than him, but I suppose this definitely takes the cake. We're both very much in love, but I'm also trying to be realistic about the challenges we'll face if we decide to take this to the 'M' level like we've discussed. I've always dated men 4-12 years older than me, but most of them did not do very well in treating me like a lady and striving to have a mutually satisfying relationship. I was always doing all the giving. This guy is such a gentleman and he makes me feel very special. We do lots of activities together, we communicate VERY well and we strive to listen and support each other in our endeavors. He totally respects my desire to wait until marriage to get sexually involved. (So it's certainly not like he's my 'boy toy' for sex.) He's simply wonderful. Except he's only 18. Which means he's not financially secure...or anywhere close. He does have a p/t job though. He's just about to start college and I'm just finishing. I'm looking forward to marriage and kids soon, and even though he says he's not bothered by moving to that stage at an early age, I know that he has not have the kind of life experience to handle all of that in the next 2-4 years. He's still living with his parents and his mom is very controlling. (Some have suggested that is why he's so into me is to get away from her.) She loathes the whole idea of us seeing each other, but we haven't let it stop us. I love him dearly, but I don't want him to be rushed into things, nor do I want to be slowed down. I have a good job, no kids, my own place and I've been totally independent for quite some time. Most people want to know what in the world can he do for me, but they can't see the "inside" and the matters of the heart.

Please talk to me, ladies...

drummergirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 7:56pm
Hi drummergirl.

How long have the two of you been dating?

The fact that his Mom is not too keen on the two of you seeing each other is going to be detrimental to the relationship. Family can put a lot a pressure on any relationship and since you love him, you should try to respect that because, after all, if he plays an important part in your life so does his family.

I also see two people who are at very different stages in their lives. You're 31, have a career and are ready to settle down and have a family. He's 18 and getting ready to start college. He's really not in a position to be thinking about starting a family.

I'll admit that I'm a hopeless romantic and feel that love can conquer all; but sometimes I have to pay attention to reality, which isn't always romantic, and realize that some things may not be meant to be.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh and pessimistic about your situation. I'm not saying you should end it; but I don't think that it would be healthy for either one of you to try to move any further in this relationship right now. Being in college and working full time is going to put a great deal of stress in his life and it may not be fair to add marriage and kids to that mix.

At any rate, it's your decision and you have to decide what's best for both of you.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Rebecca

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 9:20am
thanks rebecca for your feedback. to answer your question, we've only been seeing each other since the end of oct. '03. so not that long. i agree that family can put a lot of pressure on, but he's really good about not letting his mom's pressure get to him. she's a whole different story. has been overbearing and controlling of him all his life. he has a lot of resentment about her but does manage to stay cordial and respectable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 6:21pm
Hey there...I meant to reply to you last night, but it was almost 3 AM and I needed to sleep.

It sounds like you've got some real challenges in this relationship. I wouldn't let the mother get to you--he'll have to make some tough choices of his own with that one...you just need to stay out of it yet be supportive (it sounds like you do:-). But like Rebecca said, you're both at very different stages in life. I think this would be a much different situation if he were 30 and you 42. But it's not so much about what he can do for you, as some other people you've talked to have suggested (huh???what is up with that???why is it the man always has to "do" for the woman???)--it's about being fully aware that he may not have some of the life experiences you've had and therefore, at times, your approaches to problems/issues/etc in the relationship and/or life may be totally different. There are challenges that come with that. He's also entering a time of life that you've finished...the positives are your ability to relate and offer your experiences, the negatives are--well, you've been there, done that.

A lot of the success of the relationship will depend on good communication and emotional maturity. But that holds true for any relationship, regardless of who's the oldest and what the ages are. So...I guess what I'm saying is if you want it and the 2 of you have really discussed all important aspects of a committed relationship (finances, children, household expectations, etc etc) and you're feeling good about his responses and v. versa then I say it's your life and let the naysayers know that.

It's a big, serious life choice for both of you:-). Good luck!

~Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 11:26pm
Hey if it works GREAT! Everyone is different, however speaking from experience I was the younger person with a much older guy. At the age of 17 I was dating a 29 yr old man. To make a long story short it didn't work, why you ask? I really only dated in high school and felt I was missing out. So, be prepared that could happen. Good luck and like I said everyone is different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 8:53am
Is this a joke? A 31 year old woman dating an 18 year old guy? Are you going to be going to his high school graduation ceremony? All kidding aside, this is just a kid. I can see an older woman going out with a younger man within reason - but this just doesn't seem like a good combination to me. This kid is just feeling his oats - and at 31, you should have a desire to be with a man who matches your maturity level. I don't blame his parents for being upset. In my opinion, this relationship is not a wise idea - and you will only set yourself up for hurt and a lot of embarrassment. JMO
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 10:20am
It sounds like you've gotten some great advice here so far.

One thing I'd like to add is to keep in mind that if you pursuit this relationship, there's a good chance that he will change in the coming years. I'm not saying it'll be a good change or a bad change. The fact is that, despite the fact you say he's a mature guy, a lot of people haven't "found themselves" yet at 18. His wants, his needs, his goals could very well change in the next few years as he learns more about himself and life.

It sounds like you've given this a lot of careful thought. If you both think you can make this work in the long term, then by all means, go for it.

Best of luck to you!

Jennifer:)