Round two with the Divorced Dad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Round two with the Divorced Dad...
9
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 4:11pm

Hello All,

I'm back!!!! Back in July I was asking for and getting wonderful advice from everyone on dating a divorced dad.

Quick recap - we basically stopped talking in July. I reached out a couple of times and got quick, informational replies about him and his kids. So I thought okay I tried my best - got the message - he's not interested. I'll move on.

I went on this big bike trip to Europe at the beginning of August. Suddenly when I return I get this email from him about how it seems we are moving in different directions, and he hopes my trip went well. At first I thought - what - I don't understand this email. He stopped talking to me! Then I noticed he also attached an article to the email written about my company and his company. Apparently my company made a healthy profit that quarter, and his company's profits went down. So I then figured that was what he was referring to when he said we were "heading in different directions".

Anyway moving forward - over the next few weeks he would send me a text or an email asking what I was doing or just some little joke or teasing comment. Finally he asks me to go to a movie. I was out of town and said I'd take a rain check. Well the next week he asks me again to go for a drink. Again I wasn't available but suggest another time. The time I suggest was the weekend he had his kids. I did meet them before we stopped talking so he invited me over for dinner. So I went to his house for dinner and we had a really fun time. Playing with the kids and catching up. I also let him know that it did hurt my feelings that he just basically stopped talking to me for over a month and a half. To this he replied well you stopped talking to me too. We discussed a bit more about communication and things like that - things he already knows that bother me about his communication style. We agree to wipe the slate clean and move forward.
Well this past week we were going to meet for a drink but some work commitmments came up so he asked me out for this past Friday. He actually called me again and sent me some texts before Friday - which was a nice change from before. He took me for wine and dinner - nice time. We were able to catch up some more. Well I stayed over his place and in the morning I had the worst headache - I get migraines. He was sweet got me some medicine; went and got coffee and scones. Well I ended up staying at his place until the afternoon. He went to school in Texas and their big rivalry football game was on. Normally he would meet his friends at this bar to watch the game. I told him to go ahead, take me home and go. But he said no it was okay - the game was going to start so he would stay home and watch. So I laid around getting over my headache while he watched the game. After the game was over he planned to workout and then get some work done since he will have his boys for the next 4 days. He dropped me off and asked what my plans were the rest of the day. I mainly was going to shop and then had a housewarming party to go to. I told him he could come with me if he wanted. He said to call him later b/c maybe he would need a break from work. So I called that night left a message about the party. Didn't hear back but figured he is just working.

So that is the recap. It is so weird being back in touch with him. But it feels good because I still like him. But honestly I'm scared. I'm wary especially from what happened before with him. I'm trying not to get all crazy and insecure if he doesn't call me back or respond right away - like I would want him to. I'm just unsure of this whole situation. I mean already I'm like okay I haven't heard from him and I feel unsettled by it. Ugh! His life situation is still the same as it was a couple of months ago. I just can't read him. And I really don't want to get sucked in again like before...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2008
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 8:49am

like i said before i/we dont have kids...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 7:58pm

Thank you so much. I know you all have so much experience that it helps.

I guess ultimately what I'm trying to determine is if he is really ready to be dating someone at this point or if he's really interested at all. He is so bad with staying in touch - always has been from the beginning when I met him. It's not like it's something new to me. In the past a week or two would go by without any contact and then when he would talk to me, he'd be surprised that so much time went by. We just got back in touch couple of weeks ago and he told me he didn't realize that so much time had passed. Admitted he didn't reach out but that I also didn't either. Goodness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 6:35pm

>>Like I said he really doesn't talk about it alot or incessently. However my friend said he shouldn't be telling me these things. I think he's just letting me know what's happening in his life with his kids. He's extremely concerned - I think as he should be - with how his kids are feeling and adjusting. That's the main thing he says over and over is how he worries about them and their well being. Personally I'd rather know what is going on. What are you thoughts? Did you experience that? <<


Jumping in here.

His kids are a huge part of his life - he should be telling you these things. If you ever decide to get serious with this man, you need to know exactly what these issues are.


I married C. three months ago. He has two kids from a previous marriage and their visitation schedule was to visit us every other weekend.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, the kids' mom had a freakout with my stepson (who has learning disabilities) and basically dumped him on our doorstep (poor kid!). He has been living with us full time since then - temporarily, but we don't know how long -

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 2:24pm

I think part of dating/marrying a divorce Father is supporting him through the tough stuff that goes with being a divorced Father.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 1:33pm

Hey Kristi!

I have a question - my divorced friend rarely talks about his ex - except of course when I ask questions. However I know a bit about why the marriage broke up and how they interact with one another presently, because I asked a few months ago. They do not have a good relationship. According to him she's verbally abusive to him; doesn't put kids first, difficult to deal with, etc. I know there are 2 sides to every relationship - but you know I only get his side.

The first time we got back in touch after the month we didn't speak, he told me the things that had been happening with him during that time. One main thing is that his oldest son is having some adjustment problems and has been acting out. They have 50/50 parenting - so the boys go back and forth every 4 or so days. His oldest is five. Apparently he has been telling them he doesn't want to be a part of the family anymore. That he wants a new one that is together. So he is seeing an evaluator regarding his adjustment to the divorce. Just this past weekend when I saw him, he told me his ex now wants more money from him and that she isn't helping him pick schools for the 2 boys. Essentially he makes a recommendation and he says no.

Like I said he really doesn't talk about it alot or incessently. However my friend said he shouldn't be telling me these things. I think he's just letting me know what's happening in his life with his kids. He's extremely concerned - I think as he should be - with how his kids are feeling and adjusting. That's the main thing he says over and over is how he worries about them and their well being. Personally I'd rather know what is going on. What are you thoughts? Did you experience that?

-R

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2008
Tue, 10-20-2009 - 8:33am

let me tell you that i recently married a divorced guy AND THANK FULLY he didnt have any human kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 6:41pm

Yeah, try not to worry too much and just enjoy getting to know him!!!


Good Luck!!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 6:27pm

Greetings!

Thanks for the reply!

Well perhaps I am more ahead than I thought. I have discussed things with him and told him how I feel about our communication. So he already knows how I feel. And last week he really did make an effort - called me twice before our date let me know the day off the date when he was leaving work. So he did that but you know people will later revert to how they really are. You can't change people - you just have to accept how they are.

I think I'm probably worried and over thinking everything. Plus I stayed over at his house if you know what I mean! :) So I'm like did I rush everything?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 5:52pm

Hi Rachel,


The statement that stood out the most to me is:


"His life situation is still the same as it was a couple of months ago. I just can't read him."