Please Need Yes or no Answer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Please Need Yes or no Answer
11
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 2:40pm

Hello Everyone, I really need your help and your input. Or just a Yes or no will do.


I live with this guy, we are friends with benfits. But where we are living is in his mothers house. We live in the basement. Here whats bothering me. We both get food stamps. We are both working, I'm not working full timenor is he considered full time. So we live in her house together. We use ll your food stamps to go toward us all eating including her too. She doesn't buy anything. As far as food goes. We do all that. My friend her son, does give her money out of each of his paychecks. Because we do use the cable down here also which that doesn't cost her anymore then justher watching it upstairs. But we have the internet down here. She will get on it to check things once and while. So he gives her money out of each paycheck for internet, and also since we shower and wash clothes here. We do buy our own laundry products we don't use hers.

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Gwennie....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 2:46pm

Hi Gwennie,


Welcome to the board!!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2008
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 9:11am

well i lived with my first hubby and his family when we first got together... and we werent legally married at the time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 12:33pm
I just noticed you are a scorpio like me - so Happy Birthday a little late!!! ;0)
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 5:12pm

Wow. I don't think I can give you a yes or no answer -- if I were you, I would find a different living situation. Rent a small place on your own, find some room mates, rent a room in someone's house, do what you have to do ... but I would never live with a FWB and I would certianly never live with a FWBs mother!! I think the whole point of FWB is to avoid any messiness and this situation sees so so so messy -- I just don't see how it's worth it.

I will say though that I feel that when someone who owns a home allows people to live there, they should set the ground rules when the people move in. They should let you know if they expect you to pay rent, utilities, etc and how much they expect you to contribute to household chores, etc. If I were moving into someone else's home, I would make sure those were all established before moving in. It's obviously too late for that and it sounds like she's not going to kick you out if you don't pay some kind of rent. But I would talk to her and your FWB about it and see if you can make some kind of formal arrangement so that she stops being passive aggressive about it (if that's what the complaining is) or you can at least ignore the passive aggressive complaints with a clear conscience.

I think part of why it's so muddy is I kind of expect that if someone allows a family member to live with them due to financial hardship, I wouldn't expect any kind of rent payment. My sister lived with my parents for a while after she graduated from college before she got herself on her feet and they didn't ask her to pay rent or anything. I'm sure that if I lost my job or something like that, my parents would welcome me into their home with open arms. And if I were married and both of us somehow needed a place to stay, I'm sure they would accept both myself and my husband. I think the same rules would apply with close friends if you let them into your home because the had some kind of financial reason for not renting/buying their own place. But I feel like this should always be a temporary arrangement until the person/people get on their feet and can support themselves.

On the other hand, if someone rents a room out in their house to a stranger or acquaintance, obviously they should pay rent.

I think the messiness in your situation comes in because you don't really have any formal relationship with either your friend or his mother. You're just casual friends with this guy and you sleep with him. I don't think the fact that you're friends with her son or the fact that you sleep with him makes you close enough with him for his mother to allow you to live in her house rent-free. But it seems that she did let you move in with no arrangement for paying her rent ... and even if she was charging rent, I still feel like this is an extremely messy living situation. What if you or your friend meet someone and decide you want to be in an exclusive relationship? If you stop sleeping with each other are you still going to continue being friends? As good of friends? Close enough to continue living in this place together? How might any future SOs feel about this?

I don't know ... I think you at least need to talk to everyone you're living with and make some kind of formal agreement. But I would say just get out of there ASAP. I'd move out today if you have a friend that will let you crash on their couch until you have a more preferment solution.

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SDFX
siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 8:26pm

Owning a home is very expensive. Its not just utilities and monthly bills that contribute to the expenses. There is the mortgage, taxes, repairs, maintenance, etc, etc. You mentioned the lack of heat so it seems there isn't enough money go towards repairs. yes you provide food and that is a contribution but its not exactly getting the job done as food isn't THAT expensive. I can live off $100 worth the food a month.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Sat, 11-07-2009 - 3:04pm

Thanks to everyone that has given me advice. I know my situation here is messy. It's prolly alil beyond messy. I have been this guy for over two years now. I just finally sat down with him and explained everything I was feeling as in regards to us. FWB's is all I can give him. Thats all I want. I have been amrried twice have three kids. I don't want to be tied down and I also told him I can't commit to him. That if I wanted to sleep with another man or woman then I'm gonna do it. If thats what I want. I had to set up some boundaries with him. Does he like it no, But he wants to be in my life so thats how its gonna have to be. I think thats only fair. I wanted to be honest with him.


I know us living together is pretty messy, if I could go back I wouldn't of moved in together. But I can't go back. And now we both are living with his mother. I think we do enough around here to pay our dues. Thats how I feel. Buying the food, buying her pop, doin yard work when we can. I honestl believe thats fair pay. I guess I would pay her money if I could really afford it. But I can't. So the buythe food and what not. Her son gives her money when he can. It's just that I really don't think she puts the money where it should go. I think she just goes out with it every weekend.. Thats my opinion.


Yes I understand all what your saying, I just don' know how to get out of this mess, thats the problem.

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Gwennie....

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Gwennie....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2008
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 8:37am

i have to ask WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU doing with this guy then?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 2:42pm

I have been with this guy for over two yrs. As for my kids, I don't have my kids. My oldest son live with friends and my youngest lives with his Dad!! So no kids are living here. Yes they do come and vist for the weekend when they want too.


So by the way you sounded you make it seem like i'm using this guy. We are like the bestest of friends. I can't commit to him, but I want him in my life as a Best Friend. And yes we are FWB's. Yes he wants more but I don't!


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Gwennie....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 11:11am
I think a lot of people are just having a hard time understanding why you're living with a FWB. I think living together implies a pretty serious relationship. If that's not what you want, then why are you living together? You say you don't know how to get out of the situation -- just find a different place to live. Yes, it would mean paying rent, but what would you do if your FWB met someone else? It sounds like he wants a real relationship and if he can't get that from you, I don't think he's going to be okay with this arrangement forever. You'd have to move out then anyway right? So why not do it now when you might still be able to salvage the friendship?
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SDFX
siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 11:42am

I totally understand what your saying. I have laid out all the cards in front of him.I also told him if wanted to go out with someone else or have sex with someone else that I was fine with it. Yes he may want something more and prolly does, but I'm not going to give that to him. I have made it all clear to him.


Just last night I talked to him about if I wanted to stay at my friends house overnight here and there I'm gonna. Yeah he had a lil problem with it just because of past things with her. See they use to be together in the past until I came along things changed. But other then that. I'm grown, I'm gonna do what I want too. He can also. He is free to do what he wants too.


As far as living together, Hey he still talks about getting a place together. But he also knows it gonna be a two bedroom place. Each have our own room. When we can afford it.

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Gwennie....

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Gwennie....

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