IS SHE OR IS SHE NOT MY TRUE FRIEND?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
IS SHE OR IS SHE NOT MY TRUE FRIEND?
14
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 7:54pm
I am thirty three years old and although I have lived and learned so much in life, I still have a serious issue that is as confusing for me now as it ever was as a teen. I need the assistance of anyone out there who has ever experienced and possibly overcame this horrible situation that keeps repeating itself.

Everytime I find a girlfriend they end up hurting me. They act like my friend to my face and then try to sleep with my husband behind my back. Or, they talk horribly about me when I am not there. I try to be a good friend. I listen to whatever they have to say and make sure I don't offer advice unless I am asked. I go out of my way now to show support because I do not want an entire life time to pass before finding another woman to share things with. At this point I am thinking maybe I am too nice and that is a new problem in and of itsef. Because of women like the ones I keep meeting, I am beginning to feel like I dont trust women. That just cant be true. But as I sit here the realization hits that I have not had a girl best friend for over 10 years. Everytime I trust a woman I get hurt. So, my questions are:

Am I putting something out there?

Does anyone else deal with this kind of thing and how do you truly know if a woman likes you for you and not because your husband is fine?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:55am

This is interesting and while I can't figure out the exact cause, there is something you're doing to attract these types of friends. Maybe it is that you open up too quickly or become too comfortable with someone too fast and they realize they can take advantage of you. Maybe you are too trusting...I just don't know the answer to that one since I don't know much about you.


You may have to do some research and figure out what it is you've been doing the same way with women for a long time and then stop doing it. Maybe YOU think it's a good thing (like being trusting), but it turns out to work against you.


I will tell you one thing, though. NOT trusting women will keep you without a girlfriend for the rest of your life, so try not to become too jaded. Learn from your mistakes and move on!

*Rebecca*

Rebecca
Loving wife to David (3-2

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:42am
OK!

First question: Is you husband 100% aware that these "friends" are trying to sleep w/ him or is he blind to that fact?

Second question: If he is aware, does he steer clear of these women or has he ever indulged?

How does your "friendship" with them begin?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:39pm
After much soul-searching and introspection of myself and many of my former friendships, I came to a HUGE realization. Many of the friends that I had, that I felt "did me wrong" were completely a manifestation of my low sense of esteem and worth. I un/sub consciously sought out people who I felt weren't "better" than me and then had to live with the repercussions of my decisions (them sleeping with my boyfriends, talking about me behind my back, using me when they wanted/needed something from me, but never being there when I needed them, etc.). It took a very long time to decipher this, but once I did and once I accepted that I'm the one who can keep them or make them go away AND I'm the one who can make friends who live up to my standards and values...the picture became much clearer. I eliminated the friends who didn't live up to those things and I've been cultivating friends who do. I can honestly say that my "group" of friends is MUCH smaller now, but I also know that I can trust them to be there for me and vice versa--they'd never disrespect me or treat me inconsiderately.

Sometimes when you want to know why people treat you like they do, you have to look no further than in the mirror---and ask how is it that you treat yourself?

Michelle

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

Avatar for waywardestates
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:24pm
Wow that is a doozy.I really wouldn't know what to say on a matter like this on account of most of my female friendship dwindle just as your do.I wonder why and then just move on,I really haven't had the betrayal part of the friendship happen such as her trying to sleep with my boyfriend or ex boyfriend,although when I was in a relationship I never really had girlfriends visiting and comming over to hang out.Most of the women that I was friends with never liked my taste in men.And they would definately express that to him or to myself.But I have lost alot of woman friends on account of the men that I have dated through the years.I can honestly say that I miss some of them.But life does move on ,and people have families and get distant as time goes by.And have you noticed the quality of the friendships are more changed than as they were when you were younger.I think men don't realize that some women are like the lone wolf as well when it comes to finding true friends.I find it amazing how women our age are so diverse in careers,family life,and spiritualism in general,but on a lighter note; get ugly girlfriends that he wouldn't be interested in,so you won't feel left out and worry if he is skirt chasing.Or learn to feel appreciated that you have picked a wonderful man who can turn womens heads and know that he is with you.Alot of the time,most women seem inadequate when their spouse is looking at someone else or showing them the attention,I like to think of it as a territory thing.Meaning just because he is with you ,that you own him or something.Which you don't and if you press it to much.He will get tired of the jealousy and leave you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 4:02pm
Michelle,

I have had the same best friend for 18yrs (ever since the 8th grade)and she and I have had the best experience as friends. I personally tend to expect that every person I form any sort of deep bond with, be up to her standards. I had to realize that not everyone is like her or myself for that matter, however, I do expect people to reciprocate at least a little of what I offer to them. I have stepped back and looked at the people (especially women) around me, and realize that their is a serious problem with our view of what real friendship is,and what I realize is that we simply do not trust one another because of our own insecurities. It's a funny thing because men can meet each other in the liquor store and bond without fear of any sort just because they like the same beer. We should be able to do this in the feminine hygiene aisle of our local drug store. I too possess a small (very small) group of friends simply because it is rather hard to trust. I remember as a small girl just simply wanting to play and that's exactly what I did with the girls my age, but now...It is so horribly stressful to welcome people in your life partly because of the stereotyping we do to one another.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:13pm
HI

YOu really dont know. It is hard to find out who is your true friend and i have dealt with issues like this myself so I said enough was enough and decided not to have any friends in my life. My bf is my best friend and yes i wish i can have a true friend to confide in but my wall is always up and i never truly open myself up cus of getting hurt. a friend knowing to much is not a good thing cus when ever there is a fight or disagreement all your private information you have told her comes out and gets out to ears that should hear it. If you know what I mean. I mean personal stuff. So yes its hard to trust a women friend completely but its all a judgement call. Dont give to much of yourself to your friend until you have known her for sometime. I think i need to take some of my own advice.

Michelle

VA

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:58am
hE'S THE ONE THAT TELLS ME ABOUT IT. HE LOOKS OUT FOR ME AND HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND IT EITHER.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:00am
THANK YOU. THIS SOUNDS LIKE WHAT IS GOING ON. EXACTLY.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:06am
WELL NIKKI I MUST SAY THAT YOUR ADVICE WAS AS HUMOROUS AS IT WAS ENLIGHTENING. COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE THE NEW AND IMPROVED ANN LANDERS? . . . :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:09am
SEE, ALL OF YOU SEEM COOL AND SMART AS WELL. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND SMART, COOL WOMAN TO HANG OUT WITH IN THE REAL WORLD? . . .

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